♪ (I'm always here by Jimi Jameson) ♪ ♪ I'll be ready (I'll be ready) ♪
♪ Never you fear ♪
♪ No, don't you fear ♪
♪ I'll be ready ♪
♪ Forever and always ♪
♪ I'm always here ♪
Say, do you enjoy Hobie's creepy romantic subplots?
You're in luck!
That's one of the B plots this episode.
But as an added creepy twist (a crist?) this time, he's lusting after Shauni.
Allison (as Eddie) *Gasps* A challenger! I shall defend my fair Maidens honor!
*unsettling music plays*
Baywatch would like to take the time to remind you that Craig is a lawyer and-
-balancing lawyering and lifeguarding is hard, even when you work from home.
But wait, he can't go to his meeting until he finishes this important task.
Fisherman: Hey guys! I got something on of my fishing Rod. I don't know what it is.
Cort: Let's check it out
Meanwhile Eddie drowns to death after chasing a Frisbee into the ocean.
Oh, by the way, he found a bomb!
Craig: This is a job for trained professionals not a couple of lifeguards.
Craig: I'll call the bomb squad, they'll come out and they'll cordon off the beach.
*Sound of bomb exploding*
*Read In a deep voice* FIRED!
Allison (as Craig): No! My Dr. Scholl's was in there!
And immediately corpses of sealife fall upon all of the beach-goers, raining down a horrific display of negligence.
Craig: I need a vacation
Aw, that's the title!
...almost.
Okay, so the main focus of this episode is Cort, Craig and Eddie taking a vacation to Mexico.
I'm sure Cort invited Eddie because he couldn't find a babysitter last minute.
So yes, the show is already bored of itself and thus taking a vacation elsewhere.
Shauni wants to make sure Eddie brings her back all of the stereotypical souvenirs he can.
Shauni: Don't Forget my sombrero, It is gonna look so great on the wall. Eddie: Fine.
Shauni: And a poncho would be nice and if you find any turquoise earrings will you buy those too?
Allison (as Eddie): I don't know what any of those words mean!
Cort: Nice lipstick.
Allison (as Eddie): It's Lip Smackers, idiot!
Cort: Well, what about your schedule?
Craig: I pushed my court date back a week.
Allison (as Craig): *chuckles* That murder trial can wait.
Meanwhile:
♪ Mozart Violin Concerto plays as Mitch talks ♪
Mitch: Isn't this great?
Mitch: Nice quiet night, boring fireplace, friendly game of checkers between father and son.
Mitch: You know, this is what family life is all about.
*Record Scratch as Music stops* Whoa, whoa, whoa I just noticed...
...Mitch's couch is a boat?
Captain Thorpe shows up because his wife kicked him out.
*Sad 'Wha Wha Wha' sound effect*
Shut up Captain Thorpe, nobody cares about your subplots.
♪ Mexican guitar music plays ♪
Hang on, I'm not sure which country they went to. Let's try this again.
♪ Mariachi Music plays ♪
As you might have surmised, this road trip is going to go from bad to worse really quickly, as per TV road trip rules.
Though you can't say it wasn't mostly their fault, since they begin by immediately getting lost-
-a problem which Cort solves by throwing away the map.
Cort: Some places you have to find without a map.
Allison (as Cort): For instance, Brigadoon or space.
Allison (as Cort): That's why they call me John Directions Cort.
Remind us what the plot is, montage song.
Montage Song: ♪ Taking a vacation ♪
The stunt doubles seem to be surfing pretty well-
-but things take a sour turn once again when Craig's Jeep is stolen.
At least they left our clothes.
Thanks, ADR Eddie explaining in post while you're wearing normal outfits later.
Back at Casa De Burger, Captain Thorpe is being overly controlling, scheduling everything and generally being a buzzkill.
Hobie: Dad, we've got to get rid of him.
Allison (as Hobie): Permanently!
Allison (as Mitch): Uh, I don't know Hobie that seems a little drastic.
Allison (as Hobie): Leave it to me. A little poison in his milk, it'll be undetectable during the autopsy.
Allison (as Hobie): Get the tarp ready, and I'll meet you out back in ten.
*Dramatic music plays*
Allison (as Cort): All right, so I was face to face with this Jaguar, right? Allison (as Eddie): *Whining noises as Cort Talks*
Allison (as Cort): And I'm thinking man this meat thong was a bad idea. Allison (as Eddie): *Whining noises as Cort Talks*
Allison (as Cort): In retrospect, it was a great idea! Allison (as Eddie): *Whining noises as Cort Talks*
Allison (as Cort): Because I gave it to him and me and the Jaguar became pals. Allison (as Eddie): *Whining noises as Cort Talks*
Allison (as Cort): I rode him straight to town, free ballin' the whole way. Allison (as Eddie): *Whining noises as Cort Talks*
Allison (as Craig): *Chuckles* Yeah, that's great. That reminds me of a heartwarming story where I murder you. Allison (as Eddie): *Whining noises as Craig Talks*
Allison (as Eddie): Somebody change me!
