- And we can't talk about Seth without talking
about "The Green Hornet",
because every person in the world is like,
"'The Green Hornet' lost so much money!"
- Jonah's actually started to move away from comedy.
It happens five minutes into his movie, "The Sitter".
(audience laughs)
(swanky music)
- Look at how full of himself Jonah has become
since his Oscar nomination.
(James chuckles)
Don't forget where you came from, pal.
Sure, you're buddies with Brad Pitt
and Channing Tatum, but
I was your first handsome friend.
(audience laughs)
Before you get too cocky,
remember I was there and this is the end
and you're getting brutally ass-rammed by that demon.
(audience laughs)
We both know the only way the demon could keep his erection
was because he was thinking about me.
(audience laughs)
- Now, James, the main course, the feast de resistance.
James loves education.
He's always going to school.
Did you know that he even went to Yale?
Okay, look.
I know what you're thinking and it's not true.
He got into Yale just like everybody else.
He got really, really famous and just kinda asked a person
from Yale if he could go there, just like everybody else.
(audience laughs)
And everyone is gonna make fun of James
for the Oscars, it's obvious.
Everyone was saying, "James was dead up there!"
But I think that was Anne Hathaway's fault.
I mean, fuck her for trying, like, at all.
(audience laughs)
How dare she attempt in some way to entertain
the millions of people trying to escape their lives
for a few hours?
I commend you, James.
(audience laughs)
You know you always hear George Clooney
and other big movie stars saying,
"My philosophy on making movies
is one for them and one for me."
But not my guy, James (laughs).
(audience laughs)
Not my boy James!
James is a rebel.
He has his own philosophy on this.
One for them, five for nobody.
(audience laughs)
(James laughs)
(Jonah laughs)
Okay.
All jokes aside, James, you are the weirdest fucking person
anyone has ever met in their entire life.
I've known you for 10 years and I'm still pretty sure
I've never met you before.
(audience laughs)
- Who is the real James Franco?
Is he an artist?
Is he an actor?
Is he a scholar?
He's tough to pin down,
although I've heard many guys have been able to do it.
(audience laughs)
Why are we here, James?
Can you tell us why the fuck we're here?
- No fucking idea.
- I know why I'm here, 'cause whenever
you do something without me, it sucks.
That's why I'm here.
(audience laughs)
We're here tonight so James can live out
one of his unfulfilled sexual fantasies:
to have a room full of his friends shit all over him.
(audience laughs)
Franco, you look like you're asleep.
Did you just read a James Franco book?
(audience laughs)
He's had a great career.
Judd Apatow gave both me and him our start
on the show, "Freaks and Geeks."
Yeah.
(audience applauds)
It's true, Judd was actually gonna direct this roast,
but Comedy Central didn't want it to be 40 minutes too long.
(audience laughs)
James became famous for playing James Dean,
which makes sense 'cause they both sucked some dicks
and made three good movies.
(audience laughs)
You asked us to do this, man.
I don't know why. (audience laughs)
To prepare for his role in "127 Hours",
he told me he spent five days with his arm inside the rock.
Actually he goes by Dwayne Johnson now.
I keep forgetting.
(audience laughs)
He's the last guy I should be making jokes about (chuckles).
Literally fucking kill me.
Look at me doing all the talking
while you sit there doing nothing.
I feel like I'm co-hosting the Oscars with you.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
- I wish.
- Say what you will about James' awful
and borderline contemptuous performance at the Oscars.
(audience laughs)
In this world, there can only be one James Franco
'cause if there were two James Francos,
they'd never stop butt-fucking each other.
(audience laughs)
- And Jonah, I'm assuming you're here because Seth is?
(audience laughs)
People call me all the time and they say,
"Hollywood, do we really need two of these guys?"
But I own you, Jonah, I fucking own you.
If I try to buy you on iTunes, it would say,
"Are you sure you wanna purchase,
because you already own this fuck"
(audience laughs)
- Bill Hader, good friend of mine.
(audience applauds)
He was brilliant on "SNL", he was brilliant.
And when he left the show this year
every single person was like, "What are you doing?
You're never, ever gonna work again, like ever!"
And what does my man Bill do?
Boom! He goes ahead and books himself a T-Mobile commercial.
(audience laughs)
Who's laughing now, Lauren Michaels?
My man Bill is.
I mean this guy's cashing checks
from the fourth largest mobile provider in the nation!
(audience laughs)
And look,
no look, I respect Bill because Sprint
was coming after him hard.
But he just held out for that fuck you T-Mobile money.
(audience laughs)
Bill's awesome.
(Jonah laughs) (Bill laughs)
I love you, Bill.
- I saw the movie, "The Guilt Trip".
Seth, what was it like working with Barbara Streisand,
and how did you two tell each other apart?
(audience laughs)
Like, did one of you wear a carnation or
was it something like that?
(Seth laughs)
Seth's parents actually met at a kibbutz.
If you don't know what a kibbutz is,
it's a community in Israel where apparently
they don't allow abortions.
