- Yo!
What was that?
What's going on, everybody?
I figured I would just jump in
to give you my opinions on what happened
in the first presidential debate.
If you missed the debate,
I'm gonna give you a quick recap of what happened.
(Trevor screaming)
Would you like...
(Trevor screaming)
Would you like to respond to...
Ah, blah, blah, ah, rah, rah, rah.
It was very informative.
First things first, we need new debate rules, people.
Chris Wallace, thank you for your service,
and I hope that you have a lot of money for your therapy.
You made a valiant effort, but you were not ready for this
because no human being could've been ready for this.
They don't need a moderator for this thing.
They need a UFC ref.
Dana White, get on it.
Trump would not shut up.
Right now he's still in his bedroom complaining about
how Crooked Hillary rigged the election that he won.
She totally stole it, but I got it.
I brought it back.
I grabbed it from her.
I totally had it.
Pass the toothpaste, Melania.
That's what I did!
I grabbed it from Hillary.
I mean, at one point, Chris Wallace was this close
to looking at Trump and saying,
nigga, you gotta shut the (beep) up!
(Trevor exhales loudly)
That was Chris Wallace losing his mind.
So look, moderators, you need to figure out
how to handle Trump at a debate
because this is not good for the nation.
It doesn't work to just say, "Mr. President, please.
"Mr. President, please.
"Please, Mr. President, please."
Have you ever asked a toddler please?
Please, put down the matches.
Please put down...
Your house will be burned down around you.
That's why Melania slaps the hand!
You gotta slap the hand.
(air whooshes)
You can't be talking to toddler.
I'm telling you, man, they need to switch things up.
They need to figure something out.
Do anything!
Give the next moderator a spray bottle
just to spritz them anytime they interrupt.
I promise you, Trump will be quiet
because his hair turns into a gremlin if it gets wet.
Just spray him. (imitates spraying sound)
Or you know what, even better,
give Trump $100 for every time
he lets Biden finish a sentence.
Yeah, I mean, money is a great incentive for him.
And now that we've seen the tax returns,
we know that he needs it.
And whoever decided on this format needs to be fired
because I don't know about you at home,
but I have never, and I mean never,
wanted to see a commercial break more badly in my life.
I cannot do 90 straight minutes of this shit ever again.
It was brutal.
There's gotta be a commercial break every five minutes.
And during those commercial breaks,
every ad should be for antidepressants
or some drug that has side effects
that make you forget the last four years.
And honestly, if you went to a commercial
in this middle of this thing,
I bet even the guys in the ad would be flustered.
They'll be so thrown off by Donald Trump,
they'd be like, uh, I was gonna tell you about the,
uh, the cat litter or hotdogs or...
I can't remember any.
I don't, I'm sorry, I...
Guys, (laughs) I don't know what this ad is about.
That guy just kept on...
And these debates need fact checkers.
Why am I the only person who still says...
Guys, debates need fact checkers
because otherwise, people can just stand on the stage
and say whatever they want.
And there are no consequences, zero, nada, zilch.
Every time a candidate says a lie,
there should be some sort of sign that they lied.
Like, maybe a brick should come down
on their side of the screen like "Tetris."
(air whooshes)
And then as they lie, it'll just gradually build up
higher and higher until it covers their face.
I mean, the best part for Trump is
that five minutes into the debate,
he'll finally have his wall.
There are so many places where there is no truth,
Twitter, Facebook, partisan news networks.
These debates at the very least should be a place
where people can tune in and expect some kind of fact check.
You know?
You can't just have both candidates making things up.
If they're gonna make things up, it's like you don't know.
Is Biden telling the truth?
I think so.
Is Trump?
That's definitely a lie, but no one's saying anything.
You can't have them decide when it's a lie.
It's like the NBA Finals, and then all the sudden,
they're like, oh, yeah, you can call your own fouls.
No, that's chaos.
You need an actual ref on the court, people.
I mean, the one upside of this whole night is now we know
what the "Fight Club" sequel will look like in 40 years.
That's the one upside.
In fact, that's what we should do.
We should just let these guys wrestle.
Just let them physically wrestle each other
because the reality is everyone's made up their mind.
All right?
There's no such thing as an undecided voter.
It's just people too embarrassed to say how they'll vote.
So let's entertain America at least
with two old men wrestling.
And the winner gets a free hip replacement.
So I don't know, guys.
Fresh after the debate, what is my takeaway?
(laughs) Well, I don't actually know.
I mean, I don't know how Biden did
because Trump did more interrupting
than Kanye West in a room full of Taylor Swifts.
It sounded less like a debate
and more like the radio was stuck catching two stations.
(imitates static) Hillary and so...
This guy's a clown.
(imitates static) Please, Mr....
(Trevor imitates static)
I can't believe that Biden even managed
to keep any train of thought.
That was impressive.
You wanna talk about being compos mentis
for being president?
Pay attention while Trump is trying to interrupt you
the whole time.
It's like having a little devil on your shoulder,
but they're not trying to convince you of anything.
They're just trying to mess you up.
Yeah, that's what 250,000, that's like,
it's a lot, Burisma, baby.
I was watching that debate,
and I kept forgetting where I was.
I actually hope Biden was taking drugs
'cause that's the only way I was able
to get through the debate.
And as for Trump's performance, two things.
One, now we finally know what it would it like
if he read his Twitter feed out loud.
And two, I can't believe how hard his brain malfunctioned
when they asked him to denounce white supremacists.
"Will you denounce the Proud Boys, Mr. President?"
"Well, uh, yeah, uh, uh, ah, oo, the Proud Boy,
"well, stand back and stand by, boys."
So after the first debate, I don't know if anybody won.
All I know is for the next debate,
I'm gonna stand back from the TV
and stand by a bottle of wine.
We'll see you guys tomorrow
for the fallout from the first presidential debate
on "Daily Social Distancing Show" debate, good night!
I'm out!
This shit was ridiculous.