- So today, let's talk about values
and how to know whether or not
you and your man's values align.
Because the last thing you wanna do is date someone,
and then later find out
that you don't want ultimately the same thing in life,
and then have wasted all that time investing in someone
that you're not gonna be with long term.
So today, I'm gonna share with you four things
that you can do early on to determine if your values align.
And the first thing is to have the right mindset.
And here's the perfect mindset to have,
and that is you want to scare off the wrong guy faster
to attract the right guy sooner.
Because the longer you spend with the wrong guy,
the more delayed the right guy
will be coming into your life, right?
'Cause that spot will be taken up by all your attention
with the guy that you're dating who's not a good fit.
So often, people are scared to ask the big,
most important questions early on in the dating process.
And so they wait and they build that connection
and they build the chemistry, and then they wait.
And then later, they ask the most important questions
only to find out, "Oh, he doesn't really want kids,"
or, "Oh, he never really wants to get married,"
or, "Oh, he would never move and live
in this area that you wanna live in."
And you realize, well, that's a deal breaker
for both of you, and so you split up
having wasted all of that time.
So this mindset is be willing to scare off the guy
that you're seeing if he's not a right fit for you.
Notice this, you cannot scare off a guy
who wants a relationship
by asking him if he wants a relationship.
You can't scare off a guy who wants kids one day
by asking him if one day he wants to have kids, right?
Who will that scare off?
It'll scare off the guy who doesn't want to have kids.
So you wanna scare off that guy faster
if you're the woman who wants kids.
So that's the first step, that's the first mindset to put on
is be willing to say good riddance to the wrong guy
to attract the right guy even faster.
The second thing you can do is early in the relationship,
ask him the magic wand question.
And if you've watched any of my videos before,
you may have heard me share this,
but it's a beautiful way to find out
what his vision for his life is.
And you wanna do this early on, like date one or date two,
where you kind of pause in the middle of the date,
and you say, "Hey, can I ask you
kind of a personal question?"
You've got a little smile on your face.
Be fun, be flirty with your energy during this question,
and it'll be a pattern to interrupt.
He'll say, "Oh, sure."
And you're like, "Hey, if I gave you a magic wand,
and you could create whatever you want for your love life,
like three years from now,
what does that look like for you?"
And then he'll share with you what he wants,
what his vision is, what he sees,
and you're looking for a man who's clear.
You're looking for a man who knows what he wants
and you're looking for a man
who wants the same things that you want.
Because I guarantee you, if you ask him that question,
he'll throw it to you.
He'll answer it first,
and then he'll say, "Well, what do you want?"
And this is the way you can find out, do your visions align?
Because visions are always an expression
of our greatest values.
The third thing that you can do
is literally ask him what his values are.
And there's some fun ways to do this.
One of the things that you can do
is you can say, "Hey, what are some of the values
that you have now that you didn't grow up with,
that your parents didn't infuse in you,
and that you had to rethink for your life?"
And that's a really interesting way to open up that topic.
Can you say, what are the values that you have
that you grew up with that you still embody now
that are most important to you?
I love that framing, because it makes it
a bit more interesting
than just simply saying,
"Hey, what are your top five values in life," right?
Another great way you can start
this values conversation is to say this.
You can say, "Hey, I don't really like small talk,
because that kind of just wastes our time.
So instead of small talk,
would you be up for some big talk?"
And he'll say, "Sure."
And you say, "Here's a question for you.
What would have to happen if you were on your deathbed,
what five things would you have to have accomplished
in your life so that as you're looking back at your life,
you can say, 'My life was a total success.'"
And when you ask that question,
it helps people put in perspective,
"Okay, I'm at the end of my life."
What really matters to them?
And they'll list the things
that my life would be a total success
if I found the love of my life
and I created a beautiful home together.
And we had kids, and I finally wrote that book,
or I finally gave back in a way that really mattered.
It's gonna be really revealing what his values are
by what answers he gives you to that question.
And the fourth thing that you can do, and of all of these,
this is the most important, and that is to pay attention
to how he behaves and how he invests his time and his money.
Because regardless of what he says his values are,
where his true values lie are where he invests
his two limited commodities, his time and his money.
If he tells you that faith is really important to him
or that his spiritual life is really important to him,
how is that showing up?
Does he pray before he eats?
Does he take time to do that?
Does he spend time, does he go to a church?
Does he have a community?
Does he have a men's Bible study that he goes to?
Does he spend time in nature connecting spiritually?
You can ask him,
and you say, "Oh, how do you practice your faith?"
"What are some of the activities you do
that feel really nurturing to you?"
If he tells you that one of his values is growth
and personal development,
ask him, "What are the books that you've read lately?"
I remember, I was interviewing someone
to take a marketing position at our company,
and this gentleman said, "I'm really into leadership
and I love leadership."
I'm like, "Oh, what are some of the best leadership books
you've read recently?"
And he was like, "Well, yeah, I can't really remember
the name of the book,
but there was this one book that I read..."
And I was thinking, this guy's not a student of leadership
if you can't even remember the name of a book that you read.
So when you ask him these questions, "Oh, what do you do?"
"How do you spend your time?"
"What are the names of the books that you've read?"
"What are the podcasts you listen to?"
The person who's congruent is gonna have answers to these.
The person who's living, what he's actually saying
is gonna be able to give you examples and stories,
and how it applies and where the growth is,
and then you wanna see that demonstrated over time.
And when you see these things,
you have a common vision for your life.
You're willing to scare away the wrong guy
to attract the right guy.
You're able to check out his values in terms
of what matters to him at the end of his life.
What are the values he has now
versus the values he grew up with?
And then ultimately seeing those values demonstrated,
those are four unmistakable ways for you to know
whether or not your values align.
So my question for you is, what are some things
that you've discovered that help you know
whether you and your man's values align?
Go ahead and post that in the comment section below.
That's gonna really help everyone who's watching these,
and check out what other people are writing,
'cause the comment section is so juicy with great insights.
I appreciate you.
Here's to your amazing love life.
Thanks so much for watching.
I'll see you soon.
(upbeat music)