a few months ago I went to the Opera
Bea's a is common to be exact in the
first scene when Carmen saunters out and
seduces about 30 soldiers with one pout
she sings love is a gypsy child a gypsy
child that knows no law all the poets
and philosophers down the ages would
agree and sing the chorus right along
with her after all everybody knows that
romantic love is mysterious irrational
fleeting something we just fall into and
then fall out of but this leaves us with
a big problem we now depend on romantic
partners more and more for the support
and social connection we need most of us
don't live in villages anymore if we're
lucky we live in a community of two and
more and more of us complain of chronic
loneliness and for the first time in
human history the basic unit of society
the family is founded almost solely on
feelings of love and affection building
these precious indispensable
relationships on a shadow a mystery that
is so out of our control seems just a
little bit risky maybe this is why in my
part of the world the biggest question
on Google last year was what is love and
also how do you do it but it's okay
because in fact bees a and his lawless
version of love is out of date we now
know that love makes sense and we can
not only make sense of it we can shape
it this is a breakthrough this is our
big idea a paradigm shift a revolution
how did this happen well beginning in
the 1990s social side
antis began systematically observing
couples doing what all couples do
fighting making up saying goodbye asking
for caring facing scary situations
together researchers like myself have
been busy coding the expressions on
people's faces pinpointing the exact
responses that shift a relationship from
despair to delight putting partners in
brain scanners measuring their hormones
science has at last focused on the
drama's that make up our everyday
emotional lives pinpointing for example
why hurt feelings preoccupy us and what
makes for an effective apology in my lab
we have successfully studied how to help
couples not just increase their
relationship satisfaction but create the
loving responsiveness that truly repairs
their emotional bond well hold on though
we can improve communication but can we
really in therapy create love and trust
in a therapy session 20 years of
research says we can but only if we know
how to make sense of love only if we
grasp the laws of love let's look at
four of them each one is supported by
many research studies number one in
essence romantic love is a grownup
version of the emotional bond between
mother and child with the same megawatt
emotions driving longing for closeness
and connection need for safe haven
safety and connection the safety and
connection that lessens fear and stress
the same emotional turmoil at the threat
of loss and separation and the same
three strategies and moves for dealing
with our need to be close let's be clear
this bond with parents and then with
lovers is no small
all matter it is an ancient survival
code wired into our brains when we were
born small and helpless if we call and
no one comes this is terrifying
we know that isolation being cut off
from the care of others is the ultimate
danger signal it can render us helpless
it can kill a study by house finds the
emotional isolation is more dangerous
for your health and smoking or lack of
exercise and you are three times more
likely to have a stroke or a heart
attack if you have to face the world
alone we are recognizing that we are
born to connect it is our deepest
instinct more powerful than sex or
aggression
what is the first law of love it is that
it is a survival code and regulates our
sense of safety or danger the template
for the way we love is the bond with our
first caregiver as an adult this bond is
different in that we don't need our
lovers physically present all the time
we can turn to them in our minds and use
them as safety cues to Comus when I fly
as the plane takes off I listen to my
husband's loving voice in my head and my
heart stabilizes even though we are
climbing to 39,000 feet if you want to
think about this in terms of a drug
thinking of my husband lightly turns on
a bonding hormone called oxytocin in my
brain and this turns off fear that's
clever
law number two not so long ago the
belief was that mothers should not hold
children because it made them into
dependent wimps in fact we now know that
it makes them stronger more confident
but many of us still believe that we
should not need
our partners that it is a weakness to
depend on others law number two says
that our need for others to be available
and respond to us like we matter is
wired into our mammalian brain so if
you're listening and you're a lizard
this talk isn't for you
our ability to reach for others and use
them as a resource to calm us to comfort
us and support us is a strength in fact
it is probably the greatest strength of
our species the strongest and most
resilience of us know how to turn to
others as a resource after 9/11 the
folks who lived around the towers who
could turn to others recovered just fine
not so those who try to deal with that
trauma alone widows who know they were
loved recover best from the loss of
their partner love makes us stronger law
number two we're better together loving
and being loved makes you stronger law
number three tells us what the essence
of a good love relationship is it is
where the answer to the question are you
there for me emotionally is yes you can
count on me to respond master lovers
know how to reach for each other pull
each other close and repair moments of
disconnection and hurt a love
relationship is a constant dance of
mutual tuning in moments of meeting miss
cues and misses failures and hurts
repair and then falling into loving
connection again master lovers create a
safe haven for each other they literally
bring each other's heart rate down
reduce each other stress hormones we
watch couples in our lab repair their
relationship after years of distress
they have a hold me tight conversation
where each partner can share
vulnerabilities and needs in a way that
helps
the other person come close and respond
emotional responsiveness is the key to
secure bonding over nine studies these
conversations transformed relationships
and predicted successful relationship
repair after therapy and years later
partners who have this safe emotional
connection have better sex by the way
it's emotional safety not constant
novelty that is the key to great sex
when you are safe you can play so law
number three is emotional achievement
and responsiveness are the key to safe
haven bonding both partners can reach
and respond law number four the dance of
love is really not that complicated
there are only three predictable key
moves whether you're 5 or 55 when you
feel disconnected the natural tendency
is to try to reach for your loved one
especially if you've had this work for
you in the past sometimes these riches
are a little shy and a little sly as in
if you're not busy you could help me
make the coffee
if the reconnection doesn't happen we
just have to other strategies to deal
with our longings and our fears you will
protest to get a response you might get
angry or demanding as in you never help
me make the coffee
if connection has been a place of
constant disappointment for you the only
solution is to shut down and numb out
your feelings as in I'm going for coffee
see you later we tell distress couples
the normal dance of disconnection is
where one is pushing for a response but
in an angry way that freaks out the
other while the other feels helpless and
steps back to avoid hurt the same
emotional music of abandonment
rejection is playing for both connection
is so critical to our survival that
criticism from our lover is coded in the
same way and in the same place in the
brain as physical pain both are danger
signals chronic conflict in
relationships is all about loneliness
and disconnection that partners do not
know how to bridge the couples I just
described are not really fighting about
coffee once couples get that both of
them are alone and afraid they can
comfort each other in the storm and find
their way home law number 4 the moves
that make up the dance of bonding are
reaching and responding pushing and
demanding or turning away to numb out
hurt and longing so we know what love is
we know why it matters what it does for
us and what responses make or break our
love relationships this quiet revolution
has all happened in the last 20 years
but can love last the evidence is that
if you know how to do it it can brain
scans tell us that some long-term lovers
brains respond in the same way with the
same excitement as those of new lovers
to pictures of their beloved if you can
reach out and hold on to each other as
you face life's dragons together every
dragon you face makes the bond of trust
and love between you stronger we can
have the loving lasting relationships we
all long for but only if we learn love
sense we have solved the mystery called
love and we can learn to shape it this
is the doorway into greater happiness
better mental and physical health more
secure resilient and confident adults
and more loving partnerships and
Families let's use science to make more
and more of our lives start like this
and move towards this
you