[Disclaimer read by "Android" 18]
[Please keep these captions clean for those who need them. Funny extras can be added to the English (Canada) subs. Thank you!]
[Goku sings to the tune of "Giant Woman"]
GOHAN: I'LL WRECK YOUR HOMEWORL--
GOKU: Hey, son!
GOHAN: Uh, uhh...?
Were you... watching me sleep?
GOKU: Like a papa hawk.
I don't wanna miss the MOMENT you go Super Saiyan.
GOHAN: Wow! It's been nearly three months in here, and... you still think I can do it?
GOKU: Well, yeah! If you don't, the whole world'll be doomed!
Or not...
maybe I can handle it...
so don't sweat it!
And get some sleep, son!
GOHAN: Uhh... yeah, okay...
GOKU: ''Cause tomorrow...'
'I'mma get you Super Saiyan.'
[♫ "Cha-La Head-Cha-La" ♫]
♫ CHA-LA HEAD-CHA-LA ♫
♫ Egao urutora zetto de ♫ (With a smile that’s Ultra-Z)
♫ Kyô mo ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~ ♫ (Even today is ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~)
♫ Sparking! [fading echo] ♫
PICCOLO [off-screen]: Naw, see, I'm *definitely* going with Krillin. Call it a safe bet, but I think his history speaks for itself.
TENSHINHAN: You haven't known him as long as I have. Sure, he can be a little...
(Sigh), well, he's a total bitch. But when we really need him, he's always stepped up.
Vegeta, on the other hand...
BULMA: Hey, uh, what're you two talking about?
PICCOLO: Aw, we're just making a bet to see who screws this up.
TENSHINHAN: See - he's betting on Krillin, but I'm betting on Vegeta.
BULMA: Ohhh... I'll get in on that action. BABY TRUNKS: (Cooing)
PICCOLO: Okay - Vegeta or Krillin?
BABY TRUNKS: (Cooing) BULMA: Both.
PICCOLO: *Wow*.
TENSHINHAN: *Damn*!
BULMA: Eh, please, I've been in this longer than the both of you.
Although, if I had to pick who's gonna screw up first...
TRUNKS [o-s]: (Screaming from a distance) KRILLIN: 'Okay Krillin, pull yourself together.'
'She's right over there...'
'standing there like a...'
'mechanical angel...'
'and all I have to do is push this button and...'
[Trunks' screaming fades out] 'watch her explode...!'
'Everywhere.'
'Little bit of blonde hair here...'
'her blue eyes there...'
'and then it's done! I m--I mean, she probably won't even feel it!'
'Or even know it happened - just her life... ended in an instant...'
'by me...'
'with no Dragon Balls to wish her back when Cell dies...'
'D--Oh c'mon, Krillin! Be strong for one second in your worthless life and push the stupid button!'
'If you don't, everyone you know and love is going to die!'
'INCLUDING HER!'
'Oh...'
TRUNKS [fades back in]: ...aaaaaaaaaaa!
VEGETA: Quiet, boy! TRUNKS [fades back in]: ...aaaaaaaaaaa--!
TRUNKS: Hnnng!
VEGETA: Now...
VEGETA: Now... continue.
SEMI-PERFECT CELL: Thank you.
You see, my dear Prince--
VEGETA: Don't push it.
SeP CELL: Uh, you see, Vegeta,
this is only my second form. I am merely *semi*-perfect.
VEGETA: Wait, how can you be *semi*-perfect? You're either *perfect* or you're *not* me; there's no gray area.
SeP CELL: My point, is that this form was achieved by absorbing my brother, Android 17...
and the only way I may obtain *true* perfection...
VEGETA: ...is to absorb the *bitch*.
So in summation: You get the Android, and I get a proper challenge.
SeP CELL: Oh, I promise you Vegeta... you're going to get everything that's coming to you.
VEGETA: Ohoho, ominous!
"ANDROID" 18: He wouldn't...! Sixteen, he wouldn't, would he?!
ANDROID 16: Wouldn't you?
18: *No*!
