♪ ♪ ♪ ( SNORING )
>> Stephen: OH, HEY.
I JUST HAD THE WEIRDEST DREAM.
I WAS FULLY CLOTHED.
ANYWAY, WELCOME BACK.
FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW EVERY NIGHT-- AND I HOPE YOU
DO-- YOU KNOW THAT LAST NIGHT, MY GUEST WAS NEW YORK SENATOR
CHUCK SCHUMER, SEEN HERE TRYING TO REMEMBER THE LAST PLACE HE
SAW HIS GLASSES.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHO ELSE WATCHED HIM ON "THE LATE SHOW?"
DONALD TRUMP.
TODAY, HE TALKED ABOUT IT ON THE RADIO SHOW OF CONSERVATIVE
COMMENTATOR AND LIVING CAN OF PROTEIN POWDER, DAN BONGINO.
AND-- SPOILER-- THE PRESIDENT WASN'T IMPRESSED WITH SCHUMER.
>> Stephen: OH, MY GOD!
DONALD TRUMP WATCHED MY INTERVIEW!
MR. PRESIDENT, I KNOW YOU MAY NOT HAVE LIKED SENATOR SCHUMER,
BUT YOU SHOULD CHECK OUT MY MONOLOGUE.
I SAY YOUR NAME A LOT.
YOU'RE KIND OF THE STAR-- IN THAT, YOU'RE SLOWLY EXPANDING TO
DESTROY ALL OF US.
WHO AM I KIDDING?
HE WASN'T THRILLED WITH ME, EITHER.
>> Stephen: MR. PRESIDENT, I HAVE SOME TERRIBLE NEWS.
AND IT'S NOT THAT JOHNNY'S DEAD.
IT'S THAT HE THOUGHT YOU WERE A JOKE, TOO.
>> DON'T WORRY ABOUT GENNIFER FLOWERS.
SHE GOT FIRED.
BUT SHE GOT A NEW JOB TODAY AS A DONALD TRUMP BACKUP MISTRESS.
>> Stephen: HELLO!
ALSO, I'LL TELL YOU HOW I MAKE MONEY.
I DON'T BANKRUPT MY CASINOS.
NOW, OF COURSE, I'M IN THE MEAT IN A TWITTER FIGHT SANDWICH,
BECAUSE TRUMP ALSO TWEETED ABOUT IT AND SCHUMER RESPONDED:
"I'M GLAD TO SEE PRESIDENT TRUMP IS WATCHING STEPHEN COLBERT.
MAYBE HE'LL LEARN SOMETHING."
I DO HAVE A LOT TO TEACH THE PRESIDENT.
FOR EXAMPLE, I ALSO RAN FOR PRESIDENT.
BUT UNLIKE TRUMP, I KNEW IT WAS A JOKE.