(mellow music)
- Hey, everyone. Welcome back.
Today I am doing a video all about friendships.
I love this topic
because did you know that friendships
are like the least studied relationship
out of everything?
Like, romantic relationships are studied,
family dynamics are studied,
but the friendship category doesn't really get much love.
And these relationships are very important.
They can feel just as intimate and passionate
as a romantic relationship.
It has the potential to be very confusing at times.
But either way, I have gathered some of your questions
that you guys asked me on my Instagram.
So we're gonna be doing a little Q&A.
But before we get into that,
I want to thank our sponsor for this video, BetterHelp.
Thank you, BetterHelp, for sponsoring today's video.
BetterHelp is a service that assesses your needs
and then matches you
with your very own licensed professional therapist
that has been trained to listen
and help you go through your personal matters
your relationship issues,
your family dynamics, all of that.
They've got a huge network of over 20,000 therapists
that cover a huge range of expertise.
This is especially helpful
if you live particularly off the grid
and there's not many options for you.
BetterHelp can resolve that.
Everything is also completely private and confidential.
Getting started is super simple.
You just answer this questionnaire
and then you'll be matched
with your personal therapist within 48 hours.
From there, you can decide
to go to a secure video or phone session.
You can exchange unlimited messages with them.
Let's say you're not feeling your therapist.
BetterHelp make it super simple and easy and free
to change therapists if needed.
They really wanna make sure
that you have a good therapeutic match.
Right now, they're having a offer
for 10% off your first month.
Just go to my link betterhelp.com/jenn.
That's better H-E-L-P.
I will leave that link in the description box.
So please pop that open.
And with that said, let's get into the video.
What are three things you look for in a friend?
So the first quality I look for in a best friend
is probably openness.
I really appreciate when someone is just very open-minded
to different beliefs, lifestyles,
is open to changing their mind.
I'm also referring to an openness with their feelings,
their knowledge, their vulnerability.
I mean, a friendship truly is a two-way street
and if you're not open with me
and you're still feeling guarded,
it's really difficult to get deep.
I feel like with best friends,
I love when any topic is up for discussion.
The second quality that I love in a friend
is someone who can make you feel heard,
someone who has mastered the skill of active listening.
Honestly, deep listeners are becoming
genuinely harder and harder to find these days.
So when you run into one, it's actually so refreshing.
Active listening is someone
who engages in your conversation,
pries a little bit deeper, asks questions,
doesn't immediately try to fix or give advice.
And the last quality that I look for in a best friend
is someone that prioritizes growth.
And this growth can come in so many ways.
It could be a growth in self-development, spirituality.
It could be anything.
I think I just genuinely enjoy seeing my friends evolve
because, ultimately, my friends
have the biggest influence on me, hands down.
It could be like, you know, an influencer telling me
that this is good.
But if my friend says something is good,
I will 100% buy that.
So I wanna make sure that my best friends around me
are inspiring me at some capacity.
It doesn't need to be like,
"Oh, I wanna get motivated all the time."
But just in general, it's nice to see growth and evolution
with the people that you're surrounded with
because it inspires me to do the same.
Do you have a best friend or just a group of close friends?
Man, this question will always pop out to me
because I feel like we have been brainwashed
to think that we need that one singular best friend
that you just crown the title of best friend
and then you guys are just best friends forever.
Life, unfortunately, isn't like that, at least for me.
And it truly is the worst feeling
when you say someone's your best friend
and it's just not reciprocated.
Yeah, that happened to me in middle school.
Totally soul crushing.
I feel like the hack to best friends
is realizing that you can have multiple best friends.
It's not like you have a finite amount of best friend titles
and that you can only, you know, give three
and then you run out.
There is no limit.
The limit does not exist.
And I feel very lucky to have multiple best friends
because my best friends come through for me
in different ways.
There is no hierarchy whatsoever.
I've got a best friend that I can call up
and she'll knock some sense into me.
I've got a best friend
that we can talk about philosophy and changes in tech.
I've got mom best friends now.
I've got a huge range.
I don't know, I feel like I'm just very fluid
with my friendships,
especially because I have such a structured, committed role
with my husband
because that's like, you know, we're our number ones.
But with my best friends, it's always fluctuating.
