-Now, Michelle, on "Downton Abbey,"
you play the extremely proper, unshakable Lady Mary Crawley,
who speaks in a very dignified tone.
-That's right.
-Ah, well.
I wanted to try a game with you.
I thought it would be fun if we took turns
complaining about everyday, annoying things,
but in the fanciest, most highbrow way possible.
It is time for "How Dare You?"
[ Cheers and applause ]
-♪ How dare you ♪
♪ How dare you, ah ♪
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Harpsichord music playing ]
-Dearest Oreo Thins,
I would like to address you for a brief moment, if I may.
Now, I will admit that at times I certainly do appreciate
a novelty, an unconventionality,
a peculiarity of form,
but this is quite simply a bridge too far.
When one thinks of an Oreo, what is brought to mind
is not a diminutive, cracker-like wafer!
Any true Oreo should have the substantial girth
of a genuine sandwich cookie!
Oreo Thins, you are a travesty and an embarrassment,
which is why I am sadly left with no choice but to say,
"How dare you?"
[ Slap ]
-How dare you?
[ Slap ]
-How dare you, I say!
[ Slap ] [ Laughter ]
-I would like to steal a moment if I could, Jimmy,
to address a most unfortunate and unsatisfactory acquaintance.
I am naturally speaking of that putrid invention,
the air mattress.
If I had a predilection for sleeping inside a bouncy castle,
I would spend the night inside a Chuck E. Cheese.
You are good at neither holding air, nor being a mattress.
You leave me bone-weary and with only one thing to say.
How dare you? [ Cheers and applause ]
-How dare you, air mattresses?
[ Slap ]
-How dare!
[ Slap ]
-Michelle, there is something
that I must get off my chest.
-By all means.
-[ Clears throat ]
To whom it may concern, in regards to
airline patrons who place their heavy winter coats
in the overhead bin.
That is a sacred space for bags and bags alone.
Perchance you accidently put your manners in the bin,
as well, for it appears you have none.
Place your wares under the seat like the rest of us,
and good day to you, sir!
-"Good day," he said.
-I said, "Good day!"
[ Slap ]
[ Laughter ]
-Jimmy, Jimmy. [ Cheers and applause ]
-Yes? -Jimmy, I --
Jimmy, I fear I have another grievance.
-The floor is yours.
-How dare you,
the movie "Hustlers"? For I saw you on Friday night,
and now I can think nor speak of nothing else.
I have fallen into a post-"Hustlers" despair.
J.Lo, Constance Wu,
Lizzo, Cardi B. all in one film,
and J.Lo is 50.
Why does she look this way?
[ Laughter ]
I should have brought my smelling salts to the cinema,
for I nearly passed out numerous times.
That many powerful women in one film
is simply an overload of the senses
that left me breathless, gasping for air.
And for that, again, I say, "How dare you?"
[ Slap ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-How dare you, "Hustlers"?!
[ Slap ] And how da--
And how dare you, J.Lo?
[ Slap ]
-How dare you look that good, J.Lo?
[ Slap ]
-What will we see now?
Only one film can top "Hustlers,"
and that's "Downton Abbey," of course.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Slap, slap ]
-Naturally.
-Shall we do one more?
Shall we do one more together? [ Slap ]
-Yes. -I, Jimmy Fallon.
-And I, Michelle Dockery.
-Have a bone to pick with bees. -Have a bone to pick with bees.
-Sting me once, shame on you.
-Sting me twice, shame on me.
-Sting me three times?
-How dare you? -How dare you?
[ Slap, slap ]
-How dare you, and good day to you, sir!
-Good day. -Good day!
-Good day! -How dare you?
-How dare you?
[ Slap, slap ]
-My thanks to Michelle Dockery!