G'day, A.J. Mahari here on the subject of codependency so what
are eight signs that you may well
be a co-dependent difficulty making decisions
in relationships difficulty identifying your feelings
difficulty communicating in a relationship
valuing the approval of others more than you value yourself
really low self-esteem and a lack of self-trust to varying degrees
fear of abandonment core shame wounds unhealthy guilt feeling responsible for
others a very deep unconscious
need for the approval of others staying in any relationship type or any
situation wherein you either don't have your
boundaries identified strong enough boundaries for for the
situation for yourself or where somebody else is continually
way over limits and or boundaries whether you have established them or not
codependency due to what happens in people's childhoods
is a dysfunctional relationship within self and
to self and so people with codependency actually present a lot of full self
presentation as well but that doesn't mean that it
overlaps with the same core woundedness as bpd
or npd and the core woundedness of bp and pd are not
the same either the cost of staying in a relationship
for people with codependency if you're staying in a relationship
and or you're trying to make one work after the breakup or after breakup
several breakups person yelling and screaming at you being treated poorly
it's a lack of self-respect and a lack of self-esteem
rooted in childhood and the cost is you so a lot of people with
codependency don't know themselves well but it's not fair to say
that it's not reasonable to say they have no
identity i like people with other issues but there can be a compromised sense of
that identity in interpersonal relating more than
necessarily with what people do in work or their careers
so when you put yourself in harm's way feel over responsible
overly responsible for someone else codependency is rooted in childhood it
is very complex it is not the same for everybody and
people have it to codependency to varying degrees
enabling rescuing trying to fix people etc externalizing out
in a way from what happened in your childhood
codependent patterns of relating in relationships are unhealthy patterns
also codependents often have this exaggerated sense of responsibility for
others and that on that also comes from
something in childhood so i think it's really
important to state here that codependency
is not the same for everybody everybody isn't the same degree
or having the same issues there's common core issues and challenges
yes but there are and there are many tools and techniques to help you
to cope with your codependency the pain and what happens to people with
codependency after relationships and breakups etc
there's no recovery from codependency in four to six months
six months two months four months there's no recovery
from codependency that one could say would be a hundred percent complete
over the course of a lifetime gets better and better and better there's
many things you can do many things you can change but you need
to get into a recovering healing journey working with somebody who knows this
territory and that how to help you someone like myself if i
resonate with you but to think that you can just deep
breathe or do meditations and you're going to be
fine no those can be tools and techniques
that might help you they are not recovery from codependency
in and of themselves there are many moving pieces to what
codependency recovery really is and it involves
really seeking professional help and other things can
support you other things can help you other sources of information might give
you some tips or some ideas or help you with some
awareness but there's no one size fits all one two
three step or one two three four or five step
process that's going to be the thing or the process it's going to help
everybody with codependency or really anybody
recover because it's a highly individual thing codependency in each person's life
and what happened to you in your childhood and how are you doing
with this and where are you at and how much pain are you in and are
you getting on top of it are you have you been in a healing recovery
process are you working with someone
these are the questions that people really need to look at in their lives
you want to heal codependency codependency is not just tied to cluster
b relationships by the way largely you know i talk about that other
people talk about that but the thing is it's not just that that
might be what triggers you know you back to
realizing like from your subconscious something rises up inside of you
that wounded inner child you may gain more awareness
from these type of relationships absolutely
but it's not like you can just be a codependent
on a person with bpd with a person with bpd in a relationship with them or
a person with npd no codependency is much broader
much more complicated with many more emotional
tentacles to it than that do not try to look for shortcuts or promise
guaranteed vast answers because because if it worked that way wouldn't
it would it doesn't work that way and i've been working with clients in
this area for over 30 years and it takes time and it is a process
and it is so important to not cheat yourself out of this process of
learning how to deal with all the moving pieces
that really are the makeup of why you have
such low self-esteem and self-worth of why you seek to rescue you
externalizing things you seek to rescue enable at the cost of yourself
while you're lacking crucial ego boundaries and other types of boundaries
why it's hard to say no why you need so much
approval which you may or may not be aware of
these are all more more deep seated issues from childhood so there's no such
thing as being a codependent just because
you're with a cluster b no you're codependent lots of people
with codependency aren't relationships with people cluster
b lots of people and most of the population you know i
mean older books even by melody b and others it you know really cite like
a statistic of about 95 of population is in one way or another
to one degree or another struggling with codependency
so please don't think this is something that you can really take care of on your
own please don't think that jumping into the
next relationship is going to make it all go away
look at what you've been denying in terms of what you feel
and what your childhood what may have happened in your childhood
well likely did happen to one degree it's not the same for everybody
so codependency recovery is a multi-faceted
reality takes a multifaceted approach by people like myself were expert in
helping people with this recovery process healing
journey and it's it's not something that you should
fool around with or just think that this quick fix or that quick fix is gonna
help you because that's just you then looking for a quick
fix for you like you're trying to fix somebody
in a relationship or somebody else or like you tried to
maybe rescue a parent or you are enabling a parent
and then you meet somebody whether they have cluster b
or not codependency is not just tied to that
people with codependency are not as ready as they believe they are
in more cases than not for mutuality and reciprocity because there's
abandonment fear there's like i said shame there's other
moving pieces of the woundedness of what codependency
