- Well, we're back!
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. - Whoa, let me finish!
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry. - Let me finish!
- Order, order!
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry. - Let him finish.
- Let me finish.
Let me finish my point.
- Your solution is
to pick off the ingredient? - Let me finish my point.
- That's your solution?
- I'm right, you're wrong, shut up!
(all laughing)
(upbeat music)
Welcome to another episode of "Rank Court."
I am your Rank King.
- That's my dad.
- Oh, yeah, makes sense.
- Yes.
(dramatic music)
Today, we will be discussing
the ever controversial ranking of pizza toppings.
Gentlemen, state your case.
- Hey, I'm Kwesi James,
I don't like topics on my pizza
and I'm not afraid to say it.
- Hey, I'm Eugene Lee Yang,
I like all the toppings on my pizza
and I'm not afraid to say it.
(Kwesi and Eugene laughing)
- Like supreme?
- Otherwise known as the supreme!
- I'm Zach, and today I'm here to say
that pineapple on pizza is valid
and I'm not afraid to say it.
- Some definitive positions there.
We will begin our debate with opening statements.
- Before I start, I'm not afraid of you mother (censored).
(Eugene and Zach exclaiming)
All right, I'm not afraid of any of you mother (censored).
- Who are you talking to?
- Who are you talking to? - Gloria!
- [Rank King] Gloria?
- I'm not afraid of you mother (censored).
(Eugene and Zach laughing)
- Whoa, Gloria.
- Gonna have all the Glorias sounding off in the comments.
- All right, here it is,
from a Thrillist article in 2017,
by my main man Matt Lynch,
hopefully you're a good human being.
(Zach and Kwesi laughing)
- Kwesi, no.
- Because if you're a fucked up individual,
I'll take that back.
All right, here's what he says,
"There's an unmistakable stigma attached
"to being a fully realized, grown-ass adult
"who prefers cheese pizza."
And I fucking understand that.
To like cheese pizza,
people think that you have like adolescent taste buds
and you're not refined, but I dis-a-fucking-gree.
Loving cheese pizza is loving the fundamentals, the basics.
If you fuck up a slice, you ain't got nothing nice,
am I right, Zach?
- It's hard to disagree with that passion.
- Cheese pizza is the staple of a great freaking slice.
What else do you need?
- [Zach And Eugene] Toppings.
- Now you throw some stuff on it,
you're just adding shit
to something that's already freaking perfect.
I told you, I'm not afraid of you mother (censored)!
I'm here to preach tonight, baby!
Somebody give me an amen.
- Amen. - All right.
- I think we're good.
- [Kwesi] Okay.
- You did great. - All right, all right.
- Thanks for coming up here. - Yeah.
- And we're gonna let somebody else go.
- I rest my case.
- Judge, my enter into the court
my vacation in Sicily outfit?
- You look so cute.
- Yeah!
- [Zach] Objection, he's adorable.
- [Rank King] Very cute.
- Got pasta on my shirt.
- [Kwesi] Oh, that shit feel rich.
- Very cute.
Oh, drama.
(dramatic music)
- Where's my camera, this one?
- Yeah.
- Surprise, bitch.
Bet you thought you'd seen the last of me.
One of the best quotes in arguably
Ryan Murphy's best show ever,
"American Horror Story: Coven."
That's right,
I'm arguing Jessica Lange (dramatic music)
the supreme pizza, the best of all bests,
because you can't decide on one or two toppings that suck
or zero toppings at all,
then why not just get all of the toppings?
- Jessica Lange.
- Jessica Lange, baby.
- Get it, girl.
- Supreme means final or ultimate.
It's in the word, baby.
It's already winning just by existing off of your tongue.
- Ooh.
- Eugene, can I have those note cards
when you're done with them?
- [Eugene] Of course, yes, yes, yes.
- I just wanna review your notes.
- Of course, of course, of course.
Here, this is the Jessica Lange.
(Kwesi and Zach giggling)
"American Horror Story: Coven."
- Mm-hmm, yeah.
- [Eugene] That show, better than "Glee."
- That one was crazy.
- [Eugene] I would say, yeah, it's a good one.
- Crazy, crazy. - It's really good.
Balenciaga!
Anyone watch it?
All right, anyways.
- Let's discuss the truth. (tropical music)
- He has a phone in his file. (laughs)
- Pineapple on pizza, AKA the Hawaiian.
The most misunderstood pizza in all the land.
Divisive, scary.
But I'm here to say, grow up, you babies!
Put some pineapple in your mouth.
Han and Leia, Rose and Jack,
Wall-E and Eve. (group exclaims)
- Good, good.