It's very fluid.
How do you navigate ebbs and flows of a close relationship?
I think it was my therapist who said this,
but she said that every friendship has its seasons.
Sometimes it's spring and summer
and you guys are super connected,
you guys are constantly talking
and doing all these things together,
but sometimes it's fall and winter
and you guys are just more busy and disconnected.
I don't know, I think with my best friends,
I just see things more in like a long-term way
when I know, you know, we're just having our seasons
and I just kind of give it time to breathe.
I feel like if there is nothing that significantly happened,
like if there was not like an event where there was tension
and you guys fought,
then chances are, you know, it's just fall and winter.
It's nothing personal.
I also think that this is the moment
when you should reach out and initiate.
That's what's going to help you get out of the winter season
and back into the spring.
I think this is also when it's good
when you've got multiple best friends
because if someone is busy,
you just call someone else, you know?
That's it.
And then when they're back again,
you're like, "Hey, what's up?"
You know, it's not personal.
As you get older,
you realize people just have their own lives,
especially when people start having families
and they're changing their careers or they move.
In the end, life is just always gonna change.
Do you think you need a formal breakup conversation
when it comes to female friendships?
Again, I feel like it really depends on the situation.
Like if shit really hit the fan and something happened
and you realize like,
"Damn, I cannot be friends with this person,"
I feel like that friendship breakup conversation
is totally warranted.
If it's a situation where you guys are just hanging out
and you guys are friends
but gradually with each hang,
you realize like, "We're just not very compatible,"
then I feel like a slow fade out is very acceptable.
Some of you guys might be shaking your heads being like,
"Jenn, you just need to be honest.
You gotta have that talk."
You do that.
That is your life.
But for me, I like the gradual fade.
I am not trying to add more difficult conversations
into my life when I don't have to.
Generally with friendships, people could read the room.
Like if you realize like,
hey, this person is just not as urgently responding
like they used to,
or they're always kind of busy,
then it just gradually fades.
And sometimes time will pass
and then we're ready to be friends again.
How do you rekindle a friendship?
This is very easy.
You just hit them up.
Friendships are weird in the sense
that this is like the only relationship
where you can see this person like every single day
and then something happens,
like they move or someone gets a new job,
and then you don't see each other for like six years.
And then one day you guys see each other at a bar
and you're like, "Oh my God, let's hang out again,"
and you guys just pick up things
like nothing has ever happened.
That's cool.
I like that about friendships.
One line that I recently used on a friend
that I hadn't talked to in six years,
I just texted her being like,
"Hey, is this still your number?
It's Jenn.
I walked by that bar that we met at
and you came up in my mind.
How are you doing?"
Then once I got her response,
I was like, "Hey, what's your schedule
looking like this week?
If not, what's it like this month?"
And then we just locked in a day
and literally, we had dinner
and it's like nothing ever happened.
How cool is that?
This is like the only relationship in our lives
where we can just do that.
Like, you can't do that with your boyfriend.
You can't do that with your family, nothing.
So I think that was pretty cool.
I think it's just a matter
of just putting yourself out there
and not being afraid of being the one to initiate.
People are really busy.
And in these days, more than ever,
I feel like people are very passive.
I feel like if you're the one who constantly reaches out,
we are a rare breed and things will not happen without us.
Like, if anything, take it with like a cool badge of honor,
being like, "I'm the one that makes shit happen."
Now that I'm in my 30s,
my friendships look a little bit different,
but I feel like the key element is consistency.
There's gotta be some consistency.
I've gotta see you at least once a month.
If not, like at least one FaceTime chat,
or else I just think that we're in like a winter
in our friendship.
And then again, I don't take it personally either
because, ultimately, nothing is about you.
Everyone is just living their own life.
So if someone, if you're having a winter
with one of your friends,
just so be it.
You don't scream out the window being like,
"Damn it, it's snowing."
You just accept it
and you just (censored) move on.
That's it.
And pretty soon spring will start popping up again.
Either way, I feel like friendship
is really about consistency
and showing up when you can.
Ooh, before you leave,
please leave some values that you want in your best friend
in the comments down below.
I love reading those, truly.
All right, I'll talk to you guys in the next one.
Bye.
(mellow music)
(no audio)