[MUSIC - WAGNER, "WEDDING MARCH"]
You good?
Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
[DOORS CREAK]
[SOBBING LOUDLY]
[SMACK]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
(SOBBING) She looks absolutely incredibly.
[SOBBING LOUDLY]
Can you help me with my boutonniere?
Yeah.
And be honest.
Is my suit too snug?
[SMACK]
It's fitted.
Yeah.
But I think-- does it button?
Does the belt go--
I'll help.
Tim-- what?
I told you to get your suit tailored.
You look ridiculous.
I thought you said, get it from Taylor.
No, he's huge.
I know.
[SIGHS]
(WHISPERING) Hey, cross your arms.
(WHISPERING) I would if I could.
Keep smiling, girls.
It's just misting.
It's really not even pouring.
[SMACK]
[THUNDER CRACK]
It's fine.
Everything's fine.
It's fine.
We're not going to get struck.
Can we speed this up, please, just a little faster?
I want everybody's eyes right here.
What's unique about a circle, unlike any other shape,
it's got no end to it.
It just keeps on going.
Like this sermon.
[SMACK]
"And took a hammer in her hand and went softly unto him
and smote the nail into his temples."
[SMACK]
So he died.
(UNDER HIS BREATH) Oh, my gosh.
Got one more illustration.
Please stand up on this chair.
I want everybody to pay attention to this.
[SMACK]
Pull me up there.
That's hard, isn't it?
Watch how easy it is to pull someone down?
Did everybody see that?
Do we need to see that again?
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh, no, the circle's forming.
You get in there.
[LOUD CLUB MUSIC]
[CHEERING]
[SMACK]
Whoa.
Woo.
Hey why don't you get in there?
Man, that's not really my thing.
Oh.
Oh, hey.
One, two, three.
[CHEERING]
[SMACK]
[YELLING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Whoa, bro, she looks unbelievable.
Thank you.
She's my better half.
Yeah, she is.
I'm going to honest with you.
I'm having a hard time focusing on anything else.
The curves.
Yeah, those curves.
[SMACK]
Don't stare too long.
She is mine.
Hey, guys I'm Ty.
Welcome to "How to Tie a Tie," with me, Ty.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, get to the point.
[SMACK]
Argh.
--come out on the top.
But there's a traffic jam.
So--
[YELLS]
Amateur.
What, were you like born in a tie shop?
Pink tie loser.
Never lock your knees.
[CREAK AND LOCK]
Ha, please.
[CREAK AND CRASH]
[GASPS]
[SMACK]
I bet he locked his knees.
Definitely.
Oh, you guys look so beautiful.
Soak it in.
It goes so fast.
Snake!
[SCREAMS]
A snake!
[WILD LAUGHTER]
Oh, a snake.
[SMACK]
1 Corinthians is the Book of Love.
[FART SOUND]
And in the Book of Love, it talks about--
[FART SOUND]
OK, that one's hard for me to play through.
[LOTS OF FART SOUNDS]
Oh, I'm so sorry, guys.
You know that thing's only got one weakness.
[SIZZLING]
Get down, get down, get down.
[WHISTLE]
Oh, god.
[FIREWORKS EXPLOSIONS AND WHISTLING]
[LAUGHING]
The prank bros.
Best man, will you please present the ring?
(WHISPERING) I'm going to be honest with you, man.
I don't have it.
Use this one.
It's my wedding band.
It doesn't matter.
It's fine.
Hey,--
[MICROPHONE WHINES]
--everybody, could y'all look up here?
I hope you enjoyed that free dinner.
My wife did go back to work so we could pay for all of this.
[SMACK]
My name is Tara.
I deserve this mic.
I have some things to share on our special night.
We're so glad she's marrying somebody
with a relatively short name, Ryan Swanini?
Sweeney.
We didn't need a dating app to know that we both fit.
I'm not going to lie.
I didn't really prepare anything for you, dude.
I totally forgot.
This could take a while.
[SMACK]
Oh, sick.
[BEEP]
[BEEPING]
[CHUCKLES]
I mean, no kids yet, but just feels
like a missed opportunity.
[BEEP]
Hope it's a girl.
Allergy free?
We're definitely going to want a dog someday.
Hold still.
[BEEP]
[CHUCKLES] Thanks.
What a nice looking red oak.
Yes, somebody got us the golden doodle.
I already have a dog.
Oh, yeah, I forgot about that one.
[DOOR CREAKS OPEN]
Oh, we're already behind.
Remember, this is your day, my plan.
[SMACK]
You, move that van over there.
Get moving, or I'm going to stuff
those flowers in your mouth.
And are we ready for the hair?
I already did my hair.
Oh, not how I would have done it.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Sorry, guys, page is a little stuck together.
[SMACK]
Today, we're celebrating two people coming together.
Am I pitting?
A little bit, but it's all right.
We're going to keep going.
[DOOR OPENS]
Oh, I'm sorry.
[SMACK]
Nice dress.
(UNDER BREATH) It really makes up for your hair.
Now, they make me say this part.
If anybody objects to this marriage,
speak now or forever hold your peace.
You can do that?
[SMACK]
Oh, we have a hand raised.
Couldn't find a spot for me up there, Spark?
