if you don't know what Staten Island is
it's like New York's abortion that live
just shitty place now there's good
people everywhere but like not instead
Island
what's up adults they do any good I uh I
just dropped out of college man yeah I I
dropped out because I was dorming and uh
I didn't like dorming that's it I I
didn't speak to any of my roommates and
I think it's because like the first
morning we all woke up with a boner and
we were like this isn't for any of us
one time we ran out of toilet paper and
we just didn't get any but everybody
took a every day and nobody knew
what they used it was like this Don't
Ask Don't Tell policy that we had one
time a roommate came out of the bathroom
one sock I was like we need toilet
paper oh he's getting real I have no
game with women because I went to an
all-boy Catholic school which is like an
educational block oh it's not
very fun
here's something that you've never
happened in an all-boys school don't get
an erection there's no excuse for that
at all it just shouldn't happen cuz
there's priests there and priests are
like sharks when you get a cut in the
water
I got my priest to stop hitting on me
though it was easy I introduced him to
my little brother I got an A I'm a
pothead in prayer you could tell yeah I
I smoked week as the commercials against
it suck like the sick the cigarette
commercials are good they're good the
lady has no fingers I'm like now I need
those how am I gonna smoke we would know
fingers there's certain things I can't
do when I'm high I figured this out
recently I can't play call of duty
because I'm afraid of dying soon as the
game starts I just to hide behind a rock
I'm like you guys go I'm gonna listen to
these fifth graders call me a homo the
next 32 minutes all my friends are black
if you can't tell by my sneakers Jordans
you ever have a black guy compliment
your sneakers you're like oh wow these
must be cool if a white guy complements
my sneakers I'm like I'm gonna throw
these out well I look like I'm a kid
coming
I'm from Staten Island I'm sorry
everybody know what's that island is
it's uh it's like New York's abortion
that lived by your truth it's this awful
place where dreams die and I'm from
there like the only good thing we have
are women's sex offenders I think that's
awesome it's actually why I still live
there
if I turn on fox news and the guys like
woman rapes three kids it is 13 to 17 in
the woods I like mom I'm going camping
you got that Boy Scout outfit from third
grade it won't fit you that's the point
yeah guys I'm very depressed everybody I
am I just turned 20 and it's over it's
done I just moved out of my mom's house
and I've realized something I'm gonna
die I'm not I thought about it
I'm six-three
I'm 140 pounds I have a problem with
wind my friends like you want to go out
and like you gotta check the forecast
first he'll lose a friend when I used to
live with my mom I just thought she was
annoying I thought she was annoying and
she blocked my masturbation time
because she was the room next door so
every time I would get it going I would
like hear sneeze and or throw off my
timing and I'm like I can't finish now
mommy's sick
she might need these tissues I miss
living at my mom's house when he's
little my mom's house I used to be able
to jerk off of my bed and then the next
day it will be gone now I live on my own
just stays there it's not going anywhere
till I move I don't have the same fears
I do now though jerking off by myself
then when I live in my mom's house
because I used to jerk off in my mom's
bathroom you know because it smelled
nice and it was lotion and I just
realized now I was jerking off to my mom
sent so that's fine
just hit me no but it was my biggest
fear because I used to jerk off in her
bathroom all the time and sometimes I
would finish on the toilet seat and my
biggest fear is that one day she would
just sit on it and get pregnant
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every day I would clean my bathroom my
mom had no idea what's going on she was
just like you're such a good boy and if
I give no idea what are trying to
prevent right now I had to move out I
had to move out of my mom's house it got
really weird she bought me condoms and
it's fine if your mom and you want to
buy you some condoms it's just a way to
do it you know if you want to get your
son condoms just get him and leave him
in his room
don't tell him he'll find him that's the
way that's not what my mom did my mom
did something really weird he was really
weird I was still staying at her house
at the time
and it was like 11:30 at night and she
just barged in she didn't text knock
just barged in and she was just like I
got something for you and I was like
this is weird and I swear to God I
turned on my license and she does she
has chat up behind her back and she
pulls out a 40 pack and I swear to god
this done she goes I got every
kind for my baby boy and then she winked
at me and I was like you give him the
weirdest vibe I have ever
received
I know you're single I'm not the guy I
think it's time to move out it's really
weird
and she got me the 40 pack I wanted to
be like who do you think his son is I
didn't even get to use him I just opened
all of them and left them around their
house so she would find him and think I
was cool hey she found me unless
you called me she's like I found another
condom my gig it did that's your boy I
used to get bullied cuz I wanted to be a
rapper in high school I wanted to be a
rapper and my name would be a VIP that's
kind of dope right
no it's kind of good it's kind of a joke
