-Our next guest has a comedy special
called "Trash White" streaming now on HBO Max.
Making his "Tonight Show" debut,
please welcome the very funny Moses Storm.
♪♪ [ Cheering, whistling, and applause ]
-Oh!
Thank you so much.
Thank you!
Oh, my God!
[ Laughs ]
This is already one of the better birthdays that I've had.
[ Cheering and applause ]
I'll explain.
I grew up very poor.
My mom was a single parent.
She had five kids.
We were on food stamps.
When we ran out of welfare,
we would actually eat from the garbage.
We'd Dumpster dive.
And a lot of people find it hard to believe
that I was ever that poor because like look at this.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Not only do I look rich, I --
I look like I was conceived
at an Ivy League a cappella concert.
[ Laughter and applause ]
♪ She be do wop ♪
♪ My dad owns every university ♪
♪ She be do wop ♪
♪ What even is adversity? ♪
[ Laughter and applause ]
Evil rich, like a King Joffrey, "Game of Thrones."
[ Laughter ] Like I'm only here
to bother Sophie.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ English accent ] You thought you killed me, Sansa?!
[ Applause ]
I hated being on food stamps because the technical term
for a family on welfare in this country
is a food insecure household.
[ Murmuring ] I never like that.
Food insecure -- it just makes a pretty serious issue
just sound adorable.
[ Laughter ]
Almost like the government's like,
"Oh, come on.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Just show us your food."
[ Laughter and applause ] Show it!"
And then I'm like --
[ Laughter ]
Mnh-mnh!
[ Laughter and applause ]
You know, I'm starving, not bashful.
[ Laughter ]
When we ran out of food stamps, we would go to food banks
and, for some reason, all of the food at food banks
was just dented cans.
[ Laughter ]
It seemed suspicious.
Are they doing that
or how are you guys shopping?
[ Laughter ] Were you like, "What is this?
Low sodium corn?
Get outta here!
[ Laughter and applause ]
Not my brand!"
[ Applause ]
Oh, actually, on my eighth birthday,
we were living in this really terrible, hot,
awful part of Florida
called Florida.
[ Laughter and applause ]
And, anytime that we wanted to go swimming,
we would just break in to a fancy condo community,
just so we could use their pool.
And, on the way there,
we'd stop off at the grocery store Dumpster,
like we always did,
[ Laughter ] but it's a birthday miracle.
I had never seen anything like this.
This grocery store threw out
their entire ice cream department at once.
So now, every kind of ice cream that we could never afford
is now in three large trash bags.
My four siblings and I, we waste no time.
Right there, back of the store,
just start shoveling half melted ice cream
into our face as fast as possible,
like little skin-covered raccoons,
[ Laughter ] before it all melts.
And I don't know if you've ever had
to speed eat dairy in the sun...
[ Laughter ]
...but we are not doing well.
Have you ever been so full that you feel it in your neck?
[ Laughter ]
You know that -- [ Mutters ]
Every burp is so high-stakes.
[ Laughter ]
Every burp, it's like it's a contraction
for the barf baby you're about to deliver.
[ Laughter and applause ] It has a pulse.
My stomach is kicking.
[ Laughter ] If I lived in Georgia right now,
it would be illegal to throw this up.
[ Laughter, ohs, and applause ]
[Indistinct]
We get to this fancy pool.
The one downside of this very fancy pool
is it had an infuriating amount of security.
It was way too good.
They had a guard shack security guard,
a roaming security guard,
and just a pool security guard.
Made it not fun.
My mom is like, "Okay, look at me.
Don't worry about it.
Just stick with the regular plan
when breaking in to one of these pools --
[ Laughter ]
all of you kids spread out
as far as possible.
One by one, you enter the pool from different sides.
When safe, we can all meet in the middle.
We're not going to flash mob people with poverty."
[ Laughter ]
The second that I jump in on my side of the pool,
I know I'm going to vomit.
[ Laughter ] So my plan is to just put my mouth
under the water... [ Ohs ]
...just so it won't make a sound and then just --
[ Heaving ] [ Ewws and laughter ]
So much.
It looked like I'd eaten nothing but 700 vanilla lava lamps.
[ Laughter ]
This kid with red hair, he comes to the surface of the pool,
takes his goggles off and goes, "Oh, my God!"
[ Laughter and applause ]
Because he had the full
IMAX 3-D experience below. [ Laughter ]
That causes my older brother Jonah,
who was already not doing well,
[ Laughter ] he turns, he sees me,
and now, he starts vomiting [ Laughter ]
because vomiting is a lot like those inspirational quotes
that white girls will post online --
very contagious and embarrassing
when it slips out of your mouth in public.
[ Laughter and applause ]
So, over here, he just starts,
"If you can't handle me at my worst,
you don't deserve me at my best."
[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ]
That triggers my two sisters, way over here, to, uhh,
"Shoot for the moon.
You might land amongst the stars."
[ Laughter and applause ] And then, finally,
my older brother David, way over here, is,
"If you want a rainbow, you're going to have
to put up with some rain."
[ Laughter and applause ]
There are now five kids simultaneously throwing up
into one pool, [ Laughter ]
which is way too many kids.
I know that because the other rich parents
are now freaking out.
Because we are all so far spread out in the pool,
it doesn't look like some isolated incident.
[ Laughter ] In their minds,
it looks like some sort of violent super virus
has swept over the entire pool, causing kids to explode.
Kids are screaming.
Parents are pulling their kids out by the arms.
There's kids throwing up that didn't even eat
trash bags of ice cream.
[ Laughter and applause ]
I get out of the pool.
The pool is ruined.
[ Laughter ]
And I remember just thinking to myself,
"Man.
This place needs better security."
[ Laughter and applause ]
So this has been one of the better birthdays.
[ Cheering ] Thank you so much!
You've been great. Oh!
♪♪
-How are you doing?
Happy Birthday, buddy.
What a treat!
That is how you do it, right there.
That's Moses Storm.
"Trash White" is streaming now on HBO Max.