The other day, I decided to look through my old email archives and do some digging to
try and determine what question was asked most often by my customers and coaching clients.
Turns out the most common thing people ask me is, “are you sure that the no contact
strategy will work for me?”
So, in this video, I’m going to answer that question….
I’ll tell you when it’s a BAD idea to ignore your ex, and help you decide whether
the no contact method is right for your specific situation.
My name is Brad Browning, by the way… I’m a breakup expert and relationship coach from
Vancouver Canada, and I’m also the author of a program called The Ex Factor Guide, which
teaches men and women how to win back an ex and start fresh with a new, healthier relationship.
Now, first of all, what is the “no contact” method?
It’s a common strategy that’s widely recommended by counselors and breakup experts, myself
included, that basically involves ignoring your ex completely for about 30 days after
your breakup.
The strategy is designed to help your ex let go of negative memories, latch on to happy
memories of your time together, and begin to miss you and realize how painful it is
when you’re no longer in their life.
I didn’t invent this no contact strategy, although I certainly think I’ve probably
helped popularize it, along with a few other relationship coaches… and the reason I’m
such a big advocate of this strategy is because IT WORKS.
There’s nothing you can do to speed up the process of winning your ex back, and time
is one of the best ways to make your ex second-guess their decision to break up.
Now, when does the no contact strategy become complicated and potentially challenging?
1.)
When it’s been many months since the breakup If you broke up with your ex a long time ago
-- say, 6 months or more -- then no contact may be less effective.
If you have been in regular contact with your ex during this time, then you should still
go through with 30 days of radio silence as soon as possible…
but if you’ve only spoken occasionally or haven’t talked to your ex at all for the
past few months, then you probably don’t need to do the full 30 days.
2.)
When you live with your ex This is a really common scenario…
your ex broke up with you, but you still live together or share a living space and simply
cannot avoid contact with your ex.
This is so common that I’ve included a whole section about it in my Ex Factor Guide program,
so if you’re facing this situation yourself, please consider grabbing a copy of the program
for more advice on handling your ex when you live together.
In summary, though, you should try to limit non-essential contact with your ex even when
you live together.
Don’t make it obvious by eating meals in the middle of the night and hiding behind
closed doors all the time -- you don’t want your ex to know you’re trying to avoid them
-- just try to avoid unnecessary encounters where you can.
And when you DO have to talk to your ex, it’s absolutely critical that you put on your ‘happy
face’ and act positive, upbeat, and friendly.
Don’t show your emotions, don’t get angry or sad or drag your ex into any drama or arguments…
just be friendly and polite, while looking for the first chance to escape and cut the
conversation short.
If necessary, tell your ex that you’re sorry but you can’t chat right now because you’ve
got plans with some friends, but you’ll catch up with them later.
Do this whenever possible and keep any conversations limited to small talk, inside jokes, and fun
topics..
nothing serious.
Always appear happy and make it look to your ex like you’re really embracing the freedom
of being single.
3.)
When you work or go to school together If you have to see your ex at work or school
regularly, use the exact same strategy that I just described for those who live with their
ex…. limit contact as much as possible for 30 days, keep any conversations friendly and
positive, and make sure your ex knows you’re doing well.
4.)
When you have children together If you and your ex have kids together, then
you simply won’t be able to avoid contact altogether.
Just try to limit communication to essential topics related to the kids… talk about who
will take the kids to school, how the dance recital went, when the dentist appointment
is, etc…. but make sure you do this with a smile on your face and a positive attitude.
Politely shut down any conversations not related to your kids or your home/finances that are
critical, and let your ex know that you’re not holding any hard feelings, you’re just
busy and can’t talk for long.
If you’re in this situation or you’re going through a divorce, please keep in mind
that you may never be able to fix things with your ex.
Often times you can still save your relationship even if you’ve got kids together, but it’s
usually a more difficult process with lower odds of success than in traditional or less
serious relationships
5.)
When your ex won’t stop talking to you If you’re trying to go through with the
30 days of no contact, but your ex keeps pestering you with text messages and phone calls, then
you may be wondering how ignoring them will help you win back your ex and start fresh
with them.
But, in this type of situation, no contact can often actually be MORE important….
you need your ex to know that you will NOT be available to provide emotional support
or keep them entertained while they get over the post-breakup heartache and loneliness.
Your ex must understand what they have to choose between being with you (in a romantic
relationship), or not having you in their life at all.
That seems harsh, I know, but when someone you loved and hung out with daily for months
or years suddenly vanishes from your life, the pain and loneliness can be overwhelming…
if your ex is sad enough and missing you badly enough, he or she needs to understand that
getting back together and giving your love a second chance is the best and quickest way
to stop the heartache.
That’s an especially appealing option if your ex understands that the alternative is
losing you completely.
Now, you want to ignore your ex for 30 days, but you can’t be rude or cause conflict
by repeatedly ignoring them.
If your ex sends a pointless message or calls for no real reason -- just to ‘chat’ or
‘see what’s up’ for instance -- then you don’t need to reply, beyond maybe saying
“sorry, can’t talk now, gotta run to meet a friend”.... but if they’re trying to
talk to you about something important… for instance, to collect an important belonging
that’s still at your house, or to sort out paying old utility bills… you should wait
a few hours and then reply with something polite, friendly, but brief and business-like.
Answer their questions without showing any heartache or emotion…
just be upbeat and friendly and keep the conversation as brief as possible.
Sometimes you may be confused as to why your ex still wants to talk with you so much…
maybe they’re even telling you that they miss you, that they’re sad without you around,
etc…
if your ex is sending these types of mixed messages, please spare 5 minutes to take the
free quiz on my website to help you determine what’s going on inside your ex’s head
and whether or not they want to get back together.
It’s completely free, just go to BreakupBrad.com/Quiz now or click the link in the description below
this video to take the quiz and figure out what your ex’s mixed messages mean.
Remember that, regardless of what situation you’re facing, the 30 day no contact period
is a time when YOU need to always be in control of any conversations with your ex.
That means being the one who decides WHEN a conversation will take place (for example,
by making them wait 4 hours for a call-back)..
HOW it will take place (by phone, text, in person, etc)...
WHAT the conversation topics will be... and WHEN the chat will end.
Just remember that you want to be the one who decides each of these things any time
you talk with them during the 30 day no contact period.
So, I’ve addressed five common issues you may face when considering whether the no contact
strategy is right for you… and although a couple of them required you to modify the
no contact method slightly to fit your scenario, it’s still a very effective strategy in
almost every case.
Unless you’ve got a VERY compelling reason why you think the no contact phase won’t
work for you -- and with nearly 10 years of breakup counseling experience, I have only
seen that type of situation a few times -- you should be using this strategy as soon as possible.
I promise that no matter how counter-intuitive it may seem, ignoring your ex after the breakup
is the best thing you can do in the first few weeks if you want to win them back and
enjoy a happy future together as a couple.
If you’re still confused about whether or not to use the no contact strategy, you can
leave a comment below this video or visit my website at www.BreakupBrad.com where you’ll
find my email address and a free full-length video on winning back your ex.
Finally, please take a second to “like” this video by hitting the thumbs up button
below, or subscribe to my YouTube channel for more breakup videos and advice.
Thanks for taking the time to watch this video, and best of luck in your efforts to start
over with your ex!