Welcome back to The Whirlpool, where fibs and fabrications are pulled under and drowned.
I’m Michael Whirly.
Once again the world finds itself on the brink of war, and once again — surprise, surprise
— it’s all the fault of a bunch of Muslims over there in the Middle East.
While it is a fact that every religion other than the scripture-based, divinely guided
Catholicism of the One True Church is heretical and wrong, reasonable people can agree that
of all those wrong religions, the most wrong is Islam, a faith beset by sectarianism, threatened
by extremism, and rooted in unprovable claims and scientific, historical and philosophical
teachings which are dubious and centuries out of date.
Thank God none of those problems have ever been associated with Christianity!
And as we thank God for that, let us also thank him for finally providing us with a
leader who is willing and able to stand up to the tyranny and blasphemy of Islam: the
High President of the United States, His Excellency Donald John Trump.
While the rest of the world foolishly pursues peace and denuclearization, President Trump
has chosen to strike first — for once — and cut off the head of the snake, Iranian general
Qasem Soleimani, a bad man who has done bad things and who was planning to do a really
bad thing very soon, which won’t be done now because His Excellency President Trump
had him killed.
The Trump administration has not seen fit to share any details about what sort of attack
Soleimani was planning, why killing him at that particular place and time was necessary,
or how killing him prevented that planned attack, but to any members of the public or
the United States Congress who feel entitled to such information, I say this: the President
told us it was necessary.
That’s all we need to know.
As it is written in Proverbs 3:5, “Have confidence in the Lord with all thy heart,
and lean not upon thy own prudence.”
And if you’re questioning whether or not President Trump deserves the benefit of the
doubt on this one, look at the man’s track record.
I think it speaks for itself.
When I see His Excellency President Trump conducting his take-no-prisoners foreign policy,
I can’t help but be reminded of my own father.
His philosophy on how the United States should respond to threats from the Middle East was
always the same, no matter where or when he expressed it — in the car conversing with
the radio, screaming at my liberal social studies teacher on parents’ night, muttering
in his sleep at the dinner table — “Kill them all, and let God sort them out!”
My father’s godly wisdom is obvious — who better than God to solve the problem of how
to achieve peace in the Middle East?
After all, it was God who first attempted to unite the people of that region thousands
of years ago, when he revealed his true word to one particular tribe and ordered them to
go out and forcibly convert their neighbors, all of whom practiced false but similar religions.
His chosen people failed him back then, which is why he eventually had to come down and
do it himself, but the solution to the problem is the same today as it was back then.
If the people of Iran are unhappy with the treatment they’ve been receiving from the
United States, we should escalate their complaint through the chain of command and allow them
to take it up with the manager — in person.
Hello, faithful Whirlpool viewer.
Once again, here I am asking for your support in helping to keep The Whirlpool going, and
once again I have to face the very likely possibility that no such support will be coming.
I must tell you, I find it very hard to believe that not a single one of you is an entrepreneur
with a business to promote, or even a private investor who has heard the call of the Holy
Ghost to aid in the spreading of God’s holy message.
If I didn’t know any better, I’d think my audience was mostly snarky atheists and
leftists having a laugh at my expense on their way to Hell, and conservative Christians so
unsettled by fear of social change that they cling to this show more out of some sad, desperate
need for validation than genuine conviction.
But of course, that’s ridiculous.
Nevertheless, there are still bills to pay, and so I come to you with yet another offer.
For a limited time, I am selling boxed sets of all three of my best-selling books for
one low price.
That price is $69.95, and for that you get my first book, America Is Invincible, first
published in August 2001; my second book, Oh, Bomb a Nation: How We Take Back the White
House in 2012, and my third and most recent book, from 2015: God’s Chosen One: Why Rick
Santorum Is the Next President of the United States — written, obviously, before the
fullness of Our Heavenly Father’s plan had been revealed, but still containing page after
page of the timeless wisdom and keen wit you’ve come to associate with me.
Again, this is a limited time offer, and supplies are limited, also, as I am drawing upon my
private stock for this sale.
These books have been out of print ever since my publisher, the Staples in West Hazleton,
went out of business, which makes them collectors items!
So act now and buy your copies of The Michael Whirly Library, before it’s too late for
both of us!
Of course there are those clueless, self-proclaimed Christians who would argue that God does not
want us to make war, that Jesus Christ was the Prince of Peace.
If you are one of those people, my only advice is to read your Bible.
In there, you will find that Christ says quite clearly, in the Gospel of St. Matthew 10:34,
“I came not to send peace, but the sword.”
Today, of course, by the grace of Our Heavenly Father, we have upgraded from swords to firearms,
and those modern day swords are wielded by God’s modern day chosen people: we Americans
who have pledged ourselves with gratitude and obedience to the service of our divinely
chosen leader, His Excellency President Trump.
He is God’s general in this holy war, and we are his loyal and fearless soldiers.
Some may protest my describing us as God’s new chosen people, but to those cowardly counterfeit
Christians, I say: examine the evidence.
What better proof do you need that we, the followers of the One True Church and His Excellency
President Trump, are the chosen people than Our Lord Jesus Christ himself, who, despite
being a first century Middle Eastern Jew, looked and sounded exactly like a modern American
with significant and recent northern European ancestry?
That, my friends, is a miracle that cannot be explained, except by faith.
And indeed, in these perilous times, it is faith and faith alone that will see us through
and allow Our Heavenly Father’s will to be done here and in all four corners of the
world.
Only then will we truly have peace.
As it is written in the Book of Romans, Chapter 5: “Being justified therefore by faith,
let us have peace with God, through our Lord Jesus Christ.”
In other words, when we have carried out God’s will and all his earthly enemies have been
defeated — the heretics, the blasphemers, the worshippers of false gods — there will
be peace, and it will be the just and lasting peace of God, a peace that only we, his chosen
people, will be able to enjoy, because we will be the only ones left.
Those of us who survive, that is.
I have faith I will live to see it.
I can hardly wait to find out who else makes it.
God bless America, God bless our president, and to Hell with everyone else.
For The Whirlpool, I’m Michael Whirly.