- Even Paula Abdul and that sexy cartoon cat.
Opposites attract,
and what you got here is the salty cheese on the pizza
and the sweety, sweet, sweet fruit of the pineapple.
You put them together with, what's that,
a little bit of ham's joining the party,
you got yourself a flavor slam.
(Kwesi laughs)
I didn't want a repeat party.
I wanna tell you a little bit about science.
There's been a lot of opinion today,
but I wanna ground us, in fact, Judge, if I may.
Pineapple has vitamin C,
and as we've discussed,
eating pineapple makes your (squeaking)-
- No way, that's enough!
- Taste good! - That's enough!
(Kwesi and Eugene laughing)
We gotta move on all the (squeaking) on this channel.
- The most important thing is pineapple,
it makes your (squeaking) taste good.
- No, no, no, order in my courtroom!
Order in my courtroom!
- Your Honor, if I could,
there's only one pizza that makes (censored) taste better.
(Kwesi laughing)
- Rachel's very upset.
Rachel's very upset, you gotta move on.
- [Rank King] Rachel's on the camera,
give it up for Rachel.
- Rachel, yeah! - Give it up for Rachel Cole!
- I just can't help but feel
that yours is the starting point.
- Okay.
- Look, I loved cheese pizza when I was seven.
- You lost your childhood at seven.
- I saw some dark shit at seven.
- Word.
Westchester, baby.
(Zach laughing)
- Westchester.
- That's where the real shit go down.
- In the streets.
- That's where the real shit go down.
- In the streets of Westchester.
- Well, it just seems like
if you're not gonna argue you
for not even a single topping,
it's kind of, I don't know, the easy way out.
Like your finger can't go
to the select toppings menu and just touch a few buttons?
- Is the fucking library open right now?
- Ooh!
- 'Cause you getting read.
- And I'm the librarian, so shh.
- Oh! - Oh, shit.
- It just feels safe, Kwesi.
I never thought of you as a safe person.
- Oh, huh.
- Huh.
- Sounds like maybe-
- I have no rebuttal.
(all chuckling)
- Name someone who you know
who always orders Hawaiian pizza.
- My beautiful fiance,
Margaret Bustamante loves pineapple pizza.
- I mean, people love things like cocaine,
but they don't do it every day.
- But in the '80s they did,
and the stock market was thriving.
(Eugene laughing)
- Cocaine was definitely better in the '80s.
(Zach laughing)
- And now it just has like Fentanyl.
- Yeah, well that's...
Yeah.
We're on to shrooms now.
(all laughing)
- So the supreme came to be,
and was popularized by, of course,
none other than American institution Pizza Hut.
(Rank King gasps)
- No one out pizzas the hut.
- That's right.
It rose up with the ranks of another invention,
stuffed crust pizza.
- Oh, shit!
(Kwesi and Zach laughing)
- And from there, ladies and gentlemen,
swept across the land,
and what's most beautiful about supreme pizza
is it caters to diverse communities,
'cause you can make your order modified for your taste.
- So then what even is a supreme pizza?
I'm hearing it is nothing at all.
- A supreme pizza should be qualified
as something I believe that at least has about six toppings.
- Yeah. (angelic music)
- Pepperoni. - Yep.
- Italian sausage. - Mm-hmm.
- Green bell pepper. - Mm-hmm.
- Mushrooms. - Mm-hmm.
- Onion. - Mm-hmm.
- [Eugene] And black olives.
(record scratches)
- You're gonna sit here and tell me-
- That's the traditional supreme pizza in America.
- A supreme pizza with black olives
could possibly be the best?
The devil's food.
- Good argument, I do hate black olives.
- Time Magazine named Hawaiian pizza number one.
- [Eugene] They also put Trump
as person of the year multiple times.
- They fucked up.
(all laughing)
They also had Hitler once.
You win some, you lose some.
- Guess what?
Did you know this, Zachary,
that the actual Hawaiian pizza was made in Canada?
- I do, it's in my dossier.
- Well, I said it first.
(Eugene and Zach laughing)
- He did say it first.
- Do you like black olives, Eugene?
- I love black olives.
I love all olives. - Your Honor, I think
you should throw his opinion out of this court.
- Fine.
- Olive oil, olive bruschetta,
(all laughing)
olive tapenade.
- Toppings make pizza complicated.
Am I right?
(all laughing)
Yeah.
- An olive is very easy to pick off,
and you could just what, piss off 90% of your guests
with a Hawaiian pizza,
maybe make the kids happy at the party, or-
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. - Let me finish!
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry. - Let me finish.
- Order, order! - Let me finish.
- Order, order. - I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Let him finish. - Let me finish.
Let me finish my point.
