'Proceed.'
This week in my Dark Corner of this sick world we look at the ultimate B movie smackdown.
'Kong verses Godzilla. If we are lucky, both will die.'
That’s pretty much all you need know.
'Bonzi!'
All that remains is getting the two monsters together.
‘The fact that Kong and Godzilla appear at the same time is interesting scientifically.’
and convenient cinematically.
‘Being instinctive rivals, there is no doubt they will try to destroy each other’
And this guy obviously knows what he’s talking about, just look at the academic text he cites.
'Possibly a cross between the tyrannosaurus rex and the stegosaurus.'
'Which is sometimes known as the plated dinosaur.'
'Godzilla!'
All in all, Godzilla looks ok, and he gets a relatively dignified introduction, discovered in an iceberg,
'Godzilla has risen from the sea.'
before going on a rampage in downtown Tokyo.'
Kong looks unconvincing from a distance,
ludicrous in close up,
and his arms get shorter if he has to pick something up.
He’s introduced via a fight with giant octopus covered in cling film,
before being kidnapped by a drug company run by idiots, to be their mascot.
'Pacific pharmaceutical demands publicity.'
Oh well that seems entirely practical, I can’t see this going wrong.
That has to be the single stupidest way to transport a giant gorilla.
Shows what I know.
'Mummy, let's go see Godzilla.'
You know what you’re getting with this film; 2 guys in suits whaling on each other,
which is pretty difficult to cock up.
'OK, drop him'
Padding it out to 90 minutes however causes problems.
'No more!'
For instance; do we really need the English language inserts presented by a man desperately trying not to laugh.
‘The reason he is such a giant is that he eats Dr Makeno’s berries’
What has Thunderbird 5 got to do with anything?
Why is the sleep drug used on Kong, not even tried on Godzilla?
Why does electricity make Kong stronger?
‘electricity makes him stronger?’
See? Even the characters don’t buy it!
‘Oooh strange story’
More than half the film is building to that eventual confrontation and that half of the film is lousy!
‘It’s dull and boring and without imagination.’
But then you get East verses West in a no holds barred anything goes grudge match on the edge of a volcano.'
On the one hand this is a dreadful film,
'More on that matter as it arises.'
...ignoring the legacy of the original Kong and Godzilla films and degrading them to a half-arsed comedy.
On the other; it’s Kong vs Godzilla; they meet, they fight, really what more can you expect?
'Since you're asking my opinion, the answer is yes.'
It’s not like they were ever going to sit down and discuss early 17th century English dramatists,
despite the random Shakespeare quote at the start.
'There are more things in heaven and earth Horatio than are dreamt of in your philosophy.'
No matter what you do, this was never going to be high art...
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