WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
FIRST OF ALL,--
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
HAIL AHAPPY BILL BARR DAY, EVERY I GOT YOU THE TRADITIONAL
GIFT: A BUCKET OF LIES.
TODAY WAS THE SENATE JUDICIARY GRILLING OF ATTORNEY GENERAL AND
MAN TRYING TO HOLD IN THIS BURP UNTIL THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN,
WILLIAM BARR.
THE HEARING-- I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU.
DID ANYBODY GET A CHANCE TO WATCH OF ANY IT TODAY?
IT WAS INCREDIBLY FRUSTRATING TO WATCH, FILLED WITH LEGALISTIC
HAIR-SPLITTING AND POLITICAL ASS-COVERING.
I'D SAY IT MADE ME WANT TO WRING HIS NECK, BUT I'D NEED FIVE MORE
HANDS.
THE HEARING WAS ALWAYS GOING TO BE CONTENTIOUS, WE KNEW THAT,
BECAUSE AFTER BARR GOT THE MUELLER REPORT, HE
RELEASED THAT FOUR-PAGE MEMO TRYING TO SELL HIS SPIN THAT
MUELLER GAVE TRUMP.
(AS TRUMP)
EXONERATION."
( LAUGHTER )
AND-- SURPRISE-- REALIZED ON FURTHER ARNTION NALS, "NO, HE
DIDN'T."
AND LAST NIGHT-- HERE'S THE BIG THING-- "THE WASHINGTON POST"
REPORTED THREE DAYS AFTER BARR'S FOUR-PAGE SUMMARY, MUELLER
WROTE BARR A LETTER COMPLAINING THAT BARR "DID NOT FULLY CAPTURE
THE CONTEXT, NATURE, AND SUBSTANCE" OF MUELLER'S WORK.
"CONTEXT, NATURE, AND SUBSTANCE."
( LAUGHTER )
EVERYTHING.
( LAUGHTER )
LIKE WHAT YOU DID WITH THIS, YOU KNOW, CAR, EXCEPT THE WHEELS,
THE ENGINE, AND THE CAR."
( LAUGHTER )
UPSET WITH ATTORNEY GENERAL WILLIAM BARR'S CHARACTERIZATION
OF THE TRUMP-RUSSIA REPORT AS MANY AMERICANS WERE.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT'S NICE TO KNOW THAT MUELLER IS AS MAD AS WE ARE.
IT'S LIKE WHEN THE NICEST GIRL--
YEAH, THAT'S NICE TO KNOW.
IS IT'S LIKE WHEN THE NICEST GIRL
IN YOUR FRIEND GROUP FINALLY ADMITS SHE CAN'T STAND
CHELSEA'S NEW BOYFRIEND, EITHER.
( LAUGHTER )
HIM.
ALSO, I HAVE THIS WEIRD FEELING THAT CHAD'S TRYING TO UNDERMINE
DEMOCRACY.
( LAUGHTER )
AGAIN, MUELLER SENT HIS LETTER OF COMPLAINT TO BARR ON
MARCH 27.
BUT ON APRIL 10, IN SENATE TESTIMONY, UNDER OATH, BARR SAID
THIS: >> DID BOB MUELLER SUPPORT YOUR
CONCLUSION?
>> I DON'T KNOW WHETHER BOB MUELLER SUPPORTED MY CONCLUSION.
>> Stephen: YES, YOU DO!
(AS BARR)
SUPPORTED MY CONCLUSION.
I MEAN, WHAT IS KNOWLEDGE?
CAN WE REALLY KNOW ANYTHING?
I MEAN, I KNOW MUELLER SENT ME A LETTER, BUT WHAT IS LETTER?
WHO IS MUELLER?
WHERE AM I RIGHT NOW?
FULL DISCLOSURE: I DRANK A LARGE AMOUNT OF AYAHUASCA TEA BEFORE
THISESOME, AND I AM ON A JOURNEY INTO THE INFINITE.
I SEEK THE GREAT DEER!
MOTHER LOVE, SHOW ME YOUR FACE!" A COUPLE OF AYAHUASCA FANS HERE
TONIGHT.
AND WE KNOW BARR READ MUELLER'S PISSED-OFF LETTER, BECAUSE A DAY
AFTER MUELLER SENT HIS LETTER TO BARR, THE TWO MEN SPOKE BY PHONE
FOR ABOUT 15 MINUTES.
15 MINUTES.
MUELLER SHOULD HAVE JUST SENT HIM A TEXT: "BILL, U EGGPLANT.
THIS SUMMARY IS POOP EMOJI, POOP EMOJI, POOP EMOJI."
( LAUGHTER )
I CAN SAY EGGPLANT ON CBS?
CAN I SAY-- I CAN.
SO, BARR HAD PLENTY OF 'SPLAININ' TO DO TO CONGRESS.