(audience laughs)
(Bill laughs)
- I'll start with the Jewiest and work my way down.
Sarah Silverman is here.
(audience cheers)
(audience applauds)
Sarah and I actually work together on the film,
"Take This Waltz", which she was great in.
She actually did full frontal nudity in the movie,
which was fantastic.
It was amazing.
I always thought she was very liberal,
but it turns out she's actually a giant Bush supporter.
(audience laughs)
Huge.
- Jonah Hill is here.
Jonah is so dumb, that when he had me over
for a dinner party I overstayed my welcome
and he pretended to be tired so I would leave
without getting my feelings hurt.
You a passive aggressive sweetheart, Jonah!
(audience laughs)
Just ask me to leave.
(audience laughs)
But I did wanna stay.
- Andy Samberg is another friend of mine, I love him.
And now that he's got his new TV show, "Brooklyn Nine-Nine"
which I'm assuming is about this Brooklyn cop
who tried to make it in the movie business
but failed and got sent back to TV.
(audience laughs)
My only question is, Andy, when the show gets canceled
after five episodes, are you gonna do
a different cell phone commercial,
or are they gonna turn Bill's
into a two-hander for both of you guys?
(Bill laughs)
Andy's awesome.
- But seriously, Seth, what's up with your gigantic tux?
I'd be swimming in that thing if I could swim.
Burned you, I can't swim.
(audience laughs faintly)
Roastmaster, check.
- Andy Samberg is here.
(audience cheers)
Andy plays a cop on his new Fox show.
His first case will be investigating
the disappearance of his new Fox show.
(audience laughs)
- Jonah Hill is here, yes.
I do think one day Jonah will win an Oscar Mayer
hot dog eater of the millennium award.
(audience laughs)
(Bill laughs)
Look, this guy is a huge star.
He's hanging out with the Brad Pitts
and the Leonardo DiCaprios of the world.
If I was hanging out with those guys,
you'd think I'd still get brunch with Nick Kroll?
No, of course not!
That's how successful Jonah is,
he had to get new friends!
That's my new career goal to never see Nick Kroll again.
(audience laughs)
- Aziz, Natasha, Nick Kroll.
I'm assuming you guys are James' friends from high school.
(audience laughs)
But I think that is so dope that you guys are willing
to get up here even though no one knows
who the fuck you guys are.
He's famous in like Silver Lake,
but who gives a shit, right?
(audience laughs)
- Seth Rogen.
(man offscreen laughs)
You're welcome, you hairy kinuk.
(audience laughs)
I, Hollywood made the world accept you.
I put you on a movie poster and I said, "Deal with it".
(audience laughs)
And then I put Barbara Streisand
on that poster in the world said, "No!"
(audience laughs)
"The Guilt Trip"!
Listen, if I wanted to watch two ugly Jews
weaving through traffic, I'd watch Seinfeld's web series.
(audience laughs)
- A lot of people are live tweeting the show tonight.
Speaking of 140 characters no one gives a shit about,
Bill Hader is here.
(audience laughs)
(audience cheers)
Bill's our great impressionist right now.
He's doing an impression of a guy
who really regrets leaving "SNL".
(Bill laughs) (audience laughs)
- Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Seth Rogen!
Let him hear it!
(audience cheers)
Yes.
Seth Rogen is so Jewish...
(audience responds indistinctly)
Seth Rogen is so fucking Jewish.
Anyway, I'm excited to be here tonight.
(audience laughs)
(Seth laughs)
Many of you might not know this,
but Seth Rogen has a writing and directing partner
named Evan Goldberg.
(audience cheers)
What does this other guy look like
that you're the face of the operation?
(audience laughs)
(Jonah laughs)
I assume he is like a sweaty Orthodox Jew
eating a pastrami sandwich.
(in heavy accent) Hey Sethy,
yeah, I added nine dick jokes on page four,
and I was thinking that the guys are friends
and then they're not friends,
and then at the end of the movie, they're friends again.
(audience laughs) (Jonah laughs)
And also they should smoke a lot of ganja, Sethy.
(audience laughs)
- Nick Kroll is here.
(audience cheers)
Yes.
Nick Kroll is the scary Jewish face
Mel Gibson runs from in his dreams every night.
(audience laughs)
Jonah Hill is here (laughs).
A lot of people compare Jonah to a young Belushi,
Jim Belushi.
(audience laughs)
Jonah's actually started to move away from comedy.
It happens five minutes into his movie, "The Sitter".
(audience laughs)
- Can we talk about my buddy, Seth Rogen?
Come on. (audience cheers)
I adore this guy, I fucking adore this guy.
He's a great writer, a great friend,
and we can't talk about Seth
without talking about "The Green Hornet".
We just can't, right?
Because every person in the world is like,
"'The Green Hornet' lost so much money!"
But that's not true, it didn't lose that much money.
I mean, every single person in the world fucking hated it
but it didn't lose that much money.
And that's the goal after all, right?
to make terrible movies that don't lose that much money.
(audience laughs) (audience cheers)
Seth's fucking awesome.
(swanky music)