Ty, I haven't even talked to you since the Myspace days, man.
Just so you know, she only married you
for your good looks.
You keep my soon-to-be wife's name out your mouth.
I didn't say your wife's name.
And who do you think you are?
I am.
Get him out.
Where did you get this guy?
What is he, 50?
Come after me.
I'm a man.
I'm 40.
And not only that, but you two have the audacity
to schedule a Texas outdoor wedding--
Yeah.
--on July 18 at 3:30 PM.
Security, get him out of here.
[YELLS]
[SMACK]
Give me these flowers.
You were so slow.
Oh.
Oh, get out of here.
Oh.
Give me that guitar.
What are you--
Hey!
Oh.
[SMASHING GUITAR]
Hey.
Hey!
Aren't you going to do something?
You heard her.
Are you going to do something?
Somebody, get in there.
[YELLING]
[THUD]
[PUNCHING]
Oh.
[WHOOSHING]
[PUNCHING AND KICKING]
[KNOCKING]
[CREAK]
[PUNCH]
[LAUGHS]
World star!
We out here.
Do something.
I got it.
[CAMERA CLICKING]
No, just stay seated.
It's OK.
I promise, everything's fine.
[YELLING]
[SMASH]
[WHISTLE]
Stop that man.
He's ruining my wedding.
It's not your wedding.
[YELLS]
[SMACK]
Police!
Get--
[SMASHING GLASS]
Oh.
[CRASH]
And the bride has entered the Chat.
[THUD]
I tried to stop him.
I'm so sorry.
[WHOOSH]
[CRASH]
[YELLING]
Smack down, pow-- dream wedding.
Hey.
[YELLING]
[WHOOSHING]
[SPLAT]
Yeah, baby!
Take a seat, pal.
(MOUTHFUL) Oh, that cake's really good.
[ENGINE ROARING]
I'm so glad we left.
Yeah, me, too.
You look so good in white, though.
Stop it.
[YELLING]
[SMACK]
[ROARING ENGINE]
[YELLING]
[CRASH]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
For their first act of marriage, the bride and groom
would like to partake in their unity
Skittle pouring. (LOWERED VOICE) Did I say that correctly?
(WHISPERING) Yeah.
(WHISPERING) OK, go ahead.
They've chosen yellow and green, signifying sunshine and grass.
[SMACK]
For their next act, they would like to mix their quesos.
It's very beautiful.
And for their last act, they would like to bond for life
in the style of Avatar, by connecting of their braids.
Do you feel anything?
Not really.
Maybe we're not meant to be together.
Yeah, but we already mixed the quesos.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
You guys ready for this?
Yeah.
[CHEERING]
[SPITTING]
Yeah.
Let's make it happen.
[SMACK]
Come on, baby.
I've got a million things to say about Luke.
I just wish I could find something
that was actually good.
[CHUCKLING]
And I look up, and I see there's no way I'm going to reach it.
(TEARFULLY) He wraps his arm around me, and he lifts me up.
And finally, I can reach the Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
I grab it, and it's one of the greatest days of my life.
I can't believe this.
Yes, let's go, man.
(TEARFULLY) Let's hear it for the bride and groom.
Yeah.
All right, repeat after me.
I, John, take you, Emily.
I, John, take you, Rachel.
[NEEDLE SCRATCH]
[GASPS]
[SMACK]
Yeah, man, our DJs canceled at the last minute.
So we got these new guys called DJ Double Vision.
No.
(WARPED VOICE) DJ Double Vision.
[LOUD CLUB MUSIC]
Yes, I love them!
[SMACK]
Woo, this is my dream.
Who are these guys?
DJ Double Vision.
And they're incredible.
[SMOKE BLOWING]
[CHUCKLES]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
You ready?
Got the wedding video.
Just came in.
Here we go.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
(SINGING) Will you let me into your life?
Gosh, it was such a pretty venue.
So fun.
(SINGING) --your only love.
[CRUNCH]
(SINGING) --you see truly--
What was that?
[SMACK]
Is your hand in the way?
(SINGING) --just reach out and take my hand.
What on Earth?
How much did we pay for this video?
Like $15,000.
(SINGING) You are the one.
You are for real.
[CREAKING]
You are everything--
Is she flirting with the cameraman?
--take you, Rachel.
[SMACK]
Oh, my goodness.
(SINGING) --my dream is coming true.
It didn't even get the kiss.
[EXASPERATED SIGH]
(WHISPERING) I do.
"Congrats on the wifey, bro"?
This is complete garbage.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
OK, you ladies ready?
Yeah.
Sure.
OK.
[CHUCKLES]
[BELL DINGS]
[PANTHER SNARLS]
Hey.
[SMACK]
[STRUGGLING]
I got it.
You and me, baby.
[PEW]
[FAST RUNNING FOOTSTEPS]
[SMACK]
[CAR HORN]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[CHEERING]
Congratulations!
Are you kidding me?
Thank you all.
Oh, man, this is incredible.
Oh, I love it.
[SMACK]
[HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING]
Woo, yeah.
Oh, oh, woo.
Oh.
[CHEERING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[SMACK]
[WHOOSH]
Dude Perfect.
And so I says to him, Keith, I say, I don't want just one.
I want the whole thing.
[LAUGHING]