BUT, FIRST, HE RELEASED HIS OPENING STATEMENT AHEAD OF TIME.
AND GUESS HOW LONG IT WAS.
FOUR PAGES!
FOUR PAGES IS EVIDENTLY THE PERFECT LENGTH TO SAY NOTHING.
"OKAY, CLASS, I WANT YOU TO READ 'MOBY DICK,' TONIGHT AND THEN DO
A FOUR-PAGE SUMMARY OF WHAT YOU WISH THE BOOK WAS ABOUT.
PUT SOME SEX IN THERE.
MAYBE SOME VAMPIRES.
SEXY VAMPIRES."
THEN THE SENATORS BEGAN THE Q&A.
THEY ASKED THE "Qs," AND WHAT HE LACKED IN "A," HE MADE UP IN
HOLE.
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
QUALITY FAMILY JOKE RIGHT THERE.
ACCORDING TO BARR, MUELLER WASN'T MAD ABOUT BARR'S SUMMARY.
HE WAS MAD AT THE FAKE NEWS.
>> I CALLED BOB AND SAID, YOU KNOW, "WHAT'S THE ISSUE HERE?"
ARE YOU-- AND I ASKED HIM IF HE WAS SUGGESTING THAT THE MARCH 24
LETTER WAS INACCURATE.
AND HE SAID NO, BUT THAT "THE PRESS REPORTING HAD BEEN
INACCURATE," AND THAT THE PRESS WAS READING TOO MUCH INTO IT.
>> Stephen: YEAH, THE PRESS WAS READING TOO MUCH INTO IT.
YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO ACTUALLY READ BARR'S MEMO, JUST SORT OF
QUINT AT IT, LIKE IT'S-- LIKE A MAGIC EYE POSTER.
IT'S A SAILBOAT.
NOPE.
A DOLPHIN WITH A FOOTBALL.
NOPE.
I GOT IT.
IT'S A SACK OF CRAP!
THERE YOU GO.
YEAH, A DOLPHIN WITH A SACK OF CRAP.
( APPLAUSE )
WHAT MUELLER FELT, WHO CARES WHAT MUELLER FELT.
>> BOB MUELLER IS THE EQUIVALENT OF A U.S. ATTORNEY.
HIS WORK CONCLUDED WHEN HE SENT HIS REPORT TO THE ATTORNEY
GENERAL.
AT THAT POINT, IT WAS MY BABY, AND I WAS MAKING A DECISION
AS TO WHETHER OR NOT TO MAKE IT PUBLIC.
>> Stephen: THAT'S AN ODD METAPHOR.
( LAUGHTER )
YOUR BABY PUBLIC?
( LAUGHTER )
BABY?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THERE YOU GO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HIS OWN CRITIQUE OF MUELLER'S LETTER CRITIQUING HIM.
>> THE LETTER IS A BIT SNITTY, AND I THINK IT WAS PROBABLY
WRITTEN BY ONE OF HIS STAFF PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: I CAN IMAGINE MUELLER WAS A BIT SNITTY,
BECAUSE YOUR FOUR-PAGE SUMMARY WAS A STEAMING PILE OF SNIT.
( LAUGHTER )
SUPERCUTS FOR SOME CHEAP HAIR-SPLITTING.
HE SAID THAT MUELLER COULDN'T HAVE BEEN MAD AT HIS SUMMARY,
BECAUSE IT'S NOT ACTUALLY A SUMMARY.
>> THE MARCH 24 LETTER WAS NOT A SUMMARY OF THE REPORT BUT A
STATEMENT OF THE PRINCIPAL CONCLUSIONS.
>> Stephen: IT WASN'T A SUMMARY.
IT WAS A "STATEMENT OF THE PRINCIPAL CONCLUSIONS," THE SAME
WAY THAT BILL BARR HAS NOT PROVEN HIMSELF TO BE A POLITICAL
PROSTITUTE.
HE IS A POLITICAL CALL GIRL.
CLASSY.
BARR EVEN SPLIT HAIRS ABOUT HIS OWN HAIR-SPLITTING.
WHEN HE WAS LAST IN CONGRESS, DAYS AFTER HE RECEIVED MUELLER'S
LETTER, HE TOLD THEM THIS: >> REPORTS HAVE EMERGED
RECENTLY, GENERAL, THAT MEMBERS OF THE SPECIAL COUNSEL'S TEAM
ARE FRUSTRATED AT SOME LEVEL WITH THE LIMITED INFORMATION
INCLUDED IN YOUR MARCH 24 LETTER, THAT IT DOES NOT
ADEQUATELY OR ACCURATELY, NECESSARILY, PORTRAY THE
REPORT'S FINDINGS.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY ARE REFERENCING WITH THAT?
>> NO, I DON'T.
>> Stephen: SPOILER: YES HE DID.