16: I'm sorry... what are we talking about again?
KRILLIN [o-s]: Hey! 18: Huh?!
'Whoa, it's the cute one.'
'Was he hiding there?'
'Wait, what's that on the grou--'
Oh my God (!)
KRILLIN: H... hi...!
18: Uh, hey...
KRILLIN: Look, I just...
can I ask something of you?
18: S-sure?
KRILLIN: Un, g-g-gh-gh, *please* don't kill anyone!
18: Wait, are you--
16 [o-s]: NO DEAL!
18: Sixteen!
16: Son Goku is a person; therefore he is *part* of "anyone".
*Therefore*: No. Deal.
18: Sixteen, calm down, I will *get* you a Goku!
16: ...Do you promise?
18: Yes!
16: ...Proceed.
18: Okay, now listen: We weren't planning on killing anyone.
16 [o-s]: Except Goku!
18: We haven't even killed anyone thus far. In fact, the only thing we want *dead* right now is *Cell*.
16 [o-s]: Also Goku!
KRILLIN: Oh.
Thank God, that makes this so much easier!
PICCOLO: HA! And *you* owe me some zeni!
TENSHINHAN: Oh *no*...!
BULMA: Alright, what did Krillin do?
PICCOLO: He crushed the remote.
TENSHINHAN: He did WHAT?!
BULMA: That was twenty hours of my life; that DICK!
PICCOLO: And possibly the rest of it if Vegeta follows suit.
TENSHINHAN: I don't understand! All he had to do was push the button and blow up the--
...*the girl*.
BULMA: Oh, that makes sense.
PICCOLO: I don't get it.
TENSHINHAN: He really did it... he actually risked every life on the planet just for...
for *cyber-sex*!
I didn't Kikoho myself half to death so he could get laid!!
PICCOLO: Oh...
gross.
18: Oh... oh wow...
well, I mean, that was...
really sweet and all, but...
maybe you should've kept that around.
KRILLIN: What? *Why*?
SeP CELL: Vegeta, this is the only chance you're going to get.
If she slips away now, you'll never get the opportunity to fight me at my full potential.
And let's be honest: Do you really think *Goku* can give you the challenge you deserve?
VEGETA: Ya know, the funny thing is, I know you're playin' me...
but you're right. She's all yours.
SeP CELL: Oh-ho, thank you Vegeta!
Trust me - great things are about to happen...
PICCOLO: Oh no, god *damn* him!
BULMA: Okay, now what did *Vegeta* do?
PICCOLO: He's letting Cell absorb Eighteen!
TENSHINHAN: Well, looks like nobody wins...
BULMA: Well, I technically do.
BABY TRUNKS: (Cooing)
BULMA: ♪ You guys owe me zeeeniii~ ♪
PICCOLO: CELL IS GOING TO KILL US ALL!
BABY TRUNKS: (Crying)
MR. POPO: Jeez, bring down the whole mood, why don't you? BABY TRUNKS: (Crying)
VEGETA: Make it snappy! The boy's gotta be in bed by seven or he gets cranky.
SeP CELL: Huh!
TRUNKS: Yeah, so I'm gonna be the only voice of reason here and say *absolutely not*!
SeP CELL: Hurrgh!
TRUNKS: Don't you get it?! He's just been feeding you everything you wanna hear!
He's playing you!
SeP CELL: To be fair, I haven't lied since I got here.
TRUNKS: You're not involved in this anymore!
SeP CELL: I'm feeling pretty involved...
VEGETA: *Boy*, don't make me come up there and be a parent!
TRUNKS: First time for everything!
VEGETA: Ohoho!
SeP CELL: WOW, Vegeta, are you just gonna stand there and take th--
(Gasp)
[Drooling in shock]
TRUNKS: 'Huh? Why is he doing th--'
'...oh...'
'oh no...'
[Cell's drooling fades out] 'wait, but there's Krillin! Does he have the--'
'...no...!'
'...no...! But,'
'...no...! But, why?!'
'...no...! But, why?! He...'
'...no...! But, why?! He... why?!'
