-Welcome, everybody. Welcome, welcome, welcome to
"The Tonight Show."
[ Cheering and applause ] You're here.
You made it. [ Whistling ]
Thank you for watching.
Well, guys, a new poll found
that President Biden's approval rating has not been affected
by the classified documents scandal.
[ Laughter ]
Today, Biden said. "In that case,
there's another 100 documents stashed in the poolhouse.
[ Laughter ] Let's just get that out."
Right now, the White House is like, "Alright, we just have
to keep Biden from singing 'Happy Birthday'
and it'll be smooth sailing from here."
[ Laughter ]
-♪ Happy birthday ♪
[ Laughter ] ♪ Dear Vavitz ♪
[ Cheering and applause ] ♪ Happy birthday ♪
♪ To you ♪
-Who?
Dear Mavah?
Meanwhile, the White House is accusing Republicans
of political theater
because they've been attacking Biden
for the handling of classified documents,
but gave former President Trump a free pass.
Yeah, political theater.
Honestly, all this fighting makes me want to run...
...and scream...
[ Laughter ] The White House says Republicans
will call Biden an...
...but then turn around, say Trump is Wicked awesome
[ Laughter and applause ] for doing the same thing.
Or that Trump is...
...while Biden should be...
[ Laughter and applause ] I mean, the story's everywhere.
Every morning I wake up,
Aida ["I eat a"] bowl of cereal.
[ Laughter and applause ]
When I turn on the Newsies ["news he's"]
got another Six documents.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Meanwhile, over in Congress, George Santos is
The Lion King ["the lyin' king"]
[ Laughter ] and the government
can barely afford...
[ Laughter ] I mean, voting for speaker of the House
left them Frozen for a full week.
[ Laughter ] It's like...
...Parton gets more done than you...
[ Laughter and applause ]
You got to start working together.
I don't care if you use Jedi mind tricks
like Mark Hamill. Tons of people are counting on you.
[ Laughter and applause ]
People from...
...Jersey Boys-ee ["Boise"]... [ Laughter ]
...and over on the West Side. Storytime's over, though.
[ Laughter ] It's time to face...
[ Laughter ] ...because all this fighting isn't...
[ Cheering and applause ]
[ Mouths "Thank you" ]
[ Rimshot ]
[ Whistling ]
-Preach!
-[ Laughs ]
Some more news from Washington --
I heard that Congressman George Santos
was just awarded seats on two House committees,
including the Science, Space, and Technology Committee.
[ Booing and laughter ] -[ Snickers ]
-A lot of people are saying that he's not qualified.
I mean, just look at how he defined some simple space terms.
For instance, when asked to define cosmos, Santos said...
[ Laughter ]
Next up, when asked to define constellation, Santos said...
[ Laughter ] -What?! What?!
[ Laughter ]
Up next, when asked to define orbit, Santos said...
[ Laughter and oohs ]
When asked to define celestial, Santos said...
[ Laughter ] -Really?
-Mama Celestial. [ Laughter ]
And, finally, when asked to define prism, Santos said...
-Oh. -[ Indistinct ]
[ Cheering and applause ]
[ Indistinct ] It got serious.
Switching gears -- a new study found
that the COVID vaccine could make Botox less effective.
[ Oohs and laughter ]
People who --
People who get Botox are upset and the worst part is
you can actually see that they're upset.
[ Laughter, ohhs, and applause ]
Their eyebrows are moving.
Some sports news --
the LIV Golf tour is close to securing a TV deal
with the CW network.
-[ Snicker ] -And, if that happens,
I think it's going to change the way we look at golf.
I mean, they already released a teaser for the upcoming year.
Watch this.
♪ I don't want to wait ♪
♪ For our lives to be over ♪
♪ I want to know right now ♪
♪ What will it be ♪
♪ Sorry ♪
-♪ Do do do do ♪
♪ Do do do do ♪
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Cheering ] -A little different. -Wow.
Well, over the past year, due to supply chain issues,
the prices of margarine and butter have skyrocketed.
So, if anyone's thinking about getting their head stuck
in a banister, think twice.
[ Laughter ]
Right now, movie theaters are like -- [ Inhales sharply ]
[ New York accent ] Call us when the price of motor oil goes up.
[ As Jerry Lewis ] Oh, boy!
[ Laughter ]
-[ Squelching ]
You want -- You want [ Mumbling ]? [ Inhales sharply ]
[ Laughter ]
Listen to this, everyone --
tax season is almost here and, apparently,
the country is facing a shortage of accountants.
[ Ohhs and oohs ] -What?
-Let me get this straight -- we're currently short
on eggs, butter, and accountants.
[ Laughter ] And to that, I say,
what the hell are people making their cakes out of?
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Yeah, in the past two years,
more than 300,000 accounts have quit.
It's always comforting when the person who knows all
of your financial information ghosts you.
[ Laughter ]
Well, this is going viral -- at Chipotle,
a customer received an email from the chain,
saying that they'd won free food for a year,
but then hours later, they got another message,
taking back the offer.
[ Ohhs ]
That's Chipotle for you, huh?
You start super excited, then a few hours later,
it comes back to haunt you.
[ Laughter and applause ] You know what I'm saying?
You know what I'm saying?
On the bright side, when you hear Chipotle goes viral,
this is the best-case scenario.
[ Laughter ]
You guys see this? Airline crew members
were caught smuggling 60 pounds of onions into the Philippines.
[ Laughter ] The authorities said,
"Are you guys hiding onions?" And the airline crew was like,
"[ Sniffles ] No."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Hey, I saw that one company is looking to hire new workers
for a pretty interesting job. Take a look at this.
-Planters -- they want three people
to be the chauffeur for Mr. Peanut.
The job starts in June and requires you
to drive cross-country in the Nutmobile.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Drum sting ]
Yeah, they're looking for new drivers
after the original ones got sacked.
And -- -Eh oh!
[ Laughter and applause ]
The Nutmobile is just like the Wienermobile,
except there's two of them. -Wey!
[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ] [ Rimshot ]
Fun fact about the Nutmobile --
as the mileage adds up, it turns into a lowrider.
[ Laughter and oohs ] [ Indistinct ]
[ Rimshot ]
Finally, guys, I know a lot of people find math boring.
Well, that's why we've updated math to make the equations
about stuff that you can relate to.
It's time for "Popular Mathematics".
Here we go.
[ Cheering and applause ]
-♪ Popular Mathematics ♪
♪ Mathematics ♪
-Yes!
Let's take a look at our first
equation here. If you take...
You see what I'm saying? -Ah.
-Meghan Trainor. -Meghan Trainor, yeah.
-You get the idea. -Trainor.
-Here's another one.
[ Laughter and applause ]
If you take...
[ Laughter and applause ]
-I see.
[ Baritone ] Oh, yeah! -Here's another one.
[ Laughter and applause ]
If you take Caesar... -Yep.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Slurred ] Hail SZA.
Here's another one.
[ Laughter, ohhs, and applause ]
-Popular.
-If you take Daniel Day-Lewis... -Mm-hmm.
♪ Day-o ♪
[ Laughter ] ♪ Dayyyy-o ♪
[ Applause ]
Here's another one, A Tesla...
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter, oohs, and applause ]
[ Indistinct ]
And, finally, if you take...
There you go. That's all the time we have -Oh!
[ Laughter and applause ] for "Popular Mathematics".