- See, I don't know who I think I am
that Celine Dion's gonna sit down and watch my special,
but if it gets back to her that I don't super agree
with the whole Rene thing.
It's not a criticism of her, though.
But still, you slide off someone's man?
Don't like that.
(laid-back music)
My best friend is my littlest sister.
My frenemy is my little sister, Joann.
No, I really like Joann.
Joann's just very sincere,
and she is offended sometimes by things that I say.
And I really hate people like that.
And then my little sister, Kerrie,
is in this sexual dance company,
and she bartends and she's really into skincare,
and she does not get offended,
and she's always dressed way too slutty for where she is.
I really like Kerrie a lot.
And I just like people who aren't offended by me.
And that's why Joann makes me very nervous.
One man in Brighton while was I was touring Glitter Room,
I came out,
and there's a big projection of me,
like a press photo in the back.
And I came out, and he,
before I had even opened my mouth to speak,
he said, "Who's that, then?"
I was like, "Who's what?"
He's like, "She's a lot better-looking than you are."
And then I had to just explain to him about Photoshop
and how, yeah.
I mean, I'm a catfish, a terrible catfish.
And I'm not as pretty in real life as I am in my photos.
And it was fine with me to explain that to him
'cause it's something that he needs to know in his life,
that photos are edited, and at the end of the day,
I already had his ticket money,
so it was fine.
But we just had a chat, you know?
I don't have, like,
"Well, then you can,"
I don't know have any putdowns like that.
I just try to see what's happening
and I turn it into a chat.
- [Interviewer] That's brutal, though.
- Yeah, I mean, he was right, though.
- He was so rude. - He was right.
I was not as-- - You're not a catfish.
- Well, I'm not as good-looking as I am in photos,
but that's the idea.
Otherwise, what am I paying the photographer for?
What's that retouching all about?
Sorry, Jameela Jamil.
I need it.
The best job I've ever done is standup comedy.
It's so fun to be your own boss,
and I like the absence of responsibility.
If things go wrong,
then it really affects me the most,
and I love that.
I think I can sleep at night
knowing that I can only fuck my own life.
And I think my least favorite job
was briefly I worked in sales
where you'd have to hang out in the lobby
and try to sell people a cellphone contract.
I didn't understand that that was the job.
I thought that I was working in an office.
But then I got there on the first day and they were like,
"Now we're going to this block of flats in Scarborough."
And I was like, no.
I think my best ever shows are the little, little shows.
That is when comedy becomes really like a conversation.
I think it's odd to have a one-sided conversation.
When I used to walk on stage as a surprise,
part of the mixed bill
before people would come to see me on purpose,
then they were really upset to see me,
just like, aw.
And it's good to win people over
and to leave to a little bit more applause
than you came on to.
I think my worst show was a Christmas spectacular
that I was on, early days,
and I had to do 20 minutes on a mixed bill.
And I noticed that everyone in Greenwich, England
had wristbands on. And that meant that they could drink
as much as they wanted for free all night.
And already in the evening,
people had weed, people had been sick,
people had been chucked out for having sex in the toilets.
I mean, I think it's very gentlemanly
to take it to the toilets, for a start,
so I don't know why they got kicked out,
but whatever.
It was a night.
And then I went on.
And instead of heckling me,
everyone just turned their backs
and carried on with their own conversations.
You can't come back from that,
'cause no one's listening to you.
Then you're just a madwoman talking in a room
of people who are just weeing against the wall.
Merry Christmas.
The best Celine Dion is current Celine.
Her fashion, I know she switched stylists recently.
Something has happened.
Because she is a woman who's over 50 active on Instagram,
super, super beautiful, fashionable,
high fashion, too.
And she doesn't do fillers and Botox
and all these other things.
She really is her own femme.
And she just is the face of Dior.
She's just the best Celine that we've ever had.
And I think the worst Celine,
there is really no worst Celine.
But she definitely had a period
where I think even the Quebecois were like,
"Oh, who does she think she is?"
When she started to get very famous
and she was young and had crooked teeth,
they were not kind to her for a while.
And I think that is so important to me as an icon.
Celine Dion reinforces that women grow in value.
We don't diminish because we're not 25 anymore.
When Celine was 25,
she wasn't having the good life that she's having now.
Celine Dion is just the best Celine Dion ever.
And I will also be the best ever when I'm approaching 60,
when I'm approaching 80, God willing.
We grow in value,
and that's what Celine Dion represents to me.
She's so fucking cool.
But she will never like me when this special comes out.
I have tickets to see Celine Dion in London.
But let's just hope I can be allowed in.
See, I don't know who I think I am
that Celine Dion's gonna sit down and watch my special,
but if it gets back to her that I don't super agree
with the whole Rene thing.
It's not a criticism of her, though.
But still, you slide off someone's man?
Don't like that.
Whole wide world,
my best person is Michelle Obama.
I think she's really great,
and I really hope,
I mean, I don't think that she will ever run
for the most powerful office in the world,
'cause that's not a fun job.
I think that Michelle Obama
has seen what a horrific position that is.
And I think that for the greater good of her sanity,
she's got a nice life now.
She's got security guards.
They've got money.
She's got two beautiful children.
I wouldn't be president.
Only an idiot wants to be president.
Which brings me to my least favorite person.
No, I think my least favorite person is,
oh, there are so many.
It would be R. Kelly and anyone like R. Kelly,
these really manipulative, coercive, controlling narcissists
who are like, "I'm just a really nice guy."
♪ Step in the name of love ♪
And trick people, but they're really bad guys,
because I wish bad people would just have a flag
that's like, hey, I'm a bad person.
But the worst people seem super nice and they trick people,
and I don't like that at all.