- Are you doing battle with a narcissist?
Maybe you're getting a divorce from them,
maybe you're dissolving a business relationship,
maybe it's just trying to get them
the hell out of your life.
You know, a neighbor, a family member, whoever it is,
stay tuned to find out
five ways to beat them at their own game
and preserve your sanity along the way.
(upbeat music)
Hi, I'm Rebecca Zung, Top 1% divorce attorney
and the best selling author of the books
"Negotiate Like You M.A.T.T.E.R."
and "Breaking Free: A Step-By-Step Divorce Guide",
and I've helped thousands of people
just like you in my law practice
go from lives of drama, trauma and chaos
to step into lives of freedom, possibility and purpose.
And I give you all my secrets, tips and tricks,
right here in these videos.
So make sure
you hit that subscribe button,
hit that little notification bell,
so that you can be notified
every single time I upload a brand new video.
So, if you're dealing with a narcissist,
be it a covert narcissist, a grandiose narcissist
or a malignant narcissist,
they engage in all kinds of behaviors,
even while you are just in a relationship with them.
They're gaslighting you, they're lying to you,
they're manipulating you.
Perhaps even being abusive,
more than likely they're being abusive.
Some are sneakier at it than others.
Covert narcissists, in particular, are very sneaky at it,
and so if you are dealing with a covert narcissist,
I have several videos on covert narcissists
including "Why Covert Narcissists Are Dangerous",
and "The Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist",
and you're gonna wanna check out those videos for sure
if you're dealing with covert narcissist.
But whatever kind of narcissist you're dealing with,
they are being their narcissist selves
the entire time that you're in a relationship with them.
So, there are three phases to a narcissistic relationship:
it's love bombing, devaluing and discarding.
And remember that
the phases of the relationship
don't actually happen in a linear fashion.
They happen at the same time sometimes.
They can be devaluing you while they're love bombing you.
And in fact, there was a study done
by a psychologist with monkeys that showed
that if monkeys were given a reward
for doing something good every single time,
nothing happened in their brain.
But if they were only given a reward intermittently,
variably, where the monkeys couldn't predict
when they were going to get this reward,
the dopamine levels in their brain actually rose
to the level of someone on cocaine.
And that's what happens
with a relationship with narcissists.
They go back and forth,
the narcissists go back and forth
between love bombing and devaluing,
and love bombing and devaluing,
and so you are left with almost being addicted to,
in a physiological way,
to wanting their praise.
To wanting that love bomb
because they start out so charming.
And they really try to set themselves up
to be the perfect person for you
and hold out all these things that they're gonna do for you,
or even do things for you right at that time.
I mean, if you've ever watched the "Dirty John" mini series,
you recall that that guy was just setting himself up
to be perfect for this successful single business woman.
He was getting her dry cleaning
and making smoothies for her in the morning
and all these things.
At the same time that he was isolating her
from her family and turning people against her.
So, they go through these phases of the relationship.
So, what happens
when you are doing battle with a narcissist
is they just become that same person
but on steroids.
So, it's so much worse.
They turn up the heat.
Because unfortunately for narcissists,
you're either for them or you're against them.
They need an endless amount of supply
and if you are cutting off that supply to them,
then they just see you as the enemy.
For those of you who watch my videos on a regular basis,
you know that I've had to work
two covert narcissists out of my life
and it was not an easy thing.
It wasn't husbands but it was people that were close to me
and close enough to do serious damage
and cause lots and lots of trauma.
You know, I'm telling you that if it can happen to me,
it can happen to anyone.
Narcissists have a symbiotic relationship with empaths.
And narcissists see that empaths
have the qualities that they want.
And empaths, you know,
we just think that we can love everybody back to health
and, you know, that we have enough love to give
and it just ends up being this black hole.
And so, they literally, they're often called energy vampires
or leaches or parasites or whatever
but they do, they literally suck the life out of you
and it's almost like death by a thousand cuts.
And so, when you go to do battle with a narcissist,
they're literally...
Turning up the heat because now, you're the enemy.
