- Some of the best marriages I know
are not sexually exclusive
and they don't buy into the monogamous
mass-formation psychosis that says,
'You have to be sexually exclusive or else
the love isn't real.'
I'm Geoffrey Miller, and my heretical idea is that
open and polyamorous relationships can actually work.
- Radicals, dissidents, rebels and misfits.
You can call them whatever you like.
But, what if they're right?
- I'm an evolutionary psychology professor
at University of New Mexico.
The idea that currently interests me the most is
the concept of polyamory and open relationships.
And I'm also interested in
what can monogamous people learn
from the people who are doing these kinds of
polyamorous relationships.
You know, a lot of society is very focused on a kind of
monogamous view of relationships,
that, if you love someone,
you should be sexually exclusive with them.
The stereotype of the 1950s nuclear family marriage
is really relatively recent.
Marriage has always been an evolving institution.
It was largely a kind of
reproductive and economic institution up until
a few hundred years ago.
And then in the 1700s,
you got the rise of companionate marriage,
where there's genuine affection
and emotional bonds in the marriage.
But we're still very conflicted as a society about, you know,
what should a good sexual relationship really look like.
- If someone isn't interested in a polyamorous lifestyle,
what are the lessons that they can draw
from people who are involved in them?
- One of the things that even monogamous couples
could learn from polyamorous couples
is the importance of being clear
about what would constitute cheating.
What is cheating?
A lot of married couples sort of think,
'Well, having sex with someone else
is obviously cheating.'
But they don't really discuss things like,
if you have a crush on a coworker,
if you flirt with someone, if you watch porn,
if you're still in touch with an ex on social media—
is that cheating?
I think for anybody who's young and married
or in a serious relationship now,
the importance of defining what is cheating
is especially salient and crucial,
given changes in technology.
If you have a crush on a particular celebrity,
it will be easy soon,
you know, to make
high-resolution immersive VR porn that depicts
that celebrity having sex with you.
It's going to be affordable. It's going to be easy.
You'll be able to have technologically supported
sexual fantasies of any sort that you want.
What's within the bounds of the relationship,
and have a clear and conscious
and honest discussion about that.
So I've got nothing against monogamy for most people,
but there are some people
who, for whom it doesn't work very well.
If you're a bisexual woman and you marry a man,
how do you have sex with women?
You're no longer bisexual.
So for some people, an open relationship
or a polyamorous relationship,
is really the only sustainable, viable, ethical way
to do a marriage.
So I think we need to kind of get used to the idea
of multiple kinds of marriages
working for different kinds of people.
I don't expect everyone
to adopt a lot of these practices.
They're not right for everybody.
But I think at the moment the public debate about sex
and relationships and reproductive policy is
incredibly narrow and incredibly boring,
and does not reflect the whole diversity of stuff that people do.
How is traditional, monogamous marriage
gonna deal with the fact
that technology can actualize
any sexual preference you have
and customize it and make it real and compelling?
Maybe some marriages will say, 'You're not allowed to do
any of that metaverse shit.
You can't do that. It's not allowed.'
But, I don't think that's going to be viable.
It's just going to push all of this under the radar.
So I think the technology is going to force
every monogamous couple, one way or another,
to be more open and honest about
their fantasies and their sexuality and their desires.
And, I think it would be helpful for us to be kind of
prepared for it and braced for it and ready for it,
before the technology blindsides us
and creates, like, a massive cultural crisis around marriage
that makes the 1960s revolution in sex
look like child's play.
- Interview with Geoffrey Miller,
take one.
- If I'm walking down the street with my wife,
she'll usually notice an attractive woman or man
on the street and kind of elbow me and go,
"Look, look at that."
- That's great.