- These are horrible. (laughs)
- Could I skip this one?
- That's insane, like somebody sticking
anything up your urethra, absolutely not.
(upbeat music)
(cucumber pops)
- Woo, let's get started.
- Great.
- Okay.
- Just the way you handed that off to me
is already making me nervous.
- A lady came in with a knife still in her vagina.
She claimed that an intruder assaulted her,
but the area was not bleeding.
- It was as if the knife was slid into her.
She later revealed that she did it
to herself to get revenge on her boyfriend.
- I need to reread this.
This doesn't make sense.
This is so dumb.
- I don't understand how that's revenge on someone else.
- I really want to know what kind of revenge
she's getting on her boyfriend.
What did he do to this poor woman?
- I'm gonna show this to my boyfriend,
so that anytime he tells me I'm crazy,
I'm gonna be like not this crazy though.
- If that's the first one, I wonder where
we're goin' with this.
- A patient who decided to stick a crochet needle
up his penis while drunk.
The urologist on call had to surgically
remove the object.
- Hopefully, he was blackout and couldn't feel anything.
- Why are they always drunk?
I think they're not really drunk.
I think they're just pretending they're drunk.
- I also wonder what the process is
to surgically remove something
from the inside of a penis.
Every time I picture somebody cutting open
a penis to surgically remove it,
I just picture it going like (harp music),
like a flower.
- A guy put a light bulb. (sighs)
- A guy put a light bulb up his butt.
I asked him how they got it out,
and the response was with great difficulty.
- A light bulb is like the most fragile thing.
- Wouldn't the light bulb crack?
- If it was the back end of the light bulb
that you screw in, then maybe.
He was doin' some like aha moment type thing,
but like a aha butt moment.
- A prisoner came in with penis issues.
There's a lot of penis issues here.
Turned out he shoved a piece of floss
really far up his urethra just so he could
get it out of his cell.
- Okay, I get it.
You want to get out, but like holy crap.
Uh!
- I don't even know how you'd get
a piece of floss up your urethra.
Did he have some sort of toothpick?
- I'm really curious how his teeth looked.
- You do what you gotta do.
I respect that one.
- A patient came to the ER because he had
a cucumber stuck in his rectum.
Before he decided to come in,
he tried to get it out with a knife.
The doctor came out of the room
with a very large bloody cucumber.
- He tried to get it out with a knife!
- Just, no, that is abuse of vegetables.
That is vegetable abuse.
- This guy had a lot of other options
besides stickin' a knife up his rectum
to receive this cucumber.
He probably could've got like a,
if we're in a kitchen already,
'cause, clearly he's in the kitchen,
he got a cucumber up there, he got a knife.
I'm thinking go for some tongs.
- One day a woman came waddling in with a set
of tongs stuck between her legs.
- This is what that guy should've used
to get that cucumber out of his rectum.
- She used them to masturbate
and inserted the tongs into her vagina.
I feel you.
The clip that holds the tongs shut opened,
and the tongs became hopelessly lodged
into her vagina.
- She had to be taken to the operating room
to have them surgically removed and nearly
perforated her uterus.
- Oh, gosh.
Oh, that's really bad.
I mean, I get it.
You just start using stuff at times,
but like holy bananas.
This is not okay.
- The pain this woman must've been in
just because she was trying to rub one off is insane.
- I don't think I'm ever gonna look
at kitchen tongs the same way ever again.
- A man came into the ER blue in the face,
lookin' like he was about to die.
They checked all over his body but couldn't
figure out what was wrong.
- They flipped him over and saw a tail
coming out of his butt hole.
- After doing a CT scan, they found
a rat inside his rectum.
Oh my God.
- The rat bit.
The rat bit off part of his colon,
and the man was suffering from internal bleeding,
which is why his face turned blue.
Apparently, the man decided to place
a condom over the live rat to suffocate it
and then place it up his butt.
- So it's breathing would hit his prostate,
and he would feel pleasure.
The man made a full recovery,
but the poor rat died.
I don't even know what to say.
- This is a ride.
This was a ride to read.
- I feel bad for that rat.
- The intricacy of the breathing of a rat.
I'm gonna put the condom there,
and then I'm gonna put it by my prostate,
and that's gonna feel something.
I feel like shouldn't we just invent
a sex toy that can mimic this rather
than sticking live rats up our ass?
- Idiot, what an idiot.
How did he even wrestle it up his butt
in the first place?
- Everything before this was like nothing
compared to this.
- Okay, this is the worst one.
- This is next level.
I'm pretty sure this is gonna be
the worst one in here, and if it's not,
I am in for a treat.
- A woman would put Campbell's beef soup
in her vagina because her boyfriend liked
to eat it from there.
- We had to fish out a potato that was lodged in there.
- Oh my God.
This woman definitely had some sort of yeast infection.
You can't put beef soup.
You can't put beef soup up your vag.
That's so, I'm so grossed out by that.
- I do like the fact that it was Campbell's soup.
That's classic though.
That's classic.
It's hearty, it's whole.
- Also, how do you figure out that that's
what you like to do?
Where is that connected to in your life
that you're like, you know what, beef
soup would be great out of a vag.
- Last one.
- The craziest thing was when a man came in
with a Barbie doll's arm stuck in his urethra.
- Apparently, he ordered a sex doll off eBay,
and when it arrived, it was actually a Barbie doll.
- He was so angry that he ripped off
the doll's arm and shoved it up his penis.
- I didn't know so many things can go up a penis.
- Don't put things in places that don't belong there.
- I get it.
You ordered a sex doll, you got a Barbie doll.
I would be pissed too, 'cause you probably were
expecting to have the time of your life.
But when you got pissed, you probably should've
just sent it back instead of sending it up your penis.
- Some of us would maybe try eBay support.
- If anything were to be shoved up anywhere,
Barbie doll up butt, that would probably
be the most normal story that I have
read today so far.
- I feel that people need another way to release
their sexual frustrations, 'cause that's what
I got from the moral of this.
It's a lot of sexual frustration.
- I feel like most people are dumb,
and that I'm very glad that I'm not
a doctor or a nurse, because I don't
know how I would react to these things in person.
- I really want to know how often
stories like these happen.
If this is a nurse's daily thing
or if it's just once in a blue moon.
- I feel like these are, unfortunately, common things.
- Don't try this at home.
- That frickin' rat one really is
- That one's pretty-- - Is something like...
(upbeat music)