Happy Friday.
Are you excited for the weekend?
[CHEERING]
A simple nod of the head would have done, but that's OK.
So strange-- I don't know what it is,
but I feel like I already know you.
I feel like-- and I'm sure you feel like you already know me.
So I'm going to put you to the test.
There's a game.
You know the game, two truths and a lie?
This is not like that.
We're going to play something totally different.
And it's called two lies and a truth.
So I'm going to tell you three facts about me.
One of them is true-- only one.
And then you have to guess which one it is.
OK, one-- listen carefully, because I'm going
to pick one of you to guess.
Once I worked a coat check at a burlesque club in New Orleans.
Once I starred in a Popeye's chicken commercial.
Once I made out with Tommy Lee Jones.
All right.
The woman-- yeah, with your hand on your chest with the red,
right there in the glasses.
Yeah, all right.
Did you listen to all three.
I did.
All right.
And they're right here, in case you want to read them, too.
Oh my goodness.
Which one do you think is the truth?
Number three.
Have you followed my career?
All right.
Well, that's not true.
That's not right.
No, the truth of it is I once-- what do you all think?
One!
Two.
One!
Yeah, yeah.
Yes, the majority of you saying one are wrong.
And the people that said number two is right--
[DING]
Unfortunately, we have proof.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Summer jugs from Popeye's.
I was very surprised.
I can't stand it.
I've got to have it.
(SINGING) Summer jugs from Popeye's.
But the summer jug special and get free refills
all summer long.
(SINGING) Fill them again and again and again.
Free refills with qualifying purchase.
(SINGING) Summer jugs from Popeye's.
Buy your summer jug and get free refills all summer long.
(SINGING) Love that chicken from Popeye's.
It's wonderful.
It's just-- gah, it's crazy!
[CHEERING]
Yep.
That's the beginning, right there.
I wish I kept that job.
I could have been selling those sandwiches on eBay.
All right, let's do another round.
Here we go.
I'm allergic to papayas.
I took a man to the Emmys as my date.
I entered an Ellen DeGeneres lookalike contest and I lost.
All right, sir, right there.
Sir?
I'm looking at you.
Yes.
You're next to the microphone.
Yes.
What do you think it is?
What's the truth?
It would have to be number three because that would be so funny.
It would be funny.
I believe it to be true.
Is it?
The way you say it makes me want it to be true.
I believe it to be true.
First of all, I don't know if they have Ellen DeGeneres
lookalike contests.
But that would be funny.
No, that is not correct.
What's the guess for everybody else?
Two!
One.
It is number two.
I took a man to the Emmys as my date.
[DING]
Jonathon Schaech was my date, right here.
Here's proof.
Aw.
I know it.
Should've won an Emmy for that.
[APPLAUSE]
Look at that.
Look at the way we're looking at each other.
All right, one more round--
when I was 22, I had a pet ferret named Ferret Fawcett.
Portia and I have tiny matching tattoos.
One of my old jobs involved loading containers
of white powder on boats.
All right, I'm going to go to this side now.
Well, you're raising your hand in the front row.
Yes.
What do you think it is?
What's the truth?
I think it's number one.
You think it's number one?
You're wrong.
Can I guess again?
Yes, guess again.
I want to say two.
You did just say it.
Then two.
That's a sneaky way of feeling me out.
Yeah, kind of.
When there's only two of them left--
like I'm an idiot.
So two.
Well?
So two.
You're saying two?
Yes.
No.
I don't have any tattoos.
I did-- I don't know if it was white powder,
but I did a thing for--
[DING]
I don't have any proof of this, but I did.
I helped load, like, supplies on boats that that came in.
And I don't-- I really don't know.
My-- all I know is I was really young
and I had to sit at a desk and take orders
of boats that were coming in.
And the name of my boss was Mr. Escobar.
That's all I know.