How do you get your ex back when he's sick and tired of commitment?
What do you do when your date won't dress well and do age differences really matter?
How does it change if you're dating a man who's 10 years older.
Welcome to Ask Mark.
It's week number 68 from the Philippines.
This is exciting we're in Manila this week.
Had a couple of things on here, met some YouTubers and it's been a really great week and I thought
I'd bring you an Ask Mark from here, a few actually.
This week we got some really good questions.
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go.
The first question is a really good one and it's a big one.
It's from Quarters and Quarters says, Mark, how do you get a guy like an ex boyfriend
to commit if he's too scared to try again because he thinks we will break up with a
misunderstanding.
But he is showing, he is showing signs, he is still in love with you.
I'll tell you what, if I had a dollar for every time I was asked this question now I
was a little hesitant to ask this, to answer this question because there are so many permutations
of the situation.
There's so many possible things that can be different and so many things that can go on.
So what I want you to do this time is relate this question to a specific client scenario
that I coached literally this morning.
And just FYI, this might not fit your particular scenario of this question.
So this video might not be for you, but hopefully you can get something out of this client's
example.
And what she learned about getting her ex back can help you.
So here's a one minute version of the 40 minute story of what was going on with her and her
ex.
There was basically a constant cycle.
He would break up because he felt constricted by her.
They go anywhere from two to 30 days and no contact whereby one of them would reinitiate
and the other would respond.
Usually it was him, sometimes it was her.
He'd say, I miss you.
I want to talk to you, hear how you are.
She'd go straight back in.
They'd start talking again.
Pretty soon they're sleeping together again.
Sometimes they'd even be going on dates again.
Then her man would keep saying the same thing.
Even though they were hanging out, even though they were going on dates, having sex at least
once a week.
He was then saying, I don't believe we're compatible.
I just want us to be friends.
I don't see us as partners.
These keep going for a while.
Eventually the same thing happens.
He breaks up again.
She says, okay, I'm going to go away, do my no contact thing, and the whole cycle started
again.
So if this is like your situation or if you recognize this yo-yo pattern, this video might
help you.
What I said to her was this, there's two very important things here that are happening that
you're doing that are communicating low value to your ex that are assuring that he's not
staying back.
Because the interesting thing in this situation, this is like your situation Quarter, is that
the guy was coming back, the guy was showing as Quarter says here, he is showing signs
he's still in love.
This guy come back four or five times and it wasn't always him initiating, sometimes
she was.
He was still responding.
But every time the same thing would happen and it would break apart again due to him.
Why was this?
The first one is I had to ask my client, why is this guy always telling you when you're
getting back into dates, you're getting back into the sex.
Why does he always feel this need to clarify himself that you guys aren't compatible, that
you guys should probably just be friends?
Why does he have this need?
And she said to me, well it's cause I always ask him.
I said, right, clue number one.
And clue number two was when she told me about the way that he would come back in and he'd
message her and there was multiple times where she said, I'm taking no contact.
I'm taking my time away.
He'd message her.
She jumped straight back in.
So here's what's important.
You must, must, must find yourself again first before you go and get your ex back because
this is proof, right?
This woman was actually doing the right things and she obviously had a fair bit of attraction.
They're coming from his end, but this is proof.
It doesn't last if you don't change yourself and if you don't get yourself back, because
the whole time, all she's asking herself is how do I get him back?
She would literally ask him, do you still love me?
Like are you still into this?
They'd get four dates back into it and she'd say, do you see a future?
The whole time she's thinking, how do I get this guy back?
As opposed to asking yourself, do I want this guy back?
She never once in the entire story stopped to question his values and if he was right
for her, she never once did a compatibility assessment on him to think maybe he's not
right for me.
He was putting her on probation whenever he felt like it.
He'd just get away, take your space, and she was there ready to come back whenever and
she was not doing the same to him.
It was completely disrespecting her value.
So what she had to do, she had to find herself first.
And this is what you're going to have to do if you're serious about getting your ex back
in these situations.
Number one, find yourself first.
Number two, get your boundaries back in place.
Number three, start asking yourself rather than how do I get him back?
Is he right for me?