- Your solution is
to pick off the ingredient? - Let me finish my point.
- That's your solution?
- Zach, please.
- That's your solution.
- You get one pizza for a group of people,
and think about all of your family members
and your friends,
everyone has a different opinion on topics.
Easiest thing to do is get a supreme pizza
and just piss Aunt Nancy or Aunt Gloria
who really doesn't like black olives.
That's what happens with supreme pizzas.
- A pizza with no toppings, there's nothing to take off.
(Zach chuckles)
- Look, look, look, look, look.
Look, look, look, sure,
if you want something regular and boring,
you do the cheese pizza.
If you want something that's broad and accessible,
that anybody can like, you go with the supreme,
but if you wanna live, you do the Hawaiian pizza.
- Immigrants came to this country
and gave us something special.
You think they put toppings on their freaking pizza?
No!
- The immigrants only put cheese?
- And then Americans wanna throw some shit on top of that,
and when I mean shit, I mean pineapple.
- All right, objection, Your Honor.
- Object my ass!
- Overruled.
Okay, order, order!
Order in my courtroom!
- People are so outraged at the idea
of putting fruit on a pizza.
Oh, it's crazy.
What's a tomato?
(Rank King gasping)
It's a fruit.
It's in the DNA.
- [Kwesi] Debatable.
- Fig and prosciutto,
what is that but a rich person's pineapple pizza?
- I like the OG stuff,
and when I say OG, I mean the originals, mother (censored).
- Oh my god.
- You know we thought that this episode
might be sponsorable.
- Not today mother (censored)
'cause I ain't afraid. - Oh my god.
- I love your passion.
- I ain't done yet!
(Eugene laughing)
It's bread with tomatoes and shit on top of it
with a splash of cheese.
- Splash of cheese.
- Splash.
- And I'm about to rhyme right now,
what else does it need, please, Gs?
- [Zach] This has really fallen off the rails.
- If you believe in having at least one vegetable
in your pizza, these mother (censored)...
And I said it!
(Kwesi and Zach laughing)
These mother (censored) do not suffice.
- With Hawaiian-
- You're lying. (laughs)
- With Hawaiian, you're flying,
because pineapple is like Snapple,
you pop it and-
- Drop it.
- And drop it.
- And drop it, yeah. - Into your mouth.
Let's go down south to Hawaii.
- That's not south.
- It is a little south. - [Zach] It's a little south.
- A little.
- To Hawaii, where I buy you some pineapple.
Are we good?
- I think I'm good.
- I think you're good.
I think you're good. (Eugene laughs)
- I think I've heard plenty.
- They do not appease,
'cause if you wanna be appeased,
you can't go with the cheese,
the cheese is just for the kids who are at the knees level.
It makes me wheeze
thinking you could even get up to the level or supreme,
so what about that, how about these?
(all yelling)
That was off the dome.
- Nice job.
- That was pretty sick.
- I think it's time we moved to the evidence.
The first piece of evidence, cheese pizza.
- Kwesi, what's that little green shit on your pizza?
- [Kwesi] It ain't a topping, I'll tell you that.
- [Zach] You gotta get rid of it.
- Yeah. - Garnish, it's garnish.
- Everyone grab a slice. - Yes, Zach, have some cheese.
- I'll take the little one.
- Yes, Zach, eat the pizza. - Love this.
- I, Zach Kornfeld, famed pizza eater will weigh in.
- That's a good slice.
- Oh, it does smell good.
You know, there's a simplicity to the cheese pizza.
- I agree with Kwesi.
- Yeah.
You can't go, just like, hey-
- What do you mean?
- I love cheese pizza.
- That's not how this show works.
- (chuckles) Yeah.
(beep)
It's just simple.
- You know what, Kwesi,
you're all right, man. - No, it's just boring.
- Yeah, it's simple.
- No.
(beep) - The seems like the vehicle.
I mean, it's a delicious vehicle, but why not soup it up?
- Yeah, and we love soup.
- I can't finish on this.
- What do you mean?
- Wait, phrasing.
I can't get finished off of this.
- Oh my god.
- I would prefer to not finish on my pizza.
- Oh my god. - This is just the bottom.
- You don't need a lot of stuff, humans.
Just eat the fucking slice!
(Zach laughing)
That's it, just eat the fucking slice!
- Okay, okay, let's tone it down in here.
- Just eat the slice.
- There you go.
- Just eat the slice.
- I just can't help but feel
it's missing a certain je ne sais pineapple.
(Rank King sniffing)
- [Kwesi] It's just simple.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
All right!
(gavel banging)
Let's bring in the next evidence,
supreme pizza. (light music)
- [Eugene] All hail the supreme.
