- So this is my entire defense, uh,
is that if I were to burn my house down,
I guarantee you my husband would be in it.
There's no way I would go to all that trouble
and then have nothing to show for it.
[dark electronic music]
♪
[people screaming]
♪
- Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
I hope you're all having a wonderful day.
This is what's known as a robbery.
Do not move. Do not speak.
♪
[laughs]
♪
[cheers and applause]
You guys know her as the host
of "My Wife Hates Me" podcast,
that she hosts with her husband.
Please give it up for Ms. Bonnie McFarlane, everybody.
Let her hear it.
[cheers and applause]
- Four years ago, my house burned down to the ground.
I lost everything, and I fell into a depression so deep,
I didn't know if I would ever get out of it.
So naturally I thought this would be a funny story
to tell on television.
I--before I tell this story, though, I have to say,
there's a little bit of ongoing legal battle,
so--yeah, I'm being sued by some of the adjoining townhouses
and the entire townhouse association,
so my lawyer has strongly suggested that I begin
with a disclaimer, so I just want to make it really clear:
I did not willingly or negligently
burn my house down.
But if I did do it, this is how I would do it.
Um...
No, my husband wasn't home.
My husband was all the way across the country.
We live in-- in New Jersey,
and--yeah, I mean, you can make fun of it if you want,
but let me just say this:
at least once, may-- sometimes twice a day,
I'm the hottest person wherever I'm at.
So, something to think about.
[chuckles]
I've been here less than 24 hours.
I feel like shit.
Um...
So we're living in New Jersey.
My husband's all the way across the country.
He's performing stand-up across the country.
And I'm just home alone with my daughter
when my house burns down.
And so this is my entire defense, is that if I were to
burn my house down, I guarantee you my husband would be in it.
[laughter]
There's no way I would go to all that trouble
and then have nothing to show for it.
You know what I mean?
So it's just my dau--I would never endanger my daughter.
She's my world. She's my everything.
She's, like, five or eight or something like that.
And--no, I love her so much on the weekends.
Um...
No, if something bad, I mean, happened,
I--I would just-- I would really miss her
around the big holidays.
So...
So my daughter and I are home.
At that time, she was about four years old,
and it was about 10:00 at night, and I put in a movie for her.
I know, if you're a parent, you're judging me right now.
It's like, isn't that a little late
for a four-year-old to start watching a movie?
It's like, we stayed up late,
you know, then we slept in, we got up late--
'cause at that time, my-- my daughter did not have a job.
Um...
So--let me just say this too.
We'd been smelling smoke since about 4:00 that afternoon
until about three weeks after the fire.
Uh, it really gets in.
Uh, it's pervasive.
So, I just--what am I gonna do?
I just was like, okay, fine.
I put in her movie.
"The Little Mermaid," which she loves.
She's seen that movie so much. She's seen that--
she's watched that movie more times
than the guy who edited it.
And then I, next to her, uh,
on the bed, was--
this is the most embarrassing part of the story.
I was doing tarot cards. I'm not into that.
I'm not into the occult or anything.
I'm not--like, I've--I'm just--I'm a normal person.
Like, I've only done, like, maybe, like,
two vision boards in my life.
Like, I'm not that kind of person.
But, you know, as a parent-- parenting is, like,
very rewarding in small doses, and then there's
like, long stretches of "The Little Mermaid."
So, I was just totally focused on my future,
and then my daughter was like, "Mommy, look."
And the patio windows in my bedroom
were just completely awash in flames.
They were--it was so bright.
It was crazy that I didn't notice it,
'cause I was, like, so focused on my future.
Not my immediate future, but I was like,
looking ahead.
The thing--I know it's ironic.
Like, I'm looking at tarot cards while my house is burning
to the ground, but to be fair, you know, there's no, like,
"Hey, look to your left" card.
So my daughter was like, "Hey, we got to get out of here."
And I was like, oh, you're bossy.
And then I grab my phone, I run out.
You know, at some point I checked to see
if my daughter was with me--she was--
and as we're leaving,
we see my neighbor
walking up the steps to go to her unit,
but she's moving at a really-- like, she's moving so slow--
like she just ate a handful of valiums.
She's just, like, moving up, uh,
going up to her unit, and I go, hey, there's a fire.
She goes, "Yeah, I know.
I just called 911."
I was like, great, have fun up there.
Um...
So, spoiler alert, she makes it.
Um, she's one of the people suing me.
But, um, she--the-- her cats.
Uh, she had two cats. They didn't make it.
[sighs] Hey, I would've moved quicker
if I was her-- is that my fault?
That she was like...[groaning].
You know, let's get a move on.
Um...
So, I do feel bad--I mean, I felt about it, you know.
I'm--I'm a vegetarian. I get it.
I mean, I would never eat cats anyway,
but I mean, you know, you care.
So, I call my husband, and he was about to go onstage,
and I was like, oh, my God, so I freaked out, and then
he freaked out, and then he realized there was nothing
he could do, so he was like, "Well, I mean, I'm--got to--
I'm gonna go do my show."
Because that's how messed up comedians are.
They'll just go on, you know, just--
something bad happens, you just go do your show anyway.
You just go make people--like, I--I had a miscarriage
right before this, and I just compartmentalized.
I said, no, you go out there.
You deal with that later.
These people want to laugh. So, I do that for you.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome, and...
So, anyway--so, okay, so, uh, then--
oh, it was a five-alarm fire, which means
there was five different fire, uh,
units--stations--whatever-- houses were there--
which, I didn't know that's what "Five alarm" meant.
I just always thought it was a level of spiciness.
Um, so that was an interesting thing to learn.
And then we're standing across the street,
and we're just watching our house burn down to the ground,
and then my daughter, suddenly it dawns on her.
She's like, "Are my stuffed animals gonna make it?"
And I was like, no, honey, they're not.
And she just started bawling so hard.
I felt--it was heartbreaking, so I said,
I--I'll get you any...time--
we'll replace those stuffed animals.
Any time you want a stuffed animal,
I will get you a stuffed animal.
And then, cut to four years later, we have
what can only be described as a stuffed animal problem.
So then, after the house burned down,
the detective came out.
There was a guy who watched too much "Law & Order,"
you know, came over and started question--I mean,
I guess we've all watched too much "Law & Order."
I guess that's what unifies us as humans.
You know, we've just all seen too many "Law & Orders,"
but he was, like, really into it, and so then he
interrogated me for a while, and I was like,
hey, back off, Stabler.
You're getting a little excited.
And then I guess his working theory was that I'd been
smoking pot on my balcony,
'cause I guess the tarot cards--
people are like, "Why else would you do tarot cards?"
So he thought I was on my balcony smoking pot,
and then I just said to him,
You know how hard it is to keep a joint lit?
And then he was like, "Oh, right."
And so then I just-- I just got to go.
And they were like, "Okay, that's that, I guess."
So--but then I called my husband, and I was like,
"Well, you know, we've lost everything.
It's--it's over."
And my husband was at the airport at this time, you know.
He'd finished his show and everything.
And he said to me, "I just had the best show I've ever had."
[laughter]
So that was good. Some good came out of it.
And, uh, we didn't actually lose everything.
Uh, they just only recovered
the "Little Mermaid" DVD.
So, thank God we still have that.
You guys have been a lot of fun. Thank you very much.