OF COURSE, TRUMP'S GOT PLENTY OF COMPETITION TO BE HIS
COMPETITION, AND I'LL GIVE YOU THE LATEST FROM THE DEMOCRATIC
PRIMARY IN TONIGHT'S "DOIN' IT DONKEY STYLE"!
( APPLAUSE )
INTERVIEWED A HUGE GROUP OF CANDIDATES, ASKING THEM ALL THE
SAME 18 QUESTIONS.
CHECK OUT THE GRAPHICS.
THAT'S A LOT OF MOUTHS.
IT'S ALSO THE OPENING CREDITS FOR "THE BRADY BUNCH: OOPS ALL
PARENTS."
JOE BIDEN DIDN'T SIT FOR THIS, BUT WE DID LEARN A LOT ABOUT
EVERYONE ELSE.
AND SEEING THEM ALL TOGETHER RAISED SOME NEW QUESTIONS FOR
ME, LIKE, "WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?
SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS YOUR NAME?
AND I'M GONNA SAY...
DAN?
OR SEAN?
COME ON!
THESE TWO ARE EXACTLY THE SAME GUY!
THE "TIMES" ASKED THE CANDIDATES SOME LIGHTER QUESTIONS.
>> WHAT'S YOUR COMFORT FOOD ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL?
>> WHEN YOU'RE A VEGAN, THAT MEANS LOTS OF VEGGIES ON THE GO.
>> COFFEE.
MY FAVORITE COFFEE IS A MOCHA.
>> MINTS.
>> KIND BARS.
>> I DON'T HAVE A COMFORT FOOD.
I HAVE A COMFORT DRINK, WHICH IS ICED TEA.
>> Stephen: OH, THEY ARE DOOMED.
MINTS?!
ICED TEA?
COME ON.
YOU'RE IN AMERICA!
JUST SAY BURGERS!
OR PIZZA!
OR NACHOS!
OR FRENCH FRIES!
OR JUST CHUGGING ALFREDO SAUCE STRAIGHT FROM THE JAR!
COMFORT FOOD!
( APPLAUSE )
CHOCOLATE JIMMIES.
JUST GO TO TOWN ON YOURSELF WITH A SPOON.
COMFORT FOOD IS WHAT YOU EAT BECAUSE YOU RAN OUT OF XANAX.
BUT ONE CANDIDATE HAD THE RIGHT TAKE ON COMFORT FOODS.
>> GLASS OF WHISKEY AT THE END OF THE NIGHT?!
THANK YOU, SENATOR!
THANK YOU, SENATOR GILLIBRAND, THANK YOU FOR FINALLY
RECOGNIZING WHISKEY AS A FOOD.
IT IS MADE OF CORN AND IT IS MY ONLY SOURCE OF FIBER.
THE CANDIDATES WERE ALSO ASKED HOW THEY'D HANDLE THE CRISIS OF
CLIMATE CHANGE, AND THE BOLDEST PLAN CAME FROM
CONGRESSMAN ERIC SWALWELL.
>> FIRST AND FOREMOST, I WOULD HOST, IN THE UNITED STATES, A
CLIMATE SUMMIT.
>> THERE'S THE FIGHTING SPIRIT!
(AS SWALWELL) "THIS COULD END CIVILIZATION AS
WE KNOW IT, SO I'VE RENTED SOME CONFERENCE ROOMS AND ORDERED
SOME ICED TEA AND MINTS."
( LAUGHTER )
CANDIDATES, "WHO IS YOUR HERO?" AND A LOT OF THEM PICKED THE
SAME GUY.
>> POLITICALLY, I WOULD GO WITH LINCOLN.
>> ABRAHAM LINCOLN.
>> CERTAINLY ABRAHAM LINCOLN.
>> Stephen: KIND OF A COP-OUT.
THAT'S LIKE SAYING "MY FAVORITE BAND IS THE BEATLES,
MY FAVORITE WEATHER IS SUNNY, AND MY FAVORITE THING TO DO WITH
MY LUNGS IS BREATHE."