- [Rank King] All hail the supreme.
- Yeah, well, this is this restaurant's version of supreme,
which does include everyone's favorite, black olives.
- [Rank King] Oh, yuck.
- So what I'm hearing is that there's a variance
on what a supreme is depending on the restaurant,
leaving you room to be disappointed.
- Zach, I couldn't agree more. - No, it gives you diversity
to be able to choose what you want
from your favorite restaurant.
- All right, what does everyone think?
Take a bite.
- Take a bite. - Try it out.
- Smell it. - Give it smells,
give it licks.
- [Zach] Oh, that olive is putrid.
- That's a fucking good slice.
- It's good, right?
- A real good slice.
- I can't help but feel it's a little wet
from the abundance of toppings.
- It's just got so much sustenance,
you could feed a village with this.
With one single pizza,
you could feed a whole family.
They feel like they're having a multi-course meal
in one sitting.
- You don't want a buffet when you're getting a pizza.
What you want is simplicity.
- I'm not a simple person, Kwesi, I'm complex.
Big flavor, burst in your mouth.
- I do taste the black olives.
(Zach laughs)
- And black olives are full of antioxidants.
- I bet they don't do much for your (squeaking).
- And they make it (squeaking) taste like olives.
- I don't know, I don't know. - I should have never
talked about them in the first place.
- All right, let's bring in the last round of evidence,
pineapple pizza. (light music)
- Everything about that is no go for me.
- Now this one is just pineapple, no ham.
Oops. - Oh, yeah.
- [Zach] Kwesi, I'm gonna load you up a little bite
right at the top.
(Kwesi chuckles)
- No, I don't want it.
(Eugene laughs)
- You gotta try it. - Fuck the pineapple.
- Kwesi, you gotta try it! - I hate it a lot.
I hate it because of the concept.
(Zach laughing)
- What's he think?
- It's so confusing.
- I always come to these wanting to defend
the one outsider thing,
but objectively, I feel like there's 20 other toppings
I'd put on it before pineapple.
- Amen.
- Like pepperoni.
- Is so much more.
- Sausage. - Exactly.
- Mushrooms. - Exactly.
- If you love pineapple on pizza, this is for you.
- I don't like it.
(dramatic music) (Rank King chewing)
(Rank King gulps) (Kwesi laughs)
- It's great!
- Yeah!
Pineapple hive, for too long,
you've been living in the shadows!
- Okay, okay,
order, order, order! - Half the party
is to opt for a supreme. - Rise up!
- I'm right, you're wrong, shut up!
I need to think about my choices here,
and I always think best while floating.
(all laughing) (Rank King farting)
Okay, I have made my decision.
(dramatic music)
You all have put out such passionate arguments today.
You've called our fans mother (censored).
(all laughing)
A bit too often, I might say,
but this is just the show that this is.
I must now choose who is the third rank
and then I will tell you the first
and then you will just understand the second.
That's how it works.
In third place...
Can we get a drum roll?
(drum roll)
Third place goes to pineapple!
- What the (censored)? (tropical music)
- Here's the thing, everyone in the room
seemed to hate it.
(all laughing)
I liked it, but you know,
sometimes majority does rule.
- Pineapple hive, don't let them get you down.
You live your truth.
- You can like whatever you want.
It is the worst one.
I like it, but I know it's bad.
(Zach chuckles)
- Judge, what about the strength of Zach's argument,
did it save the fact that people don't like pineapple?
- He kept talking about like Hitler
(all laughing)
and didn't support his argument super well.
But there were some other great arguments.
Eugene, you made some good points
about having lots of flavor.
Kwesi, you made a great point
about sometimes people don't want that.
(all laughing)
The person who wins the best pizza topping is cheese pizza!
- Oh shit! (upbeat music)
I've never won anything in this shit.
My first win!
- Show us your dance.
- This is my first one. - Show us the dance.
The fact is, people are more upset
about what they have than what they don't have
when it comes to pizza.
Everyone will eat cheese,
but some people won't eat olives
and some people won't eat pineapple.
- Dumb.
- Hell yeah. - But everyone will eat cheese
so it is by default the best.
Congratulations, Kwesi.
- My first win, yeah!
- This is has been the "Rank Court."
I'm right, you're wrong, shut up!
(Kwesi laughs)
Come back next time,
let us know what you want to see us quarrel about
and who should champion what.
- Yeah, Dad.
(all applauding) (Kwesi laughing)
Fart, fart, fart, fart, fart!
(upbeat music)
What's the statistics on how popular pineapple pizza is?
- Lower.
- [Rank King] I believe it's the least popular.
(Eugene laughing)