BELL RINGS
It was the final day of the school year and we were all in the mood
for some classically formative experiences.
This was my gang.
In order of coolness, by which I mean the average number
of cigarettes we each smoked per day,
there was Adnan Masood, AKA Addy...
..Ralph Roberts...
..and Tom "Craggy" Cragg.
And this was me, just sitting on a table
thinking, I assume, knowing me.
It's quite hard to visually demonstrate thinking, isn't it?
Yeah, that's better.
Lot fresher-faced then, of course.
But then that is what circa 10,000 pints of cheap lager will do to you.
And of course, we all picture ourselves being slightly
better looking in our memories, don't we?
So, you know, just go with it.
Going for the arm bar! No chance, dickhead!
Will you two pack it in? You're doing me head in!
Yeah, we both know you're soft as shit.
Yeah, well at least we're not thick as shit!
And actually end up going to uni and try to do something with our lives
instead of spending the next decade just managing a coke habit, Ralph!
Sorry, got carried away there. Don't know why I did that.
That was bad and snobbish and I won't do it again.
They can't hear me, by the way.
As the cooler/more carcinogenically exposed members of the group,
Adnan and Ralph had big ambitions for the summer,
involving two girls, names of Rachel Fielder and Cassie McClaire.
Cassie, it was agreed, was almost the coolest, most fanciable girl
in the school, second only to Rachel Fielder.
Rachel's coolness partly lay in her knowing and singing the best
new songs before anyone else.
On this particular day, it was Never Leave You by Lumidee.
HE MUTTERS EXCITEDLY
They're coming, they're coming! Fuck up, man!
Hi, Ralph. Hi, Ralph. Rachel.
I'm Rachel. Ralph.
You're Rachel, I'm Ralph.
Yeah, I know.
So, how are you keeping, then?
How's she keeping?!
You sound like my uncle, and he's dead.
I'm keeping all right, thanks.
Maybe see you down Glebelands tonight?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, defo.
I'll see you then, then.
What's that song that you've been singing today?
Never Leave You by Lumidee.
She's sick and she's going to be a star,
like her peer Beyonce's also going to be.
Cool, cool one. Sick one.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
Ey up, Cassie.
Give us a fuckin' cig, Addy.
Yeah, sure. You... You can have two if you like.
Can I have 'em all?
Course.
Cheers.
In a bit.
Cassie's so fuckin' fit I want to jump off a footbridge.
Tut.
Even as a youth, unlike Addy,
I would never objectify women in this way.
Yeah.
Absolute stun-bucket, mate.
Addy, we went four ways on them cigs!
Shut up, Craggy!
I get me pocket money tonight. I'll get more.
Hey, Ralph, you really fucked up your chance
to impress Fielder there. What do you mean?
You hardly said owt to her, didn't you?
Yeah, and what you did say were fuckin' stupid!
Shut up, Craggy! I'm not like that, am I?
Some lads, they just like to talk and talk and talk. That's not me.
My two penn'orth, yeah?
Birds talk. Lads only say shit when shit needs actually saying.
Rachel knows that a real man will just sit there, yeah?
And not try and impress her and do his own thing,
do you know what I mean?
And she respects me cos that's me. I've never...
I've never talked too much, never blabbed on,
do you know what I mean? I don't like big conversations.
I don't do it. I never have done. I never will do. Know what I mean?
I-I-I'm strong, but silent.
Yeah.
Forever. End of.
Right, it's just that Whitey's chatting her up
and she seems to be enjoying it.
Our antagonist, the villain of the piece - Matthew White.
He went by Whitey, even to his parents.
He was renowned for once having nutted a train conductor
for having the neck to ask to see his ticket.
She won't fall for his bullshit.
She seems to be falling for it pretty hard.
Shut up, Craggy.
Look, Ralph, it's normal to feel pissed off
when you've been rejected.
What the fuck are you, Liam,
some sort of fucking therapist or something?
I'm only trying to help!
He's looking over, Ralph.
Yeah. I'll smack him if he looks over again.
Will you fuck, Ralph!
Yeah, I will, Craggy. Ralph!
Hey, get off him, man. Ralph! Get off him!
BELL RINGS
Addy, you better have them cigs by tonight, mate.