Now you no longer have any value for them
so there no, like a reasonable person,
those of us who are in reasonable land, we think,
oh, we can just walk away and wish each other well
and we'll come up with an agreement that's reasonable,
and hey, the law provides for certain things,
depending on what kind of battle
you're doing with a narcissist.
But you can't, that's not how it goes with a narcissist.
So, if you're getting ready to do battle
or you're in the trenches of doing battle with a narcissist,
there are a few things that you can do
to beat them at their own game
and preserve your own sanity along the way.
The first thing is, don't allow them to disrespect you.
When you allow them to disrespect you,
you're basically giving them permission to do that.
And they know how to push your buttons.
Let me tell you, I mean especially if you've been
in a long-term relationship with this person,
they've studied you,
they know exactly what your weaknesses are
and so that's where they're gonna go.
They're going right there
to try to make you look as bad as possible.
Everything you say or do is going to be turned against you,
used against you, twisted, manipulated so.
What you're gonna hafta do
is just maintain your own level of dignity,
maintain your own level of respect
and demand respect from them.
If they are screaming, yelling, trying to talk to you
in a way that's overly emotional,
and they're not in control,
they want you to be out of control too.
Because they get supply, they get narcissistic supply
by seeing you squirm.
So by just maintaining that,
hey, we're not gonna have this conversation.
You're not being respectful to me,
this is not productive, we'll have this conversation
when you can be respectful to me.
Same thing if they are lighting you up in text messages
or lighting you up in emails
and saying all sorts of disrespectful things,
you can just simply respond and say,
I disagree with what you're saying.
Please do not speak to me that way,
it is disrespectful and, you know,
and then respond to the parts of it
that you might have to respond to like
what time are you picking up the kids
or something like that.
But other than that, you're not going to get
into the trenches with them and sling that same sort of mud.
You're gonna demand respect from them
and you're gonna condition them
that this is how it's gonna go.
If they want you to interact with them,
they're gonna hafta respect you.
And it's gonna drive them insane when you do that.
Believe me.
Okay, the next thing that you can do is document,
document, document.
And we cannot say this enough.
Those of us who are in this field and professionals
in this area.
You just never know
what's going to end up being your leverage
and when you're dealing with narcissists,
you have to have a super strong strategy
and you have to be able to create leverage.
I often hear people ask me,
what is leverage?
What does that look like?
And leverage can be a smoking gun
like the one thing that for sure the narcissist
doesn't want anyone to know.
Or it can be something like that the narcissist
is more motivated to resolve your differences than you are
or it can be an accumulation of things.
It can be, you know, 15 different text messages
that show that they're a liar.
And you create an exhibit that shows that.
It could be that they didn't show up
for picking up the kids on time 20 times in a row
or they changed the schedule every single time
that they were supposed to take the kids or whatever.
But it could be any accumulations of those things.
And so it's really really important
to do that documentation, even if it seems mundane.
Just keep the app open on your phone,
the notes app or there's apps where you can actually,
they pay to have the documentation feature, whatever.
Basically, you just don't really know
what's going to be the pattern
that you're gonna be able to bring out
or what's going to be that leverage.
And for sure the leverage is always going to be around
what is their biggest motivation,
which is, the one thing they don't want to come out.
It's gonna be around their ego,
because the thing about narcissists is
they're just always in this mode of self-preservation.
They're actually very easy to figure out
and narcissists are the most afraid,
most scared little personalities on the planet.
They have fragile egos
because they have no sense of inner value.
All of their value comes from the external.
So, when you are looking at your documentation
and figuring out what your leverage is,
you're gonna wanna think about
what is their biggest motivation?
What is it that they really don't want brought out?
And what is it that's gonna make them look bad
because narcissist do not want to look bad
especially in front of people that they really respect.
So if somebody's involved that they really respect,
such as a mediator or other lawyers or the judge,
especially the judge, they're not gonna wanna look bad
so document, document, document everything, okay?
You never know when you're gonna need it.
If this is all sounding really good to you so far and you
are so ready to start doing the things
that I'm telling you to do,
give me an amen
in the comments.
Okay, the third thing that you can do
is figure out what kind of narcissist you're dealing with
and understand what behaviors each one engages in.
