Translator: Ana Teresa Queiroga Reviewer: Clara Marques
What is a match?
It’s a very simple object, fragile, made of wood,
but with a curious feature.
It’s that, when subjected to friction, a flame lasting about 5 seconds is created.
A flame that is highly unstable, corrosive, destructive.
It is a flame that is hot, but does not heat. It burns.
And what is a candle?
Just as simple. Paraffin and a wick.
It may also have a flame,
although, unlike a match, it cannot light itself.
And this flame, it is serene, peaceful.
It illuminates.
It heats up.
And it lasts.
Why am I talking about this? About flames, candles, matches, ...
In June 2020, my father fell victim of a deep depression.
He lived in such a incomprehensible state
that we would not find it described in the saddest verse of poetry.
Finding no way out of it,
in a moment of pure despair and suffering,
he decided to end his own life.
At the very moment I found out,
it was as if my whole body compressed
until it became the size of a marble.
And immediately afterwards, it would expand in all directions in a mute scream.
It was such a violent reaction that it was like lighting a match.
I saw its flame burning towards my fingers
and I realised I had to act.
But what to do?
Could I let the match burn?
Seeing the flame approaching my fingers
right up to the moment it would burn me, just before it went out?
And then the flame would disappear, yes.
But the burn, on my fingers, no.
It would be pain and then nothing.
I could also take that lit match and throw it randomly.
Then, most likely, it would cause a fire.
The flame would spread, uncontrollably,
and destroy everything and everyone around me.
Including me.
In this case, it would be much more pain
and then nothing.
There was a third option:
I could look into that flame and realise its potential.
I could transform it.
Turn it from a match to a wick.
Light a candle.
To make the flame endure, illuminating my way without burning me.
And what it has represented, then, so far,
light a candle and try to keep it burning?
It represented a process of post-traumatic growth
- that is how it is called.
A positive change that occurs, precisely,
by experiencing traumatic situations.
And which materialises in a feeling of personal growth,
in a shift of priorities,
a sense of greater appreciation for life.
This growth began with introspection.
A constant search to know every corner of my consciousness.
Examining my path, questioning my thoughts,
reflecting on my worries.
In essence, improving my relationship with myself.
Obviously, I didn’t do it alone.
The idea of being alone is unreal, inhuman.
And proof of this are the clothes we wear,
what we eat,
the bed in which we lie down.
And as such, I had to learn to accept my humanity.
I had to learn to ask for help,
to let being helped,
and trying to help.
I began receiving weekly psychological care that I still keep up to this day.
And which I describe as mirror conversations.
In these conversations, I ask:
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall who am I?”
Just like the queen in the Snow White movie,
to those who remember.
And the answer is always the same:
Silence.
Because, unlike the film, here it is the mirror that asks the questions.
But I am the one who answers them.
And either to be able to ask, or to be able to answer,
I had to allow myself to be vulnerable.
I had to gain a greater taste for the discomfort
and allow greater exposure to my limitations,
to my weaknesses.
And from that came the natural natural growth of these actions.
In short, of self-knowledge
that allowed me to be comfortable enough
to share my story with those who wanted to hear it.
I do it with the aim of normalising, raise awareness
and break the stigma for mental health issues.
My aim is to show to those who listen to me,
what a welfare state is
and which is not only the absence of disease.
That sleep, diet, physical exercise
are just as important for the body as for the mind.
And that the longings, the fears, the apathy,
unjustified sadness are not madness,
but they could be a disease.
That these wounds can also become infected, if left untreated,
but that worse than the physical ones,
often need no apparent reasons for them to open up.
Throughout this journey, I have learnt.
I’ve learned that pain belongs to each person, but it hurts everyone.
That we may feel alone and misunderstood,
but that often all around us,
many suffer from the same loneliness and lack of understanding.
That those who hear us may not understand our pain,
but, most likely, knows what pain is.
And when you look at things from this perspective,
it becomes easier to share how we are feeling.
I have learned that...
I learned not from principles, but from the beginning.
That, to know if I’m all right,
I can’t assume that I am.
I should try to ask myself open questions and not try to confirm closed questions.
What this means is basically to ask:
“Am I okay?”
And not something like:
“I’m okay, aren’t I?”
Following this, I learned that being better is not to be well, but it is good.
That we need to understand the process of evolution of whatever it is.
And realize that if I’m not well, but I’m better than yesterday,
I am clearly on the right track and I must just be patient and carry on.
And I learned to practice kindness,
with me and others.
And this isn’t about me being altruistic or selfish.
It’s about giving what I can
and ask for what I need.
Nothing on this path has or is being easy,
but it is possible to do it.
It involves focus, resilience and respect.
And it also implies understanding that life doesn’t stop and we only have one.
As such, I have always tried to set concrete goals
and achievable, for everything I set out to do,
in order to have a clear idea of where I am at
in relation to those objectives.
I also started trying to practice incremental ambition
since it’s not just because I have a new pair of trainers that I can run marathons.
Finally, I have learned to try to celebrate my victories
with the same intensity and speed with which I criticise my defeats,
although I am far from from being able to do it the way I want.
However, continuing to live, now, as a candle
has allowed me to start and finish my my Master’s degree in Rotterdam,
has enabled me to become an active voice on this issue,
and be an example to some of the students
of the educational institutions I have been through.
And has led me to become part of one of the world’s largest technology companies.
I know this is my story.
But we all carry boxes of matches.
We don’t know when they will light up.
We don’t know how they will light up.
But we know we have five seconds to use them.
Are we going to let them burn in our hands?
Throw them randomly and destroy everything around us?
No.
May we all know how to transform our flames,
to light our candles.
May we all know how to light our way
and that of those around us.
Thank you!
(Applause)