man it's kind of a dope ring you could
agree it's a good name but I always used
to listen to hip-hop never had friends
so you should just hang out listen to
hip-hop cuz it would be motivating and
hip-hop makes you feel good about
yourself but the weird thing would be
like my friends are all in mid thirties
early forties so like they like a
different type of hip-hop like they love
biggie in the way I like biggie to but
the way that all right relax
yeah he's not here obviously
yeah I know that wasn't easy but you
threw it up and I dumped it so I
thought of it how's that um anyway no
but when my older friends talk about
biggie like they talk about him like
delay notorious
you know like they feel what they feel
it they like been the best they're like
if he was alive today he would have been
the best you know it's so sad that he
died and I always try to make them feel
better because I feel for them and I'm
like it's probably better that he died
back then then like now of like natural
causes you know yeah it's better he got
shot then it'd be like a burger that
took biggie damn big he died on Crenshaw
what happened
burger burger my favorite rapper is
Coolio
I love Coolio yeah he's still alive you
know he's been alive forever and he's a
cook so you know he's healthy he's not
going anywhere he's a reliable guy to
love oh my god I never wake up like
who's helping the Coolio yeah I mean I
know he's out there somewhere
love Coolio he's the man first
time I ever heard gangsta's paradise was
in a movie yeah right most of you
probably know the songs of Dangerous
Minds I wasn't alive when that was a
thing I know you from pain again the
weight lifting Michael Bay movie so and
another reason why I love listening the
Ganges paradise is there's no n words in
it so like I could sing it drunk and not
like up you know I mean it's like I
could sing it confidently all the way
through no matter where I am I know
the world I grew up in Staten Island and
when you grow up in Staten Island you're
just probably gonna be a construction
worker that beats his wife like you know
like that's it's like the best you can
do you know so I would listen to
gangsta's paradise and it would make you
know like maybe I can get out of Staten
Island well do some 9/11 jokes and we'll
get the out of here how's that
sound it's hard to transition into
anything I don't have I don't know if
you noticed anything about my comedy but
this Stephanie transitions it's very
like dick dad like it's like very
straightforward
easy-listening comedy like you know it's
not the Kendrick Lamar I'm very French
Montana of comedy like after every joke
I should just be like ah I get it so
yeah my dad if you don't know he was a
fireman he died 9/11 he's very good dude
and I have a lot of jokes about it and
if you don't like the first one you
probably won't like the rest
what's cool about your dad dying on 9/11
is I get all this fireman gear so
whenever I smoke weed in New York City
I wear it yeah so now people just think
I'm a shitty fireman but I'll be so high
I'll forget when people come on to me be
like you're a disgrace and I'm
like you're a disgrace I'm like
oh I'm a lieutenant I forgot I'm
very sorry have a good day ma'am I
didn't really care what my dad died it
did it bothered me very much
because I was seven you don't understand
things when you're sent you know if it
happened now I'd be in a world of
trouble but I'm actually it's weird to
say that so Milwaukee had happened when
I was seven I know it sounds weird but
it's a it's the real thing
like my remember my dad died and my mom
was like your dad's dead but we got you
a Playstation 2 when I was like yeah
cool I was like that seems about even
that's pretty fair I'm serious I really
didn't care house I'm gonna push my mom
down the stairs to get a ps3 I was
ridiculous
it's my new wife of murder and toys
what's weird is my grandma on my mom's
side my mom's mom she her birthday's on
9/11 and she never liked my dad
kind of fishy isn't it I always wanted
to ask her I always wanted to be like
hey grandma on the low did you make any
wishes I want to get a tattoo I want to
get my dad's initials it's a very like
Italian Staten Island thing to do
I feel like Italian people are almost
like waiting for someone in their family
to die so there you go get a tattoo
I'm serious you ever been in like an
Italian funeral awake and the son of
whoever died I was like the prayer card
going down their side you know how the
did you do that already
and it's like healed
I am I want to get my dad's initials you
know I want to get it tattooed on me it
feel like he'll be very cool but I found
out recently I can I don't know why I
never noticed it I guess I just never
pay attention but my dad's initials are
SMD yeah that's why we named a special
SMD but SMD also has other meanings like
for instance suck my dick that's the
more popular meaning believe it or not
so my friends are like you can't get
that tattoo because people will think
you're an you know and I agree
I'm like you're right I shouldn't but
then I thought about it I was like I
should I was like I could only win I was
like if someone has the balls to bring
it up to me oh I win like so fast like I
will never lose it's so dope think about
that I'll have it on my neck
having a good time girls come up to me
and they're like you're a pig
all I gotta do is be like
actually it's fight that dad's initials
and then they'll feel so bad they'll
probably suck my dick
hey guys you've been amazing thank you
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