- But like I said, I've been with my fella for six years.
It's gone really well.
He bought himself a suit recently.
I don't think I've ever seen him in a suit.
I quite fancied him in his suit, and I told him,
I said, "I quite fancy you in your suit."
And he said, and I quote, he's very smooth,
he said, "If you like, I'll leave it on and sort you out
all good and proper, all posh and that."
(audience laughing loudly)
I said, "You forgot to say Miss Moneypenny on the end."
(audience laughing loudly)
But the only time we ever argue is when it comes
to Christmas, birthdays, present-giving times,
that sort of thing, 'cause he really likes
to buy me surprises, and I really hate surprises.
We've got a bit of a happy medium now, though,
the last couple of years, where I give him a list
of pre-approved surprises. (audience laughing)
Five or six things, he can pick whichever one he likes.
I don't know which one it's gonna be,
so it's still technically a surprise.
He came home a few days before my birthday last year
and he said, "Never guess what I've just done."
I said, "What have you just done?"
He said, "I've gone off list."
(audience laughing loudly)
He said, "I'm not even sure if you're gonna like it."
I said, "Why the fuck did you buy you it then?
(audience laughing loudly)
I mean,
thank you." (audience laughing loudly)
But a friend of mine who doesn't really know us very well,
she said, "Ooh, that sounds like an engagement ring to me."
I said, "No, it sounds like kerplunk."
(audience laughing loudly)
But we have quite busy lives,
as I'm sure a lot of you guys do too,
and when we go on holiday, we like to go somewhere relaxing,
somewhere where we can look at nice scenery and read books.
That's all we really want to do.
My boyfriend doesn't like to fly,
so we tend to stay within the UK,
and because we don't have to pay for expensive flights,
we sometimes treat ourselves to a slightly posher hotel.
And the last posh hotel we stayed in had two baths
either side of each other, and I thought, "Ooh,
we're gonna be able to have really romantic baths together
without having to stare at hairy toes."
That man puts up with an awful lot with me.
(audience laughing loudly)
To be fair, his feet aren't any better.
They're not horrific, they're just, you know, feet.
Nails are a bit long, toes are a bit hairy.
There's crusty bits on their bottoms,
you know the sort of thing. (audience laughing loudly)
I said, "You look like you could pick up mice with those,
they've got a certain sort of owl-like quality to them."
(audience laughing loudly)
But you know, we don't live together, we have a few days
a week together and a few days a week apart,
and when we're apart and I get to sleep in my own bed
on my own, I fucking love it. (audience laughing loudly)
Starfish, I love it.
So, we all love our partners, but when you're trying to get
to sleep, they all do niggly things,
don't they, like breathing.
(audience laughing loudly)
30 years together, is there anything about each other
when you're trying to get to sleep that's irritating?
- Snoring. - He snores, does he snore?
Give us a shout, the people who think that they're a snorer.
(random audience members shouting)
All the people who know they're sitting beside a snorer.
(random audience members shouting)
There's a bit of denial
in the room tonight. (audience laughing loudly)
My boyfriend snores,
and I found out recently that me dad also snores,
'cause I was whinging to me mum about me boyfriend snoring,
and she said, "Have you tried these,"
and then slid something across the kitchen bench
like it was drugs, "Try these."
(audience laughing loudly)
And what they were were those nasal strips.
I don't know if you've seen them, they're little strips
that go across the bridge of the snorer's nose.
They open the nostrils out so that they can breathe
more clearly, and in theory, they don't snore anymore.
Now, they worked for us for a while,
until it came to Christmas.
Now, something you need to know about me
is that I really love Brussels sprouts.
(audience laughing loudly)
My boyfriend doesn't like Brussels sprouts.
So, Christmas, we get a big bag of Brussels sprouts,
and I ate the lot, and I don't mind telling you,
I'm pretty fuckin' toxic. (audience laughing loudly)
So, just before we went to bed on Christmas night,
my boyfriend went, "Do you mind if I don't put
the strip on tonight?
(audience laughing loudly)
I don't want me nostrils to be any bigger
than they have to be."
(audience laughing loudly)
Another thing he does, he puts his arm across us,
and I feel, I kind of like that 'cause I feel
quite sort of safe and protected, I suppose,
but then, sometimes he put his leg across, and I think,
oh, now we are taking the fuckin' piss.
(audience laughing loudly)
The last time he did it, he put his foot,
and remember, I described it not that long ago,
he put his foot on me leg, and he rubbed it up and down.
(audience laughing loudly)
And I went," What you doing?"
He went, "I'm being tender."
I said, "No, love, you're exfoliating."
(audience laughing loudly)
But I told you I live on my own.
My boyfriend also lives on his own.
I think some people think that's quite odd,
that we've been together a few years
and we don't live together, but we sort of feel like
we've got the best of both worlds
'cause we have a few days a week together
and a few days a week apart, and it's sort of ideal.
There was a time that he moved in with me for three months
because he was between flats and it made sense,
and I was fine with it 'cause there was an end date.
I'm a bit stuck in me ways.
I love you, but bye! (audience laughing)
And while he was at mine for those three months,
I worked away for a week, and when I came back,
some things had changed in my flat,
and I said, "Love,
one of the towels smells of bums.
(audience laughing loudly)
You got any idea what that might be?"
Without even thinking, he just went,
"That would be me bum towel."
(audience laughing loudly)
So, when he did eventually move out,
as a housewarming present,
I bought him a small, brown hand towel.
(audience laughing loudly)
It's good because it's brown.
He doesn't have to wash it, he can just crack it
and use it again. (audience laughing loudly)
But when I lived alone, I really liked it.