[Cell still drooling] '...no...! But, why?! He... why?! But,'
[Cell still drooling] '...no...! But, why?! He... why?! But, the Android!'
'...no...! But, why?! He... why?! But, the Android! Krillin...'
'...no...! But, why?! He... why?! But, the Android! Krillin... crushed'
'...no...! But, why?! He... why?! But, the Android! Krillin... crushed remote!'
[Cell drooling louder] '...no...! But, why?! He... why?! But, the Android! Krillin... crushed remote! But...'
[Cell drooling louder] '...no...! But, why?! He... why?! But, the Android! Krillin... crushed remote! But... could turn...'
[Cell drooling louder] '...no...! But, why?! He... why?! But, the Android! Krillin... crushed remote! But... could turn... perfect!'
[Cell drooling louder] '...no...! But, why?! He... why?! But, the Android! Krillin... crushed remote! But... could turn... perfect! Crushed!'
'...no...! But, why?! He... why?! But, the Android! Krillin... crushed remote! But... could turn... perfect! Crushed! Why?!'
'...no...! But, why?! He... why?! But, the Android! Krillin... crushed remote! But... could turn... perfect! Crushed! Why?! Kril--?'
'...no...! But, why?! He... why?! But, the Android! Krillin... crushed remote! But... could turn... perfect! Crushed! Why?! Kril--? But...'
'...no...! But, why?! He... why?! But, the Android! Krillin... crushed remote! But... could turn... perfect! Crushed! Why?! Kril--? But... *twenty hours*!'
[Noises Cell shouldn't be making]
*WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU*?!?!
KRILLIN: Oh hey, it's Trunks!
SeP CELL: Hurrgh...!
KRILLIN: (manly scream)
TRUNKS: I said absolutely NOT!
SeP CELL: ARGH!
'Huh, Vegeta was right. He *is* almost as strong as--'
AAUGH!
VEGETA: Look, if this is about getting your own turn in, just wait until I'm done with him!
TRUNKS: Just ignore him. [To Krillin] Krillin! Get the Androids out of here NOW!
KRILLIN: Don't need to tell me twice! Or at all, actually...
Let's go!
18: Right! [To 16] Sixteen, let's move!
16: But I just got comfortable...
18: Sixteen!
16: More importantly, Cell is only after you. I will slow you down.
Now go!
18: Fine, but I'm coming back for you!
KRILLIN: You're doing a brave thing.
16: As are you.
You are way out of your league, tiny duck.
KRILLIN: So hey, I know this isn't the best time, but um-er-uh, are you seeing anyone right now?
{BOOM}
KRILLIN: ERGH! 18: ARGH!
SeP CELL: She *is*.
TRUNKS: There you are!
SeP CELL: Vegetaaa~! Trunks is picking on meee~!
VEGETA [o-s]: Learn to share, brat!
VEGETA [o-s]: Learn to share, brat! TRUNKS: Huh?
D'AAGH! AUGH! Ah-hah!
SeP CELL: That's better.
Now, Eighteen... I'm not sure I like you hanging around with other men.
Or in this case... half of one.
KRILLIN: Oh-yeah-no-the-short-joke-yeah-sure-fine...
16 [o-s]: How about you leave the girl alone?
SeP CELL: C'mon Sixteen, don't be so jealous. This is meant to be, and she knows it.
Just look at what she's wearing! She's practically *asking* to be absorbed!
KRILLIN: Okay, that line has been *crossed*. You wanna go, big guy?!
LET'S GO--!
AAGH!
{DING}
SeP CELL [sarcastic]: Oh no, who would've seen that coming?
Anyway--
...Really?
Oh, you precious little cinnamon bun! Never change!
16: B'AAGH!
18: Haah!
SeP CELL: 'A one-y and a two-ey and a you-know-what-to-do-ey!'
18: AAGH!
TRUNKS: That is IT! I am stopping this now!
VEGETA: Oh?! What're you doin'?!
TRUNKS: What am I doing?!
VEGETA: Thwartin' ma plans?!
TRUNKS: Thwarting your plans?!
