before we get into difficult
conversations i want to give you some
simple but powerful strategies for
improving your communication in general
i recommend using these every day during
your regular interactions if you use
them consistently they should cut down
the situations that could build up to
difficult conversations
first use as many levels of
communication as you can
humans pick up a lot of meaning from the
nonverbal cues that we see and hear when
we interact
this is why you should be careful using
email and text to convey important
information
that loss of nonverbal information can
have the other person hear a whole
different meaning than what you intended
the important thing here is that they
all line up for example if you're
praising your team's efforts don't be
shaking your head or if you want to
connect with someone on a personal level
don't meet in a noisy place
second clearly share your intent for the
communication
if you state your goal you increase the
chances the receiver will hear it as you
mean it
you might say something like the reason
i'm calling you is to apologize for how
the meeting went
or
the purpose for this email is to confirm
that you're coordinating the trade show
third avoid over-generalizing things
it's fairly common that when we care
about something we state it more
strongly but using phrases like you
always or you never are going to create
defensiveness in the other person
also avoid exaggerating which is a form
of generalizing this is when 10 minutes
late becomes 20 or two missed meetings
becomes three
overstating things gives the other
person a place to counter you with
examples and then you're in an argument
and not focused on the goal you want to
achieve
fourth speak for yourself
use something called i statements i
statements are when you speak in the
first person to talk about your
experiences and your feelings the goal
is to convey the impact the other
person's behavior has on you
for example instead of saying it annoys
everyone when you're late to meetings
say something like when you're late to
meetings i feel frustrated because i
have to rework the agenda on the fly
this will also help prevent you from
speaking on behalf of others which can
make someone feel ganged up on
now let's switch to the receiver's
perspective there are also some good
strategies to use when you're the
receiver in the communication
first be an active listener focus on
what the other person is saying and show
that you're listening
use non-verbal signals such as nodding
your head to show agreement or leaning
forward to show interest
most importantly avoid the temptation to
start building your counter-argument in
your head
the goal of active listening is to be
sure you're really hearing what the
other person is trying to convey
second ask questions when you're the
receiver your goal is to make sure
you're hearing the message accurately if
something's not clear ask a question
that will provide clarity
third confirm what you understand
one of my favorite techniques is called
paraphrasing and you share back to the
person what you think they said
this does not mean that you agree you're
just making sure that you got the
message correctly for example you might
say so what i'm hearing you say is my
lateness causes extra work for you and
that's frustrating
finally share your perspective
once the other person feels heard you
can now share what you think and feel
hopefully the other person who's now the
receiver uses the same techniques of
active listening and so on
be as clear as possible identify where
you're in agreement and where you
disagree
if the situation's complex take each
piece separately
in the dialogue you'll go back and forth
using the strategies for senders and
receivers
during the conversation you'll both
increase your clarity and understanding
over time as you have more and more
successful communications you'll also
build trust
using these strategies for everyday
communication will greatly enhance your
effectiveness as well as your
relationships
but difficult conversations are still
going to happen
and these strategies are not sufficient
to get you through a difficult
conversation
difficult conversations are unique
because the stakes are higher and our
emotions are stronger
so let's turn our attention to how to
successfully have difficult
conversations