I really like living alone, but one of the things I love
about living with somebody else again
is I like the unpredictability of it.
I like that every now and again, a sentence will come out
that I would never have said.
The most recent one, out of nowhere, he just went,
"Your shed's no good to have a wank in."
(audience laughing loudly)
And I said, "That's because it's a greenhouse, love."
(audience laughing loudly)
But he is a lovely man, he's lovely.
We were in bed the other day and he got quite animated,
and he shouted out, "Feel how hard that is!"
And I thought, "You bugger, it's Tuesday,
we didn't have this booked in."
It turns out he's talking about the skin on his feet.
(audience laughing loudly)
I thought about taking him to one of those places,
you know those places that are popping up all over
the place, where it's got a tank with the fish in,
and you put your feet in,
and the fish nibble at the hard skin?
You know those places, and I thought about taking him
to one of those, and I thought, "I cannot do that.
The poor little fish, they'll think he's got
fuckin' shoes on. (audience laughing)
I'm just gonna take him to a blacksmith instead."
(audience laughing loudly)
But he's the nicest person I've ever met.
He's a genuinely good man, and in January this year,
I said to him, "You know what, I think it's about time
we started talking about the future."
And that's what I expected from him,
like an awkward silence, (chuckles)
maybe some footsteps as he walked
the fuck out of me life. (audience laughing loudly)
But he didn't, he just smiled,
just really like a beaming grin,
and I was really touched, and I thought, "Oh, my God,
he wants to spend his future with me, yay."
And I said, "Are you sure you're all right
talking about the future," and he went,
"What, like flying cars and that?"
(audience laughing loudly)
So, I had to go and get my eyes tested.
Yeah, to be quite attractive,
better get these fuckers checked out.
(audience laughing loudly)
I've been wearing glasses for 30 years,
and the last time I had them checked, she said,
"You need some new lenses," and I thought I'll treat myself
to some new frames, I'll treat myself, and I got these ones.
I don't know if you can all see them at the back
and upstairs, they're sort of a half frame,
and I got them primarily 'cause they look
a little bit headmistressy, don't they?
And I thought, "Wouldn't it be good to have glasses
that you could wear in the bedroom,"
'cause if you don't wear your glasses in the bedroom,
you cannot see what you're tugging, can you?
(audience laughing loudly)
So, I've been trying to think of some headmistressy things
that I could say that might help the mood, you know,
and I've come up with two,
and I thought before I try them out on me boyfriend,
maybe I could try them out on you lot,
if that's all right? (audience laughing loudly)
So, this is the first one, see what you think of this.
I do like the idea that I can forewarn my boyfriend
that I'm about to be sexy just by moving me glasses.
Brace yourself, pet.
(audience laughing loudly)
So, this is the first headmistressy thing,
see what you think of this.
If you finish that book, I'll give you a toffee penny.
(audience laughing loudly)
Okay, there are pockets of people that like that one.
Not everybody does, that's fine, that's fine.
This is the other one, see if you like this one.
Go and get some sand, Brian's been sick in the hall.
(audience laughing and applauding)
That one seemed to work, good. (laughter continues)
No, thanks for your input.
I'll try that out on him tonight.
(audience laughing loudly)
I'm so grateful for you all to come tonight,
and thank you very much for coming.
I'm gonna leave you on a story.
Me and my fella don't really get nights off together
very often, so when we do, we try to make the most of it,
and went out on, we call them like a date night.
Went out on a date night recently, had a curry,
lovely curry, got in, put a DVD on,
everything going really well.
Halfway through the film, started to get
a little bit amorous, a little bit frisky,
which exposes one of the points of the date night.
Seemingly, we'd forgotten that two hours before that,
we'd had a curry. (audience laughing loudly)
Nevertheless, he went downstairs.
(audience laughing loudly)
I don't mean for a glass of water.
I already told you I live in a flat,
fuckin' work it out. (audience laughing loudly)
The only reason he'd go downstairs is to do the bins,
and that should never be a euphemism for that.
(audience laughing and applauding)
Do you fancy,
do you fancy doing the bins later on?
(audience laughing loudly)
It doesn't work, does it?
No.
So, he went downstairs,
and there's no nice way of saying this to you lovely people,
but I could feel a fart brewing.
(audience laughing loudly)
Nobody knows what to do, do they?
There's no plan of action for this,
so what I did, and I don't really know I did this,
certainly don't know why I'm telling you lot,
similar to in the film "Rain Man", I started going, "Uh-oh."
(audience laughing loudly)
"Uh-oh." (audience laughing loudly)
"Uh-oh." (laughter continues)
And he carried on 'cause, as he told me afterwards,
he thought I was doing an impression of Beyoncé.
(loud laughter and applause)
But we've clearly not got the hang
of the whole seduction thing.
I think that's fairly evident from what I've told you
so far, isn't it, but I walked in on him the other day,
and he was lying on the bed just in his pants
'cause you know how men think that's attractive.
(audience laughing)
And he had one bollock hanging out,
and I thought, "I'm gonna have to pull him on it."
No! (audience laughing loudly)
Question him on it,
not pull him on it. (mimics clown horn tooting)
(audience laughing loudly)
If only they made that noise.
If they made that noise, I'd never leave
the little buggers alone. (mimics clown horn tooting)
(loud laughter and applause)
I said, "Do you know that you've got a bollock hanging out?"
He said, "Yes, I do.
I put it out especially for you."
(audience laughing loudly)
- Hello, I'm Sarah Millican,
and thanks very much for watching my videos.
I'm going on tour with a brand new show
called "Bobby Dazzler".
For all the information about where I'm going and when,
go to SarahMillican.co.uk.
Thanks!