HERE'S HOW BARR EXPLAINED IT TODAY:
>> WHY DID YOU TESTIFY ON APRIL 9 THAT YOU DIDN'T KNOW THE
CONCERNS BEING SPECIFIED BY MUELLER'S TEAM WHEN, IN FACT,
YOU HAD HEARD THOSE CONCERNS DIRECTLY FROM MR. MUELLER TWO
WEEKS BEFORE?
>> WELL, AS I SAID, I TALKED DIRECTLY TO BOB MUELLER.
I TALKED DIRECTLY TO BOB MUELLER, NOT MEMBERS OF HIS
TEAM.
>> Stephen: SO YOU DIDN'T TALK TO THE PEOPLE WHO WROTE THE
MUELLER REPORT, JUST BOB MUELLER.
"I'VE NEVER MET ANYONE IN BON JOVI.
I JUST TALK DIRECTLY TO JON BON JOVI."
THAT'S WHY I GIVE LAW A BAD NAME.
NOW, SENATOR-- SENATOR--
♪ I GIVE LAW A BAD NAME ♪ WOOO!
NOW--
THANK YOU.
SENATOR BEN SASSE ASKED BARR ABOUT HOW FOREIGN SPIES ARE
USING SOPHISTICATED NEW WAYS TO TRY TO CONTACT PRESIDENTIAL
CAMPAIGNS.
>> IN A DIGITAL CYBER ERA, YOU DON'T NEED A BAR AND A HOOKER
ANYMORE.
YOU CAN SURROUND PEOPLE DIGITALLY MUCH EASIER.
>> Stephen: THE PRESIDENT, HOWEVER, I'M GUESSING, STILL
VERY INTERESTED IN THAT BAR-HOOKER SCENARIO.
( LAUGHTER )
I LIKE THAT.
I'LL BE IN THE BAR."
( APPLAUSE )
MAZIE HIRONO TOOK HER WHACKS AT THIS PINATA OF PERJURY.
>> MR. BARR, NOW THE AMERICAN PEOPLE KNOW YOU ARE NO DIFFERENT
FROM RUDY GIULIANI OR KELLYANNE CONWAY, OR ANY OF THE OTHER
PEOPLE WHO SACRIFICE THEIR ONCE-DECENT REPUTATION FOR THE
GRIFTER AND LIAR WHO SITS IN THE OVAL OFFICE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: COLD-BLOODED!
WOO-HOO!
>> Stephen: MADAME, HOW DARE YOU IMPLY THAT KELLYANNE CONWAY EVER
HAD A DECENT REPUTATION?
( LAUGHTER )
HIRONO KEPT TEARING INTO BARR.
>> BEING ATTORNEY GENERAL OF THE UNITED STATES IS A SACRED TRUST.
YOU HAVE BETRAYED THAT TRUST.
AMERICA DESERVES BETTER.
YOU SHOULD RESIGN.
I HAVE SOME QUESTIONS FOR YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THAT WAS-- THAT'S-- THAT WAS A QUICK PIVOT.
"THIS DINNER IN A DISGRACE "N" THIS RESTAURANT IS ONE GIANT
HEALTH CODE VIOLATION.
YOU SHOULD BE FIRED AND BULLDOZED INTO THE GROUND
OPINION I WOULD LIKE TO SEE THE DESSERT
MONEYUE.
BRING THE CART AROUND."
BUT THE TRUE STAR OF THE BARR BASHIN' WAS CALIFORNIA SENATOR
KAMALA HARRIS.
SHE STARTED--
HER FAMILY IS HERE TONIGHT, EVIDENTLY.
HARRIS STARTED BY PRESSING BARR ON WHETHER TRUMP HAD PRESSURED
THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT TO INVESTIGATE HILLARY CLINTON.
>> HAS THE PRESIDENT OR ANYONE AT THE WHITE HOUSE EVER ASKED OR
SUGGESTED THAT YOU OPEN AN INVESTIGATION OF ANYONE?
YES OR NO, PLEASE, SIR.
>> UM... THE PRESIDENT OR ANYBODY ELSE...
I'M TRYING TO GRAPPLE WITH THE WORD "SUGGEST."
I MEAN, THERE HAVE BEEN DISCUSSIONS OF MATTERS OUT THERE
THAT THEY HAVE NOT ASKED ME TO OPEN AN INVESTIGATION, BUT--
>> PERHAPS THEY SUGGESTED?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
I WOULDN'T SAY "SUGGEST."
>> HINTED?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
>> INFERRED?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS )
ADVOCATED, COUNSELED, IMPLIED, INDICATED, OFFERED, PROPOSED,
PROMPTED, PROPOUNDED, RECOMMENDED, REMINDED."
( LAUGHTER )
I AM NOT AFRAID TO USE IT."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TONIGHT.
MARISKA HARGITAY IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, ANOTHER TRUMP NOMINEE HIT THE SKID.
STICK AROUND.