Hey, everybody. Welcome to "Corrections: Remote."
Because I am vaccinated...
but not Jacksinated -- vaccinated against Jackals.
We are gonna do Corrections here in a stranger's apartment.
Um...
This is basically a month's worth of Corrections
because the last one we did was right before Christmas.
And pretty -- pretty big boner by me early on,
saying that the "Mona Lisa" was painted by Michelangelo,
when a lot of you seem to think it was da Vinci,
but they're pretty --
they're pretty hard to tell apart, those two.
I mean, especially when they're not wearing their bandanas.
You know who my hero in a half shell is?
Botticelli.
Um, more art-history flubs.
We talked about Edvard Munch's "Scream."
I said the guy in the painting wasn't screaming;
he was reacting to a scream.
A very wise, well-informed Jackal sent me something
I'm gonna read you right now
clarifying exactly what was happening in that painting.
They wrote, "In fact, Munch wrote a passage in his journal
prior to the painting.
'I was walking along the road with two friends.
The sun went down. I felt a gust of melancholy.
Suddenly, the sky turned a bloody red.
I stopped, leaned against the railing,
tired to death as the flaming skies
hung like blood and sword
over the blue-black fjord and the city.
My friends went on.
I stood there trembling with anxiety,
and I felt a vast,
infinite scream through nature.'"
Overdramatic Munch?
[ Laughter ]
I mentioned Thomas Jefferson...
as an inventor.
And people took issue with that.
They said, "I think you meant Thomas Edison
or maybe even Benjamin Franklin."
But I'm here to tell you --
Thomas Jefferson was a very accomplished inventor.
Polygraph.
Not like a lie-detector polygraph,
but a poly-- where you can write a letter in duplicate
'cause the pens were connected.
This is all at Monticello, the home of limoncello.
And so the polygraph.
The swivel chair was Thomas Jefferson.
And the Jefferson disc,
which is a CD that plays "White Rabbit."
[ Laughter ]
There was some confusion based on something
that happened in the last Corrections.
I was talking about the difficulty
of doing a Hugh Laurie impression
while he was playing House,
because then I have to do an impression
of a British person who's then doing an impression
of an American person.
And then I did a Hugh Grant.
People thought I thought Hugh Grant played Hugh Laurie.
That's just -- That was --
The problem there is that "Hugh"
is too popular amongst British actors as a first name.
I know the difference between Hugh Laurie and Hugh Grant.
You've got Hugh Dancy, Hugh Bonneville.
There's a lot of Hughs. There's too many Hughs.
I will say I think Hugh is a perfect --
It's like a per--
It's the perfect British name because it sounds like
what the Dowager Countess would say
if she didn't know a person.
"Have you met Mr. Grant?"
"Hugh?!"
[ Laughter ]
That was pretty good.
Oh, I said the anime series "Sailor Moon" had been canceled,
and I was assured by fans of the series
that it was not canceled; it just completed the story.
This was also true of NBC's sitcom "Animal Practice."
[ Laughter ]
I said the word "timbre." I pronounced it "timber."
I did that thing where I made the error
of pronouncing it the way it was spelled.
A lot of you said my Ric Flair impression was bad.
It was terrible, and I want to apologize
to the Flair family, Flair fans.
What happened is, we -- impression --
Impression camp had to go to remote,
and it's just -- I just don't get the same instruction
via Zoom.
And so there's been, um --
There's been a fall-off.
Okay.
I talked about how Ted Cruz
looks like "a Chewbacca."
Chewbacca is not a species of creature.
Chewbacca is a name.
So shame on me.
That was a Wookiee mistake.
[ Laughter ]
We also showed -- when we were talking about Ted Cruz,
we showed a skateboard photo for a skateboard fail.
Can we -- Can we throw that up real quick, Alex?
And, uh...
someone had -- the criticism they had of this picture
is that the railing makes a shadow,
but the skateboarder doesn't make a shadow.
You know what that means?
He's a Dracula.
[ Laughter ]
Clip It, better known as Clippy.
Talked about the fact that he was introduced in 1997.
I was told by many of you that he was introduced
in Office '97, but that came out in 1996,
which seems like a correction Microsoft should be making.
[ Laughter ]
Okay. We were talking about
how the CDC issued a travel advisory to Canada.
We mentioned this in a monologue,
and a lot of you said,
that's not a map of Canada, that's a map of Georgia.
So I thought, "What?
Why would we put up a map of Georgia
when we were telling a joke about Canada?"
And then I went back and I looked at the joke,
and I realize what happened, which is the CDC
is located in Atlanta, so the graphics departments
thought the best representation for that joke would be
to show the state that the CDC is in,
because what the graphics department often is,
is technically correct and practically irritating.
[ Laughter ]
But that wasn't the worst thing Graphics got me on.
We talked about how there is a
tree named after Leonardo DiCaprio
and that that tree is dating a sapling.
Then we showed a photo of a seedling, which is, um...
That's not the kind of joke we're trying to make here, okay?
[ Laughter ]
About somebody hitting on a seedling.
That crosses the line, and it shouldn't happen.
Apologize to Mr. DiCaprio and all the tree enthusiasts
out there who had to stomach that joke.
Now, in normal times, of course,
what would happen is, I would march down --
I would march down to Graphics, and I would, um...
have a word with them, but we can't do that right now.
I'm here. No need to tell you that.
And so instead,
I set up a Zoom call with them.
Now, a lot of people made jokes about the fact
that you don't have to wear pants during Zoom calls.
Sure. Right? You don't.
But the problem with Graphics is, one, they don't wear pants.
Which wouldn't matter, except they do all their Zoom
calls standing up.
[ Laughter ]
And they also turn their mics on
before they turn on their screens,
and so they make sure --
You don't know what's coming, but they make sure
you're watching.
You know, I start the Zoom, obviously pretty angry.
I'm like, "All right, guys, let's get this started,"
and they're like, "Are you there?"
I'm like, "Yeah, I'm there. Let's get this going.
Turn on your cameras."
And then it's just like, click, click, click,
and you see...everything.
[ Laughter ]
I mentioned that horse pudding,
the flavor was Chocolateriat. And then, well, you guys,
you can see that the flavor actually says "original."
And, um, that's on me because I did not give --
I did not give our props department enough time.
I asked them to make me this horse pudding.
And by the time I asked them to change the label
from original to Chocolateriat, it was too late.
And this was -- because it was...
Sometimes, again, when you have meetings in person,
I feel like you you don't miss as much.
But, again, this was all done via e-mail and text
'cause I'm not in the office, and so when I ask them
for horse pudding, they didn't just, like, buy
chocolate Jell-O pudding and change the label.
They...
I don't even want to say this,
because, like, if somebody from PETA is watching,
I find, like, what they did is disturbing.
[ Laughter ]
I asked them for horse pudding, and I got horse pudding.
[ Laughter ]
I don't want to talk any more about what happened.
[ Laughter ]
Okay?
It's been a hard week.
For everyone.
And with that said, pretty excited
to get back into the studio on Monday, and...
keep watching, keep looking for the flubs.
And let's try to make this year, 2022, a big year
with the fewest corrections ever.
You guys are gonna see me next week.