is that if you intersect with somebody with bpd or npd of course that's going
to be the unhealthy bond you know quote fit unquote that isn't
really a fit at all it's not healthy but then it's going to
be at the cost of yourself and then people after these
relationships and in other other areas of their lives
with codependency continue to ruminate continue to
question themselves but not about what's going on like are
you questioning yourself what's going on for you
or is it always about that other person because
in childhood with the roots and seeds of codependency there is an inculcation
i'll make a programming but definitely operant conditioning
ghana muck where people learn this externalizing
process of putting self last to help
other which is often apparent because it's about survival and anything that
goes that deep in its woundedness and it's to varying degrees for people
is not going to be helped by guided imagery it might help
you to relax or calm down it's not the solution
it's not what recovery from codependency is going to require from you on the
journey but i would just say really it's
important to realize that that codependency well they're starting to
look at the american pseudoscience of psychiatry in a sense
of how can they fuse it with other things
which isn't a positive thing for people but
it is its own relational difficulty and challenge and many people have a lot
of denial about that and with that and feel like
somehow if you are codependent or if you come to
realize this or taking on that labels you know taking on
a label but the issues of what's really
codependency when you have those it's really
important to take a look at that and become more aware of
it and realize that your next first choice has to be
to work with someone who knows what they're doing to help you recover
because it's multi-layered multifaceted and people don't just recover from
cluster b relationships with codependency in four
months or six months and if anyone's claiming that well hey
it's a little bit suspect because it doesn't happen like that
and then there's no rationality to someone saying to you that well
because like they miraculously recovered from codependency
really quick or something and then if you want what they have
whatever that might mean that you need to do what they say
because you know that that to me sounds like
really indoctrinating exploitation of people with codependence because
you're already in this vulnerable place of
externalizing things out not knowing how you feel or people are
at various different places with this and then somebody comes along and says
but you know i totally did this in such a short time
and i cannot be that you got to do it the way i say
no it's not healthy so think about it people with codependency are likely to
sometimes make really grievous errors in this
area of like looking for an easy solution
looking for somebody who's got a fast promise codependency
is not simple codependency is is multifaceted multi-layered
and yes it is a journey that involves some pain
and some grief and a lot of learning and a lot of building skills
building tools coping techniques you know increasing your emotional
intelligence building up resiliency a lot of things
that really are only housed in the kind of
help that people who are expert in this area
really give so look for the expertise look for the long history of work look
for established consistent
lived experience when people are coming from that place
and not fly by night flash in the pans everything happened real quick and i got
over this real fast and people that are coming from an
exploitative rather special sort of induced
you know they have their own agenda and they have their own reason
for the promises the fact that it's not going
to be something you're going to get find an easy fix for
and know that it's time to put you first it's time to invest in your recovery and
healing process emotionally and yes working with
somebody so there's a financial investment to that
but hey you are worth that but don't misplace
your financial investment with somebody who's promising you really
quick fixes and like if you do this that or the
other thing ah you're gonna just find recovery all
of a sudden because i mean it's simple simply
the only way to put it is it's exploitation
and can people's codependency be a little bit more exploited
than or people that are let me put it this way people with codependency who
have not been in any healing recovery journey versus people who are
way far down the road in their codependency built boundaries done a lot
of work inner child healing the
self-differentiation the family of origin work etc
and there's more to it than that so be careful
out there and just know whether there was a simple way for you
to go from being a codependent and maybe having been or
still being in a very painful relationship with
somebody with bpd or npd or other types of people or another
person with codependency whatever the case or maybe not feeling
worthy enough to be in a relationship people are different but so please no
there's no quick fix but it doesn't take forever either but
then i would say that recovery from codependency
yes you can establish a lot of recovery you can change
immensely and grow and learn a whole bunch of things and
and and through the through the things i mentioned already
to how i work with clients but it's not a 100
thing like then you're just gonna be fine
because because we have to still be careful
because we get around somebody who's unhealthy again
in any way shape or form it can be a little bit tricky but yes
we can get on solid ground of recovery that makes a world of difference so i'm
gonna have lots more coming on this codependency recovery work is serious
business and it takes quite a while and and there are many different facets
of the process not just one or two or three or four or
five and you really owe it to yourself to
invest in this journey for yourself
and not some quick fix sort of like guaranteed solution because i'll tell
you one thing when i work with clients when i talk
about working with clients i'm not here to say i can guarantee you
anything why because i know what i'm doing
and i've got 30 years plus experience in working with people codependency and
other things but it's the partnering
it's the journey it's when people work with me for example
i'm working hard with them i'm helping to educate
helping them see things listening to them helping them to
you know asking questions helping them to explore giving them homework and
tools and skills to work on etc it's not me saying well blah blah
and then all of a sudden you're hearing me covered because
what's missing in this kind of a narrative
hey just do these things or watch general videos and you can recover from
codependency no because it's highly individual and it
matters who you are as an individual and what is
the context of what happened in your childhood
what is the context of your experience in relationships
in your adulthood and you're going to find your best recovery
working with a professional who knows what they're doing
because you have to be seen you have to be heard you have to learn
the process of this change in healing that does take time that is a growth
process and like i said multi-faceted it's just
not simplistic and nobody could anybody offering you a guarantee of
anything is being at the very least exploitative take care
you