This is a symptom of the problems in our relationship.
It's time for another ask me anything video.
Today at QueenBeeing.com, we are answering a question from a survivor who asked me to discuss what happens when the narcissist cheats on you and
blames you for the betrayal. So that's exactly what we're talking about today at QueenBeeing.com.
So, let's get started. (Closed captioning provided by Athena Moberg and
CPTSDfoundation.org) My name is Angie Atkinson and on this channel,
I offer free, daily video coaching to help you discover, understand and overcome
narcissistic abuse and toxic relationships. I like to call it toxic relationship rehab. So that sounds good to you,
hit that subscribe button and let's get going. When a narcissist is caught cheating on you or otherwise betraying you in your relationship,
they will almost never take responsibility for the betrayal.
In fact,
one of the most common ways they refuse
responsibility is to weakly apologize, if they apologize at all and then to immediately begin to point out everything they think is wrong with you
in the relationship. For example, say your spouse told you that they were going to a happy hour for work and
you were totally fine with this
because I don't know, maybe you needed a break or you just understood how important socializing can be in a career, but 4 or 5
hours later you get a phone call, the narcissist is going to another bar with the people from work.
Well, to be honest, at first this kind of makes you nervous,
but since you've been conditioned to keep your mouth shut and not say how you really feel about this kind of stuff,
you just say, okay and you move on. Now it's important to note here that a normal, healthy relationship,
this really wouldn't be an issue, because you would be allowed to discuss your fears as well as any issues you may have with trust
and you'd be allowed to do so in a safe way, where your partner would empathize and make you feel more comfortable about these things,
but
narcissists can't allow this because they feel threatened and they feel that they're at risk of being seen for what they actually are
if they are open and honest with you.
So instead, they demand blind,
unquestioned trust and they use their
narcissistic injury and their narcissistic rage to condition you into just accepting whatever they say.
This way, they feel like they can say or do anything that comes to mind and they know you won't say a word because you don't want
to start any trouble. You don't want to launch the inevitable argument and narcissistic rage that always happens
They want you to feel like this trust thing,
it's a real issue for you and that if you don't just get over it already, they'll leave you or worse
they'll cheat on you because you know, you keep accusing them so they might as well just do it.
Well,
let's get back to our example. Over the course of that evening, you later learn that the narcissist has been flirting with everyone in sight
and that at the end of the night they go home with someone from work.
They spend 4 or 5 hours there and they stumble back home through your door 5 or 6 or 7 in the morning.
By now, you've already learned that the house they went to was the home of a single person from work
and you also learn through an unchecked Facebook tag that they lied to you about
exactly who they were going out with and then you learn is that all of the other people at the happy hour and at the
other bar later, we're single people.
Well, at first you say nothing, you hope that the narcissist will just tell you the truth and you won't have to worry about it,
because they will explain what happened and it will have been innocent and they will have had nothing to hide.
Well,
despite the fact that for you, cheating is a deal breaker and
despite the fact that they clearly spent several hours alone with a single person, you find yourself hoping against all hope that there is a
logical explanation and that maybe you won't have to uproot your whole life,
but the narcissist looks you right in the eyes and lies to you blatantly and without remorse. You were shocked and angry,
but you hold your tongue hoping against hope that your
relationship matters
enough to them, if they'll just spill the beans already. You give them way too many chances to tell the truth. You give subtle, little
hints and then more obvious ones that eventually leave you practically begging for the truth. Finally, after a day or 2,
you just can't stand it anymore
and you confront them. You tell them hey, I know what happened and for just a moment the shock stops them
maybe they even offer up a weak apology, maybe not and then they begin to twist the story.
Over the next few minutes they do their very best to convince you and maybe themselves that they really did nothing wrong.
I mean they were just drunk. They had nowhere else to go.
They needed to sober up and this kind, single soul offered them a place to do so safely.
I mean, my gosh, you didn't want them to drive drunk,
did you?. Are you trying to kill them and then they say maybe you did want them to drive drunk and before long,
they've launched into a monologue of everything
they think you're doing wrong in the relationship, everything that's wrong with you and how all of that led them to this moment and
when you note that if they really didn't do anything wrong,
it sure seemed odd that they just wouldn't tell you. They'll say something like, well
I was just trying to protect you.