( LAUGHTER )
CHOSE A HERO A LITTLE CLOSER TO HOME.
>> UH... MY WIFE >> MY WIFE.
>> MY WIFE RIGHT NOW.
>> IN MANY WAYS, MY WIFE.
>> WOW-- I MEAN, RIGHT NOW IT'S, LIKE, BAKER MAYFIELD, THE
QUARTERBACK OF THE CLEVELAND BROWNS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( APPLAUSE )
QUARTERBACK OF THE CLEVELAND BROWNS?
TIM RYAN, THE ONLY WAY IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE IS IF HE HAD
SAID-- I DON'T KNOW, THE LAST GUY'S WIFE.
SHE SEEMS GOOD."
TIM RYAN DID BRING UP HIS WIFE WHEN ASKED WHERE HE WOULD GO ON
HIS FIRST TRIP AS PRESIDENT.
>> EUROPE.
I WOULD GO TO EUROPE.
IN FACT, I ALREADY TEASED MY WIFE THAT WITHIN THE FIRST FEW
WEEKS OF GETTING SWORN IN, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GO TO EUROPE
AND REALLY REBUILD OUR ALLIANCES IN NATO.
>> Stephen: WHY WOULD YOU TEASE YOUR WIFE LIKE THAT, TIM RYAN?
( LAUGHTER )
GOING TO TAKE BAKER MAYFIELD.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: THE CANDIDATES WERE ALSO ASKED ABOUT THEIR
NIGHTTIME ROUTINE.
>> HOW MANY HOURS OF SLEEP DO YOU GET A NIGHT?
>> NOT ENOUGH.
>> JUST ENOUGH TIME TO BE ABLE TO HAVE DREAMS AT NIGHTTIME AND
VISION STATEMENTS DURING THE DAYTIME.
>> Stephen: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?
"I'VE GOT DAYDREAMS AT NIGHTTIME, NIGHT DREAMS AT
DAYTIME, AND WHEN PIZZA'S ON A BAGEL, YOU CAN HAVE PIZZA
ANYTIME."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TRUE STORY.
>> Jon: YEAH, IT'S NICE.
>> Stephen: STEVE BUT A BIG GROUP OF THESE CANDIDATES IS
STILL POLLING AHEAD OF DONALD TRUMP.
HE'S CURRENTLY LOSING TO JOE BIDEN, BERNIE SANDERS,
ELIZABETH WARREN, KAMALA HARRIS, AND PETE BUTTIGIEG."
OR AS TRUMP CALLS THEM: (AS TRUMP)
"SLEEPY, CRAZY, POCAHONT-Y, PROSECUTE-Y, AND THE GUY WHOSE
NAME STARTS WITH 'BUTT.'" WITH AN ADVANTAGE THAT LARGE,
THERE'S NO WAY THE DEMOCRATS CAN SCREW THIS UP...
IS SOMETHING ONLY PEOPLE BORN AFTER 2016 WOULD SAY, BECAUSE
LAST WEEKEND, WE GOT A WARNING SIGN WHEN THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY
TRIED A LITTLE TOO HARD TO APPEAL TO THE YOUTHS WITH THIS
TWEET REFERENCING A THREE-YEAR OLD BEYONCE SONG:
"THIS IS A WHOLE MOOD.
TEXT 'BOY BYE' TO GET THIS EXCLUSIVE WALLPAPER."
THAT, OF COURSE, WAS THE WORK OF THE DEMOCRATS' HEAD MILLENNIAL
OUTREACH, MORRIS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
COME ON!
COME ON, DEMOCRATS.
THE FUTURE OF OUR COUNTRY IS AT STAKE!
DON'T BLOW IT TRYING TO BE HIP!
THIS IS LIKE IF PAUL REVERE STOPPED MIDRIDE TO TWEET,
"ISN'T MY HORSE LOW KEY THICC THO?"
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
NAOMI WATTS IS HERE!
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK: MEANWHILE!