- In a third world resort, you can take your glass Heineken
and walk into the ocean for all you care.
Evelyn laughs)
Nobody stops you.
The servers come, "Can I clear your empty glasses here?"
Yeah, I left it in the ocean it's just right there,
go pick it up, go pick it up.
And then they have the nerve to have a service charge
in a first world resort, I'm like what service?
- That's very true. - What service?
I realized something. - What?
- There's a big difference between the first world resort
and a third world resort.
You know? - What do you mean?
- Where I went to the UK, a British spa place,
that's a first world resort. - Uh-huh.
- But in Malaysia, the beaches there.
You can go to like a third world resort,
developing country, right?
Third world resort and the service is so much better.
- Uh-huh.
- Holy shit, I'll be just sitting, lying on the beach
and I'm thirsty, there's always somebody in the corner,
staff in the corner.
You just look at them, they come over.
"Can I help you, sir?"
And then you just get a Mai Tai delivered to the beach.
They'll be wearing shoes.
You have to have proper shoes walk on the beach
with with their little shoes, - Aww, poor, poor guys.
dress shirts, deliver you a Mai Tai.
- Poor people.
- "Would you like this charged to your room, sir?"
Yes, yes, charge my room, please.
I don't have my card with me.
Delightful service.
First world resorts, I want to get a drink
I have to go to the cafe.
(groans) They're so slow. Nobody deals with you.
You call reception, it rings and rings
and nobody picks up.
I dialed zero so many times.
In a third world resort it rings three times
and somebody picks you up.
And then you enter,
you get to the third world resort
somebody comes by with a little buggy, you know,
the golf buggies, take your luggage,
drive you to your chalet. - Yeah, they drive you.
Over here, like, "Ah, yeah, it's over there.
Do you see that large field?"
- Yeah, they point!
- Your suite is right at the end over there.
Sorry, our bellboy's not working today.
Our porter's busy, so, are you okay taking a Lift?
And you pay less at a third world resort.
All that.
Sometimes, I'm saying,
you have to enjoy the inequality, sometimes.
- I mean, it's so exploitative.
It's like, okay, so first world resort,
you pay to not be disturbed.
That's what you pay for.
But also the way your -
- I pay to not have to put effort into my life.
I pay to have every need attended to.
- The way you're talking about a third world resort
sounds so exploitative.
- It's not exploitative.
Let's not get too dark and social justice-y.
But without that third world resort,
those people would earn a lot less.
'Cause they're still earning a lot.
- Of course.
- We are just, and trying to enjoy ourselves.
I always tip them nice.
- Yeah, you do. You have to tip. You have to tip.
- Yeah, don't go with your white guilt.
Don't go with a Western guilt.
Just enjoy it.
Somebody handing you a Mojito on the beach.
Nice little Asian slave
- Why did you have to add slave!
- Nice little Asian servant.
- Oh my God.
- Also pools here. - Uh-huh.
- In a British resort,
they're always not fully outdoors
because the weather isn't great all the time.
So sometimes it's a pool indoors and it feels a bit shit.
Pools in third world resorts,
there's a bar in the middle of the pool.
Right? You can order a, like a Singapore sling,
just chilling by the pool, your arms on the little,
like the dry area and then you just order.
You just chat up women or men, if you're into that.
And you can see a view of the beach from the pool. Ah.
- And then you can pee in the pool.
You don't have to get up to go to the bathroom.
- That depends on the price of the resort.
- Oh my God. - Another tip.
If you want to enjoy your holiday,
don't pick the cheapest resort.
You'll be with people who also picked the cheapest resort.
So, you need to go like maybe a few steps above.
That's it. You don't need to go too crazy.
But go a few steps above.
- That's hilarious.
Whenever I go to Asia,
I'm so excited about staying at the hotels
because the hotels are amazing.
Just the breakfast buffet.
- Oh! Breakfast.
Don't get me started. - The breakfast buffet.
- First world resorts, what do you get for breakfast?
A continental breakfast.
Oh, cold butter spreads of marmalade.
Cold croissants that's been sitting on the counter
for half an hour. - That's really sad.
- They put it out at 6:00 AM.
And then they have the nerve to tell you
breakfast ends at 9:30.
I'm like, bitch I'm on holiday.
- Yeah, I know!
- My day starts at 11:30.
- They should really,
they should really have extended hours for breakfast.
- Yeah. - Like, honestly.
It's really weird that they don't.
- It stresses me out.
We wake up at 9:20 and I'm like,
oh, shit, shit, shit, shit.
- Yeah. Then you have to run down stairs.
- How is that a holiday?
But a third world resort, breakfast whenever you want.
At 3:00 AM, you want call room service,
they will be there for you.