I didn't want you to get upset for no reason and I didn't want to have this conversation.
Truth is, the last part
there, about not wanting to have that conversation is probably the only truth in that statement.
While they swear up and down on everything that in fact, nothing happened in the several hours, long, sober obsession,
they also tell you that maybe if you were better somehow
they wouldn't need to go out with a group of single people and they wouldn't have gone and stayed with a single person that they
did alone for several hours if you know, you were just better somehow. They tell you that it's your fault and they say again,
look I did nothing wrong and then the nail in the coffin; This is not my fault.
This is a symptom of the problems in our relationship.
I'm here to tell you my friend that this is not the truth. You were not the problem here.
In fact,
this is a known
manipulation tactic that
narcissist will often use to shift the blame when they do things, like cheat on you or otherwise betray you. This is what you need
to know, they're not sorry they betrayed you. They are not sorry they cheated.
The only thing they might be sorry about is that you found out and they now have to deal with your feelings which they will
quickly turn back on you in order to remove blame for their behavior.
So, did the narcissist mean to hurt you? Have they cheated on you? What are you supposed to do?
Well,
you have to understand first of all that since narcissists are very self protective, which fully explains the narcissistic rage and injury
they express, they're always afraid that someone's out to get something from them or someone's going to hurt them, because they don't have
empathy and because they're also hypersensitive, they really don't feel bad when you are hurt
and so sometimes they hurt you and they don't realize it. However, the reason that they might cheat is related to their own
insecurities. I know, just stick with me and I'll explain it to you. ...because their own feelings can be hurt really easily,
they're very sensitive, they're very specific on how you're allowed to treat them.
So anything you do could be seen as an attack, even something very simple that you don't mean in a negative way.
Any situation where you're focusing on something other than them is very difficult for them. They don't have any real inner confidence
they can depend on and because you aren't in any given moment giving them constant validation,
even if that was just because you were, I don't know, taking care of your kids or working,
they feel like they're not getting what they want
and that is exactly why they seek it somewhere else and this is the very reason that most
narcissists end up cheating. So what do you do now? Are you supposed to stick it out?
Are you supposed to try to fix things or are you supposed to just drop them like a hot rock?
Well, that's completely up to you,
but think about this; Is it really worth
taking the time to figure out why they did it and what they could do differently next time or worse what you could do differently
next time if the results were going to be the same? The fact of the matter
is that when you're in a relationship with a narcissist, you find yourself in the same arguments over and over again
and of course, this is often followed by a silent treatment or a
confrontation or just any sort of punishment. Maybe they withhold intimacy,affection,
anything they can think of to put you back in your place.
Understand that confronting them will do very little good and that while it is
entirely draining to be in a relationship with one of these people,
eventually you're going to have to accept the fact that they cannot empathize with your feelings
no matter how long you actually stay together.
Of course, there are certain narcissists who might become self-aware and maybe they'll learn to notice when they're hurting you,
but they still probably won't care. The fact is that because
narcissists are so hypersensitive to every single thing, because they are oversensitive to their own emotions
and because they don't have empathy, they were practically designed to be abusive. They can't be any other way.
So let me ask you a question.
Is it worth it to try to
fix a relationship with someone who will never change?
Are you willing to bend over backward and become someone you're not? To tolerate boundary, overstepping and
disrespect and cheating and betrayal regularly?
Are you willing to have someone lie to your face every single day of your life or lie to you often enough that you doubt
everything they say? Is that worth it to you. So did you identify with any of that?
This brings me to the question of the day.
And the question of the day is; Have you dealt with the cheating narcissist before? Are you dealing with one now?
If so, how did you deal or how are you handling it? Share your thoughts, share your ideas,
share your experiences in the comments section below and let's talk about it.
I've been doing a thing in my videos where I'm sharing a screen grab of my subscribers in fast motion
and I had a couple of people say to me, they would prefer that I don't do that.
So I'm going to stop that,
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I
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