Ohai guys. Happy new year! Ish.
First video of 2019. Yeah, it's been awhile. I miss you guys.
I wanted to kind of give you an update on where I've been and I have some news
to share...with all three of you that are out there.
Legend has it that YouTube will literally murder your channel if you don't
upload every week,
in which case I've been murdered many times...and yet, regretfully,
still alive. So where have I been? Two words for ya:
unrelenting depression.
I don't think it's any secret that YouTube has never been particularly great for
my mental health and I'm not really convinced that it's great for anybody's
mental health. But I've also always been a sad girl, you know?
Ever since I went through puberty,
I just tend to fall on the more morose side of the spectrum.
I feel like that's something I'm still learning to accept about myself.
I'm never going to be one of the deliriously happy people that I see all over
YouTube who seems so unbothered and so unbroken, and so fashionable.
It makes me feel like some kind of talking potato.
Trying to be any type of person online that isn't who you be are is a special
kind of torture.
So I guess you could say I've been dealing with my problems in a much healthier
way: by running away from them! All the way to Japan, in fact.
I've been traveling,
it's been wonderful and gardening and studying Buddhism and really just trying
to cultivate a positive community that makes me feel good.
And that has a lot of challenges and bumps in the road, but it is worth it.
So despite these inevitable waves of depression,
I feel like I'm figuring things out and I'm doing okay.
So that's why happy new year. Not surprisingly, perhaps,
I'm still doing sex ed and working on sexual health projects on the ground.
In posting this video I wanted to say thank you to those of you out there who
encouraged me to keep going, who encouraged me to go to grad school.
Those of you who emailed to check up on me that wow, that was really sweet.
And to those of you who have constantly encouraged me through such a wild ride
to always stay true to myself and to stay true to what I believe and to my
voice. I'm sorry if in that process I've ever let any of you down.
I just hope that you know it's never my intention.
I always just did the best I could, hanging on to what I could.
There's a lot of crossed wires and hearsay and all kinds of stuff online that is
just too much for me to keep up with. I can't do it, you know?
But all that said, some weird twisted part of me still misses YouTube.
It's like missing an ex in some ways. You know, once you break up,
all the sudden all these good times come into clear view and you start to doubt
yourself and miss them and wonder if you should get back together.
The things that I miss the most are writing videos and being goofy and late
night streams and ridiculous memes and really just having a genuine smart online
community to communicate with you guys.
The real friendships that I've made through this experience are what I miss the
most. I also miss just having an outlet, you know, having conversations,
shooting the shit, sharing ideas, not this, you know, screaming crazy,
angry vortex that has now seemed to grip the internet.
Just real conversations with good natured folks about stuff that you know,
keeps you thinking for a few days. That's my shit.
And that is how the podcast project I'm working on called Indirect Message was
born. That's the main news that I wanted to let you guys know about.
I am moving to podcast land.
This is different from anything I've ever made before. I mean, for starters,
it's not about sex, it's about the internet,
specifically how the internet is changing society,
how it's changing the ways that we relate to each other, human to human.
These are topics that are super fascinating to me and I'm finally having fun
making something for the first time in years.
I cannot tell you it feels good. Man.
Feels like a cool way to meet in the middle because you don't have to be looking
at a screen, you know, while you're driving to work or doing chores or you know,
sprawled out on a blanket at the park.
So if you enjoy the podcast world as much as I do, I hope you enjoy it. Uh,
please bear with me and figuring out how to be a good podcast or be a good
interviewer and the format. So yeah, I'm excited.
I'm planning to post every other Wednesday.
You can find them on your podcasting app and you'll be able to call in and
participate.
I really want to build a community of people who are thoughtful and nuanced,
people who really like to chew on ideas. And if that's you,
I hope to see you there. So anyway, that's enough rambling.
That's where I've been and where I'm going. I love you guys so much.
And to anybody out there who stopped by my channel at any time,
whether you're interested in the subject matter or not,
never forget to stay real, stay curious and be kind to each other out there.
I'll see you next time. *Kiss*