Before I had ever even heard the terms introvert and extrovert, I found it difficult to make
sense of why I didn’t seem to thrive in the same environments as some of the people
around me seemed to. I thought no one would understand if I declined going out somewhere
for, what seemed like, no real reason. When you’re 14, 15, 16 and it seems like most
other people want to “do stuff” all the time while you don’t, saying something like
“oh, yeah, no I’ll have to decline because I just want to go home and do absolutely nothing”
can make you feel kind of weird.
I do want to say that, I don’t even know that I’m particularly fond of the words
“introvert” and “extrovert” to be honest, because it sorts of implies that it’s
black and white; as if a person is either or, when in reality, it’s a spectrum where
you’re either more introverted or extroverted.
I also think it creates this sort of box of expectations where if someone is acting in
a way that contradicts the general belief of what being “an introvert” or “an
extrovert” is, it kind of invites statements such as “you don’t act like an introvert
because you… xyz” as if there is a checklist of behaviors that must be crossed off in order
to qualify. I just think it creates misperceptions.
But for the sake of simplicity, I’ll keep using those words throughout this video, but
I just wanted to get that out there.
So, I’ve been trying to find some sort of way to kind of define what introversion means
to me in practice in order to better understand myself. I know I would’ve wanted to come
across a video like this growing up, or even now. I think learning about how other people
view the world can be very valuable, so, here are some of those things.
It’s known that introverts tend to prefer environments that are less stimulating. We’re
stimulation minimalists, so to speak. That kind of sounds weird but it’s an easy way
to look at it. For instance, I remember at one of my last workplaces (which was an office
job, cubicles, aka 8 hours of small talk) we’d have “afterwork” i.e. drinks and
socializing, every Friday and sometimes during the week.
When you’re introverted and you’ve already spent that many hours in a highly stimulating
environment, all you really need is your own peace and quiet. Mind you that I use the word
need and not want, because that’s really what it can feel like. And that doesn’t
have to do anything with disliking your job or your collogues—it’s just that socializing
on top of socializing, or put differently, stimulation on top of stimulation, often times
equals total exhaustion for a lot of introverts.
Like I mentioned earlier, when I was younger, I thought it was weird to say “no” for
what seemed like no valid reason. But as the years have gone by, I’ve learned that, I’m
the one who decides what a valid reason is for myself. And if the people around you don’t
understand that, I think you should have an extra look at who you’re surrounding yourself
with.
Casual friends, casual conversations. I can do it for some time, and I might, possibly,
even enjoy it, but not for too long, because it makes me feel like I could’ve spent that
energy on something else instead. And yeah that might sound kind of snobbish, like, oh,
introverts think their time is more valuable than everyone else’s. No. It’s as simple
as the fact that different people prefer to spend their time in different ways.
Someone who’s extroverted might consider sitting by themselves for hours just getting
lost in thought as “a waste of time”, while for someone who’s introverted, that
might be considered valuable time. Neither is more right than the other.
Now, that doesn’t mean that introverts can’t handle “casualty”. Actually, none of this
is about what anyone is and isn’t able to handle at all, it’s simply about what’s
preferred and what makes you feel good. Technically, I could handle doing to dinner with a group
of 15 strangers, but unless I felt a connection to someone there, I’d probably feel really
lost and even lonely. It’s the “feeling lonelier in a room full of people than I do
alone” kind of situation.
But, on the other hand, I could connect with someone, and there’s probably nothing more
fulfilling than the feeling of being able to talk to someone for hours and just feel
that link. Or sometimes, talking very little or not even at all, yet, it just clicks. I
mean, they might be a bit put off because I’ll want to talk about their childhood
and set up a 5-step program to solve all their problems, but that’s probably more of an
INFJ thing rather than an introvert thing.
This one is probably the most important thing that I’ve learned to understand about myself.
I think as human beings, finding outlets to express ourselves is essential. It’s through
self-expression that we get to communicate our ideas and thoughts about the world and
everything in it.
When we express ourselves, we learn about ourselves, which then helps us navigate through
life, to make better decisions for ourselves and to get clarity. And there are so many
different forms of expression, art, dance, talking is the obvious one. But one of the
most powerful tools, in my opinion, is one that basically anyone can do: writing.
Now, I always talk about what an important role writing plays in my life, I’ve been
journaling for 15+ years and I recommend everyone to get into it. And as someone who expresses
themselves better in writing, it's important for me to constantly feel like I'm improving
the way I express myself and to become more confident, and I’ve found that using a writing
assistance tool can really come in handy.
I’ve been using Grammarly, which is also the sponsor of this video.
It’s very easy to use. You just add it to your browser, and it helps you across the
web. Grammarly's free version provides basic and grammar spell checks, but upgrading to
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Depending on what it is that I’m writing, I choose between different levels of formality,
emotional tone, intent and more—and being able to customize it like that according to
my needs is really useful.
For instance, if I just want to write down my feelings, I can choose “describe” as
my intent; when I write for my videos I’ll sometimes go with “telling a story”. If
I’m writing an e-mail, I’ll usually want to sound more formal and so on.
So, when in the editor, I just write in my text, I see how it’s performing, and I just
adjust it accordingly depending on what it is I want.
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Now, although there’s comfort to be found in identifying ourselves with certain labels,
such as introvert and extrovert, I think it’s important to remind oneself that it should
be used as a way to lift us and not limit us, which is probably one of the most important
things that I’ve learned and that I try to remind myself of.
Learning about yourself and finding out that you belong to a certain group of people (be
it introversion or a personality type or anything like that) is comforting, no doubt, it makes
you feel like you belong somehow.
But I don’t think we should identify so closely with something that we don’t even
bother searching for anything outside of it; a sort of fixed mindset that makes us less
likely to step out of our comfort zone, something I believe to be really important in order
to grow.
For instance, if you value deep relationships but hate small talk and therefore avoid trying
to get to know people overall, you’ll be missing out on those potential relationships,
because small talk is usually how most conversations start out. What I’m trying to say is, I
don’t think it’s a good idea to miss out on life because
you don’t want to be uncomfortable.
I also don’t think we should identify so closely with something that we feel like we
need to adhere to certain expectations about what that label means. Like, you don’t need
to love books and hate parties to consider yourself an introvert.
There’s been times in my life when I’ve loved going out every day and where I’ve
gotten to know lots of new people. There’s been times when I’ve loved staying in every
day, and I haven’t talked to anyone but my plants. Does that change my nature? Of
course not. It just means that I’m human, not a one-sided object, and neither are you.