'You've been on the island too long so I come looking for you, perhaps you need help.'
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘Hang it in your ear baby, hang it in your ear.'
Last year we reviewed Raiders of Atlantis, which was a massive disappointment
'Can't move, we're immobilised'
and someone on Twitter, suggested Beyond Atlantis instead.
‘What’s the pitch?’
First impressions; this is shaping up as classic exploitation; shot in the Philippines in the 1970s.
Piranhas eat a guy…
Sid Haig gets a massage...
'Feast your eyes on this.'
This guy…
and of course…
But hang on, she’s still wearing a bikini.
The film was produced by and co-starred Dark Corners regular John Ashley,
who wanted to make a fantasy Treasure of Sierra Madre.
‘Beautiful’
About three men who plunder an Atlantean colony for its pearls and then fall out.
‘Nothing’s gonna stop me – not now’
They decided to push the boat out, comparatively, by casting Patrick Wayne.
‘I’ll be there when you’re ready to go’
Two problems; firstly, casting 2 dark haired men with glorious 70s perms,
then putting them into identical scuba gear, may cause confusion.
Secondly; Wayne was insistent this be a family movie, so it had to come in with a PG rating;
kid friendly, but with something for the Dads.
But changing it to PG seems to have mainly involved crossing out the word topless in the script.
‘You are mistaken’
While the dialogue...
‘I’m gonna buy a couple of buildings, get my broads off the corners’
remains unchanged, as does the plot.
‘When will you mate’
Part of which revolves around the need for Atlantean princess, and only blonde in the village,
Syrene to mate with one of the outsiders to stop the population becoming any more inbred than they already are,
'It is your destiny to mate with an outsider.'
and they are quite serious about this.
‘You will mate! You will mate!’
It maybe PG, but is it a family film?
And this causes more issues; Syrene has set her sights on Wayne, but he’s already fallen for scientist, Kathy.
‘Are you making a connection’
which doesn’t stop Syrene from some underwater seduction.
I don’t know how she expects this to work in a wet suit, but suddenly that’s the least of their problems.
Well good grief, you wanted her to mate, give ‘em some privacy.
What happened then?
‘All I can remember is diving and now being here’
Did Syrene get hers and leave? Did she give up trying to get the wet suit off? Did being netted kill the mood?
‘Oh this couple’s got problems’
You’d think we’d find out but this remains a mystery.
‘I’m just making a lot of guesses’
I can only assume they left it up in the air so the kids in the audience could think one thing, and the adults something else.
‘I’m afraid I’m gonna give you the wrong impression,’
Whichever way you cut it, this is 3 films, and weirdly, each is represented by one of the three lead males.
‘What are you talking about?’
Patrick Wayne is the hero of a Sunday afternoon fantasy adventure.
‘Incest’
Mostly. John Ashley is intensely channelling Humphrey Bogart
‘Come on, do it’
and Sid Haig is Sid Haig, representing exploitation.
'You go pop for papa'
And this schizophrenic approach continues to the end.
Relations sour between the Atlanteans and their greedy guests,
temples blown up.
Syrene killed…
civilisation doomed.
‘I destroyed my life too’
A sombre conclusion underscored by the inevitable loss of the pearls.
'No!'
All that death, for nothing.
#histerucal laughter#
Ha ha ha, we killed so many of them!
Thanks for watching. For more Filipino exploitation films click here.
As the title suggests this isn’t about Atlantis, the island is a colony Atlantean ex-pats,
So I'm still looking for my Atlantis movie put your suggestions in the comments below