I tell you what, if a woman was this back and forth with me, I'd be losing interest
like a stone.
So here's a couple of things you can do.
Sit down, write out all the things you want in a partner.
And I bet they don't include flakiness.
I bet they don't include uncertainty.
I bet they don't include guessing about whether or not he's into commitment.
Write those down and it really helps you remember, is this person right for me?
Go on some dates with others.
You don't have to get into a relationship with them, but just get out there and meet
them.
Once you've taken that time and once you've found yourself again, if you're still interested
in getting him back, that's when you can have a go at seeing if he's still interested as
well.
To finish up, this is how you know you've done this right and have a good chance of
getting your ex back.
If he were to come to you and say, I want you now, I want a relationship with you.
I really want this to work.
Would you put him back in the maybe bucket?
Are you doing this on your own timeline?
The moment you're doing this on your own timeline, that is the moment you found yourself again
and a capable then of considering a new relationship with your ex.
Great question, very important one.
Second question is a weird one.
It's a pretty good question.
Tough one actually.
It's from B and I'll have to zoom in a bit to read this.
Ah Mark.
Some advice please.
I recently met someone online.
I've had two dates together and a third one coming up this weekend.
I put in effort with my hair and clothes.
The problem is, is he doesn't make any effort with his appearance.
The first and second dates, he wore grubby jeans and layered tee shirts and even a wooly
hat.
He joked about it.
I feel like I want to say something, uh, in time for our third date.
It's almost made me feel less attracted to him.
He's a great person, but obviously out of the dating game for a while and has no game,
uh, very little sex appeal with the clothes situation.
He's ex-military.
What, if anything, could I say?
Um, okay soldier, first two dates, you got away with all the tee shirts.
Third date, dress to impress?
I have no idea.
This is from B.
This is a toughie!
This is a toughie.
I had to really sit down and think about this one because does he just not care what you
think?
Is that just him?
And he's like, you'll take me or leave me.
Is he not that into you?
Does he have no social sense?
There's so many possibilities here and most of them you can't really delve into over text,
especially in the second date with someone you have no connection to.
I think probably the best thing you can do here is make a joke about, all right mster
we did some, we did some um, normal places.
Now we're going somewhere fancy.
And then can't wait to, can't wait to dress up.
Something fun.
Can't wait to get dressed up.
Tongue face, something fun that basically says, Hey, let's see what you got in this
sort of a scenario.
And then I'd make the call on that.
If he dresses up fine at the nice place, you probably go alright.
Make a bit of fun of him.
Like when, when he arrives in Ia nice suit, like, ah, you dress up schmick when you want
to, don't you?
And the final question is about dating an older guy.
It's from Mute, it says, what advice would you give to someone who's dating a guy 10
years older in his late thirties?
Would it be different from dating someone in their own age group?
Um, probably the simplest metaphor I can think of with this Mute is that age gaps are just
like riding a bike faster than usual.
Anytime you get on a bike, anytime you're, you're ride along, there's always a chance
of falling off just the same way anytime you date, anytime you get into a relationship
with anyone, there's always a chance of falling off.
Age gaps mean you're increasing the speed of that bike and thus, the danger by a little
bit.
Now there's plenty of people who ride their bikes faster and have no accidents at all,
but we all know that the faster you ride, the more likely you are to be involved in
an accident.
So think of it that way.
It just increases the risk.
I'd say the big things to look for, I'm actually, I have a full video coming out on this.
I won't give too much away, but the big things to look for, number one is compatibilities,
practical compatibilities.
Things like not wanting kids at the same age and not having the same interests, incompatible
interests, not being at the same stage of life or wanting to do the same things.
They can cause practical stressors on the relationship.
The other thing to look for Mute is any toxic patterns that might creep in.
So things like a parent child type dynamic creeping in, hero damsel in distress dynamic
creeping in even for example, him being controlling treating you like property.
Those dynamics are more common in relationships with greater age gaps.
So again, it's not you're guaranteed falling off the bike, it's just you're more likely
the faster you ride and the faster that age gap builds.
So go in with your eyes really open.
Good video.
Thank you so much for watching.
It's fun.
Thanks for having me here, Manila.
I'll see if I can do a couple more videos here.
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