- They will be there.
That is actually a big difference.
It's like, room service is always around
and also the breakfast buffet.
It's like, when you go in,
they have everything.
They have everything.
And they even have like a little chef
who's just making you omelets all the time.
- Wearing a chef hat.
- And a chef hat, yeah!
- It's oddly formal. - Yeah, yeah.
- As you're eating there with slippers.
- Yes, yes, yes, in flip flips!
- And they're wearing formal get up.
I actually did bring that up to my British friends.
They got a bit uncomfortable.
- Did they? - Yeah (laughing)
- 'Cause they're white.
- I brought them. I brought up how
I'm going to this spa, right?
And I'm like, ah, but you know,
I don't think it's ever going to be as good
as like a third world resort.
You know what I mean?
The guys are dressed in formal wear,
they walk on the sand with their little shoes,
bringing you a Mai Tai straight to you.
And they're like, ha-ha-ha-ha.
And in my head I'm like,
dude, you know exactly what I'm talking about.
You have been there so many times.
And then, just because I painted a picture,
super accurately, now you're uncomfortable.
Don't say third world resort, just say resort.
Like, come on. Not all resorts are equal.
Third world resorts are always better.
- Oh my god that's so funny.
- And then over here,
you buy stuff at a cafe
and they tell you,
oh, you can't bring this to the pool area.
Like, what?! I bought this.
In a third world resort you can take your glass Heineken
and walk into the ocean, for all you care.
Nobody stops you.
- And walk into the ocean (laughing)
- And then the servers come,
"uh, can I clear out your empty glass?"
I said, "yeah, I left it in the ocean.
It's just right there, go pick it up. Go pick it up."
And then have the nerve to have a service charge,
on everything in a first world resort.
I'm like, what service?
- That's very true actually. - What service?
- You poured my drink into a plastic cup
in order for me to bring this to the fucking pool.
Another thing is, that resort is a spa resort, right?
So it's known for their massages and stuff,
but then you have to get the massages at a designated area.
- What do you mean?
- I want them to come to my room and massage me in my room.
- That's pervy.
- It's not pervy! It's a professional place.
- You know what?
- You'll get kicked out
if you are pervy with your massage therapist.
- You know what?
We went to China with my family
and then my uncle's family as well.
And then they were like,
"oh yeah, you can have massages if you want."
Like for the men and for the women.
And I was like, "okay."
So my dad and my uncle wanted massages
and then I went down with them
'cause I was like, okay, let's do it.
And then as we walked in the women were dressed so skimpily.
Like really low cut, really short.
And I was like, this is disgusting.
And then they started massaging my dad and my uncle
and my dad and uncle were like, uh.
And one of them looked at my dad's watch. He wore his Rolex.
She was like, "whoa, is that a real Rolex?"
He's like, "yeah."
And I was like, "okay, I'm done.
I can't do this anymore."
And I had to leave because it was so disgusting.
- Well, you're cramping their style.
- What do you mean cramping their style.
- They were supposed to get a hand job! What else?
- Come on Nigel! (moans)
- Why can't your dad want a hand job?
You're cock blocking them.
- I was cock blocking my dad and my uncle. Yeah.
I'm proud that I was.
- Very annoying. - No.
- Can you imagine how embarrassed your dad must feel
explaining to his uncle, yeah, sorry, my fucking daughter
wants to come along, uh sorry man.
Let's go get hand jobs Francis! Yeah boy!
High five! - Nigel!
- Then you come along, ye-ye-ye-ye-ye.
That's ruining two guys having a fun time.
You go get your nails done with your mom, you know.
- You're the worst.
- You go sit in the little fish pond
where the little fishes come chew your feet.
- They chew my feet yeah. - You do that!
That is your hand job.
Let your dad and uncle have his fun.
If they want a hand job, so be it.
If they don't want it, that's fine too.
I can't fault the women who want to make a living.
I can't, I don't want to fault them.
- I don't fault them either.
I just feel bad for them that that's one of the options
that they have to choose.
- Yeah. sometimes life deals you a shit hand.
Diabetes, 5'9" and a half, prostitutes.
Sometimes life deals you a shit hand.
And you have to figure it out.
They have kids to feed. Do you want them to starve?
- Oh my God. - I'm saying,
Is it that bad for your dad to get a
- hand job on a holiday? - Nigel! Stop!
I'm just saying.
You were a kill joy.
- You know what, I'm proud.
I'm proud that I cock blocked my dad.
God, I hope he never sees this.
- Sometimes, dads want to get hand jobs on holiday.
Newsflash. I don't think your mom's gonna give him
a hand job on holiday.
- Oh my God. Nigel.
Nigel!