[MUSIC PLAYING]
[HEART BEATING]
JASON SILVA: So there's a fascinating Ted talk
by the brilliant Esther Perel, author
of "Mating in Captivity," where she
explores the secret to desire in long-term relationships.
Because this, of course, is the holy grail.
Falling in love is easy.
The honeymoon period, anybody would take that ride.
But what happens upon the moment that routine
becomes part of your reality, the person
you're with every single day.
How do you retain that passion, that fire?
This is again the mystery of long-term desire.
And Ester Perel, she went around the world asking couples,
when are you most drawn to your partner?
And what she found across the board,
everyone said the same thing.
They found their partner the most attractive when
they were able to see their partner as a self sustaining
entity.
It's this idea that they were able to perceive
their partner the way that other people perceive them,
as a complete individual; as a complete self-sustaining
person.
Not the other half of you, but as a solid whole.
And so this idea that attraction requires a kind of distance,
that even desire requires a crossing over, she says.
And I thought that was absolutely brilliant,
because how can incorporate that into our own relationships?
How can we create space between us and the ones we love,
so that we can reclaim that crossing over?
So that we can see them as that self-sustaining entity,
and fully appreciate them as the fully rounded,
complete being that they are.
I think she's on to something, that Esther Perel,
and for that reason, I think she's brilliant.
And I think everybody should watch that TED Talk.
Because If we could hack the secret
to desire in the long term, that could
solve a lot of our problems.
[MUSIC PLAYING]