VEGETA: *Are you*?!
TRUNKS: ...You know what?!
*YES*!!
VEGETA: SSPLAAAARRRGGHH...!!!
{KLING}
KRILLIN: 'Oh, God...'
'If I had a nose, I'm pretty sure it'd be broken.'
(Gasp)
Oh no...!
You leave her alone or I SWEAR I'LL--
16: No, little duckling! It is not your time!
[Cell humming his own theme song]
[Evil laughter]
TRUNKS: FUTURE KICK!
SeP CELL: What?
D'ooargh!
TRUNKS: Blow yourself up or leave! I don't care which!
18: Yeah, okay...!
SeP CELL: (Grunting)
I hope you know, this means wa--
wahglbrrlgbllgngrnbglrbglgrl!
Where is Vegeta...?
TRUNKS: Duh! SeP CELL: Ur-urgh...!
18: C'mon Sixteen, *move it*!
16: Why.
16: Why. Are You.
16: Why. Are You. Still Here?!
18: It's like Seventeen said, remember? The Three Amigos?
Well, I guess more like... Dos Compadres, now...
KRILLIN: Here, uh, allow me.
I might not be good for much but, I can lift.
18: 'If we make it through this,'
'I am going to ROCK his four-foot world.'
VEGETA: Huh.
This is a new feeling.
Pride in someone else.
Unfortunately, it's overshadowed by all this
UNYIELDING RAGE!!!
SeP CELL: ...glbrrlgbllgngrnbglrbglgrl!
BLAGH!
'Okay, THIS obviously isn't working!'
'Waaiitt...'
'Tenshinhan got me into this.'
'And now...'
'he's going to get me *out*.'
TRUNKS: H-hey!
SeP CELL: I've been so close for so long, and I can't take it anymore!
EIGHTEEN!
I'm *coming*!
VEGETA: (Growling)
SeP CELL: SOLAAR FLAAARE!
[⚤] SeP CELL: SOLAAR FLAAARE!
TRUNKS: Ah, ahh-ha-ha...
VEGETA: 'AH, MY RAGE HAS BLINDED ME!'
[16, 18 and Krillin groan]
TRUNKS: (Still groaning) SeP CELL: Now... for the climax.
KRILLIN: I won't let him touch you. Just stay behind m--
{DING} AH-HA-HA!
18: SIXTEEN!
16: ...*Yes*?
18: Look after the little guy...
16: Confirmed!
[18 screaming]
[Choral music] SeP CELL: (Growling)
TRUNKS: '*No*!'
16: 'No!' TRUNKS: '*No*!'
KRILLIN: 'NO!' 16: 'No!' TRUNKS: '*No*!'
VEGETA: 'YEEEESSSS!' KRILLIN: 'NO!' 16: 'No!' TRUNKS: '*No*!'
BULMA: Hey, so, I can't sense power levels, but I can feel *that*.
Does that mean anything?
PICCOLO: *We're f**ked*.
[Orchestral theme]
PERFECT CELL (now with a refined voice): [Singing ⬇] ♫ "P" is for "Priceless", the look upon your faces ♫
♫ "E" is for "Extinction", all your puny races ♫
♫ "R" for "Revolution", which will be televised ♫
♫ "F" is for how F**ked you are, now allow me to reprise~ ♫
♫ "E" is for "Eccentric", just listen to my song ♫
♫ "C" is for "Completion", that I've waited for so long! ♫
♫ "T" is for the "Terror", upon you I'll bestow... ♫
(Chuckling)
My name is Perfect Cell.
My name is Perfect Cell. And I'd like to say...
My name is Perfect Cell. And I'd like to say... *Hello*.
18: We haven't even killed anyone thus far. In fact, the only thing we want *dead* right now is *Cell*.
16 [o-s]: Also Goku!
KRILLIN: Oh.
Thank God, that makes this so much easier!
{BEEP BEEP}
18: Huh? {DOOM}
KRILLIN: AAH!
TRUNKS: Well, it looks like my father just killed us all!
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{MLB}