The biggest issue Mitch seems to have with Captain Thorpe living with him-
-isn't so much the intrusive planning, as the fact he's cooking him gross food.
Mitch apparently lacks the skill most thirty-eight year olds have of being able to make meals of his own.
Allison (as Mitch): There's no meat in here!
Allison (as Mitch): How do you cook cereal?
Captain Thorpe: What do you say we sneak out around 6:50, change into some dancing duds and hit the disco's?
♪ Rick Dees - Disco Duck ♪
You know, I'm really glad we get another midlife crisis episode for Captain Thorpe,
I wasn't sure everything was explored yet, but Baywatch is thoroughly examining every inch of this issue.
Just how phallic will his new car be?
I need to know!
Hobie: Now I wanna see how it is from the best lifeguard.
Shauni: I am? Really?
*Allison laughing mockingly*
Ah, so it's TV 'Back to the Old West' Mexico.
Cort: If anybody in this town could help us out. It's Miguel.
Oh, Tremors Miguel.
*Cartoony spring sound effect*
Yeah, that's the normal response anyone gives when they see Eddie.
Okay, so this episode is basically Three Amigos if they played it straight... or really any movie that takes place in Mexico.
You've got the town in fear, the one Damsel slash romantic interest and three white idiots that have to save them.
Time for a bar fight!
It's Cort's second episode and he's in yet another bar fight.
It even starts with the same beer mug block as the last one.
Maybe this needs a little explanation; if it wasn't clear by now-
-NBC, the studio behind Baywatch, had conflicting ideas about what the show should be.
No one was sure if it should be Action-oriented or character focused and-
-NBC was certain after three episodes that the premise could not possibly sustain itself.
Action seemed to win out most of the time, hence episodes like this where lifeguarding is relegated to background plots.
This is a hilarious episode however, if you enjoy seeing Eddie get the crap beaten out of him.
Our heroes lose horribly and the audience has a good laugh.
It turns out the jerks at the bar were the ones who stole Craig's Jeep and they run the town.
The town, fearful of the backlash for harboring known morons, try to get our trio to leave.
While the townspeople seem to be implying that their families could be murdered, Craig lay's out his plan.
Craig: He's a cheap crook and when I see him I'm gonna tell him he's gonna listen to reason.
Allison (as Craig): If I tell him he stole my jeep, he'll listen to reason. I'm a lawyer!
Craig ops to go alone because if the three of them lost, the one of him will surely win.
He eats some Werther's and his muscles explode like Popeye.
Look at these dudes they're cooking chicken on a fence.
That is bad ass!
Also unsanitary.
Craig: You see this is my jeep and you probably didn't know that when you took it.
Jeep Thief: Yeah, You're- You're right that changes everything.
*Loud engine noises as they drive away*
Uncomfortable scene of Hobie hanging out with Shauni.
So, not only did they decide to include a creepy romantic subplot with Hobie again-
-but Hobie is straight-up trying to steal another guy's girlfriend.
Granted it's Eddie, and he's got the emotional maturity of a peanut but still.
*Loud sirens blaring*
Shauni: Hobie!
Allison (as Mitch): *Eating noises* Man, this Bailout movie is great!
Allison (as Captain Thorpe): Mitch I had an epiphany.
Allison (as Mitch): That's great Captain, get out.
Shauni: I'm glad you kissed me.
Shauni: You know some people go through their whole lives never having anyone ever fall in love with them.
Shauni: But I have two people. I think that's pretty special.
Okay, it doesn't matter if she's humoring him or they're playing this straight-
Just stop.
Stop right now Baywatch.
Stop.
Well, the three stooges tried it Craig's way.
Presumably off screen, Eddie's way was wetting himself and screaming-
-and now they're trying it Cort's way again.
The way that got them beaten unconscious in a bar.
They head over to the bad guys hideout and rig up a couple of the many barrels of gasoline-
-they just have in their yard for no particular reason.
*Loud explosion*
♪ Simple sounding music plays ♪
There wasn't even a point to that!
Apparently it was just to lure the men out into town?
They've accomplished less than nothing!
Cort: You can't beat them alone, and we can't beat them alone, but we can do it together.
Allison (as Cort): For some reason.
Allison (as Cort): That's why they call me John Dumbass Cort.
Allison (as a voice in the crowd): I thought it stood for Deathstalker?
Allison (as Cort): Shut up. I don't do that reference anymore.
They literally show up with torches?!
Oh, man those chickens are sooo roasted.
The town and the baddies fight-
-causing property damage and injury that will set the town back for years to come.
We also get these amazeballs shots.
Best. Choreography. Ever.
Woman: Mira Flores belongs to us!
*Crowd cheering*
And they returned with guns the next day.
The end.
I do like that the scene actually does end with our heroes being run out of town for causing so much damage-
-and generally being numbnuts.
Craig: I need a vacation.
Next time on Baywatch:
Lots and lots of water slides.
Meanwhile, Mitch horns in on Hobie's teacher.
Oh yeaaah!
♪ Baywatch end credit music ♪