Is communicating with a narcissist just paralyzing you and you just have no idea what to say
to disarm them?
By the end of this video, you will have some tips on exactly how to disarm that narcissist,
have a little key phrases in your pocket to get them to calm down.
Hi, I'm Rebecca Zung, top 1% attorney and the bestselling author of the books Negotiate
Like You Matter and Breaking Free: A Step-by-Step Divorce Guide, and I share all my secrets
right here with you in these videos.
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Now, you're dealing with a narcissist and every time they talk to you, you just feel
paralyzed.
You have no idea what to say because they are master manipulators, they know exactly
how to get the best of you.
Here are just a couple of things that you can say to talk them down, to get them to
calm down, to get them to be disarmed.
The first thing that you can say to them is, "I agree with you."
Even if you don't agree with them, just say, "I agree with you."
If they're saying things like, "You're a terrible cook or you've never been good at driving,
or finances aren't your strong suit," or something that's just trying to goad you or to try to
manipulate you or try to get you upset, rile you up, then you just say something like,
"I agree with you.
Sure, that's fine.
Whatever you say is correct on that."
The thing I would caution you about is obviously, you're not going to say that in an email or
in a text when they're saying like, "You're a terrible mother."
You're not going to say, "I agree with you."
Or, "You're a an absent father or a deadbeat dad."
You're not going to say, "I agree with you."
But if it's something that's relatively innocuous and who really cares, then just say, "I agree
with you."
Because, they're only saying that to try to inflame you and get you upset, to try to get
you emotional.
For most of us, it actually works.
For most of us, defending ourselves is really the first natural reaction.
I mean, if somebody's saying something about you that's not true, then you want to say,
"That's not true."
There is many examples of how that's not true, but you're never going to get a narcissist
to go, "Oh, you know what, you're right."
So, just say, "Okay, I agree with you."
That's one way that you can disarm a narcissist.
Another thing that you can say is, "I don't agree with you, but you have a right to have
your opinion, and I also have a right to have mine."
You're basically saying, "Whatever you're saying is ridiculous or whatever, but you
don't have to put it in those terms."
You can just say, "You are entitled to your opinion as I am entitled to mine."
There's really not a whole lot they can say about that.
I mean, they might try to say, "Well, it's the right opinion," or whatever and you can
say, "It's absolutely your opinion and it is right to you."
You say things like that, you're acknowledging that they spoke, which is what they want.
They want you to acknowledge that they spoke.
They want you to hear them.
They want you to see them.
All human beings want to feel seen, heard and know that they matter and so you give
them that but you're not agreeing with them and you're not pushing back and you're not
defending yourself.
You're not trying to prove they're wrong and all of those things because of course, you're
never get to get anywhere with that.
You're just disarming them.
You're pulling back and you're saying, "You are certainly entitled to your opinion and
I know it's right to you and I know that you wholehearted heartedly believe it.
Great.
You are entitled to do that.
I am also entitled to my opinion and we can agree to disagree."
Another way to disarm a narcissist is to use we phrases.
Even if you don't think that you did anything wrong or that you need to do anything to make
it better, you can just say, "We need to work on things or we both have a faulty perception
about, or we both have contributed to this situation."
Something like that.
Because, if they feel like you're not targeting them and that you're taking part of the blame
and responsibility, then they'll feel less like they need to keep pushing, pushing, pushing,
and so that will also help disarm.
Using we phrases will definitely help.
We will work on this together.
That kind of thing.
Another way to disarm a narcissist is to assuage their ego a little bit by saying something
like, "Let me ask your advice on this.
How would you handle this particular situation?
Let me see what you think about this.
How would you feel about doing it this way, or what's your opinion about if we decide
to proceed in this manner or what do you think about this plan?"
Getting them to weigh in on something that is, that you think that they're being ridiculous
about will help them.
You just get them to ... it also makes them highlight the ridiculousness of their behavior.
You have to be careful because obviously, if they've already given you a plan and you
don't like it, then this is not the time to use that particular phrase, but that's one
of the things that you can do to disarm a narcissist.
Another phrase that you can use is, "I hear what you're saying," and basically, remember
that a narcissist is the most insecure, the most ... they have absolutely no inner self-esteem.
They derive absolutely all of their value from the external.
So, by saying something to them like, "I hear what you're saying," you're saying, "I hear
you.
I see you.
I'm validating you.
Here's what you said."
Because a lot of times they think, "Oh, you're not listening to me".
So, just by saying, "I hear what you're saying and here's what you said," just that alone
will sometime disarm them because they feel heard, they feel seen and they feel like you
have given them the value that they need.
Remember, narcissists need an endless amount of supply and so, supply is given to them
in the form of compliments or it could be being in a certain position or it could be
recognition in some way.
It could be just even being associated with the right people.
Supply is just whatever it is that feeds their external, their need for external value.
So, if you say, "I hear what you're saying," and you repeat it back to them, even if you're
then going to go on and say, "And I don't agree with you and you are entitled to your
opinion," at least they feel heard.
So, these are phrases to disarm a narcissist, to try to get them to calm down a little bit.
If you're negotiating with a narcissist, you're definitely going to want to grab my Crush
My Negotiation Prep Worksheet.
That is in the notes below.
I also have many other videos on how to deal with the narcissist.
I have one called outsmart a narcissist, which is a good one to watch, hand in hand with
this one, and I will drop a link to that one below, as well as many other videos on how
to deal with and negotiate with a narcissist.
You want to make sure to check those out.
If you haven't already subscribed to my channel, make sure that you do that now.
Hit subscribe, hit the notification bell so then as soon as my new videos get uploaded
every week, you will be able to watch them immediately, because if you're dealing with
a narcissist, I know what it's like.
I've had to deal with them in my own personal life, plus I've dealt with them in my law
practice, both as clients and as opposing clients and even opposing counsel, a lot of
the time.
I know what you're dealing with.
I mean, they're just, they're seemingly impossible personalities and that's at best.
At their worst, they can be completely abusive and horrible and trauma.
You're dealing with people who are causing trauma to you, on a daily basis.
So, make sure you hit that subscribe button.
Hit that notification bell, because it is my mission to bring you as much information,
tips, tricks, and ways to support you through the process of dealing with a narcissist.
I'm Rebecca Zung.
Thanks for watching and I'll see you in the next video.