So, some of it is similar.
All narcissists engage in certain types of behaviors
like gaslighting and manipulation
but they do it in subtly different ways
depending on the type of narcissist
that you're dealing with, whether it's covert,
malignant or grandiose.
And you will want to brush up on
the different types of narcissist
so that you can figure out what kind you're dealing with
and then find out what behaviors they engage in.
And once you do that, then you will expect it.
you're gonna go, oh, there's that person
being that covert narcy self, that's what they do.
And you won't take it as personally
because you'll just understand that
that's the way they act, okay?
So the third thing you can do is
figure out what kind of narcissist you're dealing with
brush up on the types of behaviors
associated with each narcissist
and then expect them to act like themselves.
They don't change, narcissists do not change.
They can pretend like they know.
I mean, they're very good at pretending.
They do know what good behavior looks like,
that's how they were able to rope you in in the first place
and that's how they parade around the world
and get people to think that they're so great.
Especially covert narcissists are really,
really good at that.
But, you're gonna wanna figure out
what kind you're dealing with surprised
when they just act like themselves.
Okay the fourth thing is when you are getting ready
to ask for something from the narcissist,
you're gonna wanna ask for way more
than what you actually want.
The narcissist is going to wanna feel like they beat you
like they got to you because they get supply from that.
Their egos won't allow you to win,
at least on paper.
So if you are ready to just give them a certain amount,
give away a certain amount that you control,
that you decide ahead of time,
I'm gonna be willing to take this much
or I'll be willing to give up this thing.
But act like it's like the one thing
you definitely don't wanna give up.
Because if there's something that super important to you,
then that's the one thing that they're gonna wanna make sure
that you don't get.
So you're kinda playing a game here,
and I call it ethically manipulating the manipulator.
But basically, you're gonna wanna give them
certain things that you kinda decided ahead of time
that you were willing to give.
And then,
work back to what you actually want.
And then, when you get there,
you have to act like,
oh my god I can't believe I had to give up so much
and this is just awful.
Oh you really took advantage of me and whatever.
But you can just go home and smile
and pour your champagne or whatever
and do it in the privacy of your own home
after you've won the things that you wanted.
And number five, the last one is,
I take it from like this old commercial,
never let 'em see you sweat.
Really, you never wanna let them see you sweat,
cry, get emotional, lose control,
then they get supply from that.
If you need to, you know, cry in the bathroom
and then come back out, splash water on your face,
you know, if you wear makeup and you're a female,
whatever, put makeup back on.
If you're a guy, just splash water in your face,
comb your hair, whatever you need to do
to just maintain control
and never let them see that they are getting under your skin
because as soon as they see that,
then they know they have you.
If you know you're gonna hafta interact with them,
you know, and let's say it's a school meeting
or it's a mediation or something like that,
don't get there too early.
Get there on time.
Don't give them opportunities to grab you
and try to manipulate you
because that's when they'll start
to get under your skin again.
Remember what I said at the beginning,
these narcissists, they know how to push your buttons.
So never let 'em see you sweat.
All right?
So, if you are getting ready
to negotiate with a narcissist,
make sure you grab my "Crush My Negotiation"
prep worksheet,
it is below.
It's actually a workbook.
It's actually a booklet, an ebook.
It's totally free and you will not wanna go into a mediation
or any kind of dispute resolution conversation
without that in your hand and have filled that out.
So make sure you grab that.
If you are dealing with a narcissist
and you want more support and you wanna connect with others
in a private, safe way, I have a free Facebook group.
It's called narcissist negotiators.
Just click the link below
and join that.
You have to answer a couple of questions
because we do wanna make sure that we're only allowing
people in who are dealing with narcissists.
And if you like this video, give it a like,
give it a share, drop me a comment.
Let me know that you were here.
And make that you hit subscribe,
hit that notification bell
so that you can be notified every time I upload
a brand new video.
I'm Rebecca Zung, Top 1% divorce attorney
and I'm so glad that you were here
and stopped by my channel today.
And remember, that today is a great day
to start negotiating your best life.
I'll see you in the next video.
(upbeat music).