So today, we're doing a video about narcissism, about lying,
and about blame shifting.
And it's really important for us those of us
who find ourselves in a relationship with a narcissist
or who have been raised by a narcissist
to understand these concepts, as well as we can.
Because understanding them can free us.
One of the things that we do when
we are in a relationship with someone who
has high narcissistic traits is that we find ourselves
in these ridiculous crazy making conversations with over,
as well as covert narcissists, and their maddening, right?
And we catch them in a lie.
And we always ask them, why did you do this?
And why did you say that?
Why you're smearing my name?
Why did you tell them that?
That wasn't true.
And the narcissist looks at us like a deer in headlights.
They don't have an answer.
And not at least a valid answer.
And what they do is they blame shift and then
they dig in their heels and they lie even further.
So let's talk about this concept,
so that we can have a better understanding of where
our power lies in these situations.
So narcissists have a very peculiar relationship
with the truth.
In fact, the truth does not even exist in their head.
You can say and see a situation one way like you cheated on me.
And the narcissist comes back with an explanation that
is completely foreign to you.
It's like this is a concrete thing.
I caught you cheating on me.
But what comes back out of the narcissist mouth baffles you?
In the world of a narcissist, the truth
is something that is malleable.
Malleable, it's you're able to mold it, right?
Like in your head if you're a rational person,
the truth is the truth.
But in the world of a narcissist the truth is like clay.
This is one of the reasons they are so psychologically
abusive because your inner reality is such
and you're perceiving a reality and you
think this other person is perceiving the same reality.
But they never perceive that reality as the reality
that you see, which makes you doubt your inner reality.
To a narcissist, the truth relies
on many different factors.
For instance, the truth is not the truth.
The truth is what the narcissist needs
it to be at any given moment.
So you might catch your wife cheating on you.
And she might come back and say, well, it's
not cheating if the other person isn't married.
It's not cheating if I'm unhappy.
It's not cheating if you knew that I was unhappy with you.
It's not cheating if, if, if, if, if, right?
So in your head, we're married.
We never talked about cheating.
We never talked about divorce.
We never talked about separating.
I had no idea you were unhappy.
But I catch you cheating.
And in your head, you're redefining the word cheating
to suit your needs, to suit your reality.
The really intriguing thing is that when a narcissist gets
caught, they don't admit it they did your heels even further
into the ground.
Narcissist split.
In other words, they use black and white thinking.
So in their head, in their world,
in their version of themselves, they're either all good
or they're all bad.
And so to keep the bad feelings at bay,
they have to create this false self.
And along with this false self, they have to create obviously
lies to justify this false self.
And in order to keep the bad feelings at bay, guess what?
They need a victim.
They need someone who's going to mirror back
this false self so they can keep these bad feelings at bay
about themselves.
No.
In the world of a narcissist, things are either black
or they're white, I am either all good or I am all bad.
I think you are all good or I think you're all bad.
There is no in-between.
That's why they can become so rageful and so vindictive.
Because the minute you stop giving them
the sense that you think that they're awesome
or you think that they're special, the minute they
feel slighted by you, you get thrown into the bad category.
Easy.
But neuroscientists have discovered
that lying suppresses the activity in the amygdala.
So lying to a narcissist is like an anesthetic.
When they lie, they feel in control, right?
That's amazing information.
We have to understand that when we're dealing with narcissists,
they can lie so well because it's a soothing agent.
It's like a band-aid.
They do it because it brings their brain
more pleasure than pain.
Not lying equals pain.
Not lying equals I am not good enough.
I am bad.
And I am too close to my shame pit within me.
So I have to lie.
And I have to lie to you and keep
the lie going in order for me to avoid this pain
pit or the shame pit within.
So let's talk about some of the shift blaming
that narcissists do.
And I wrote some down.
And so you'll hear someone say, I would not--
Let's say you catch someone cheating.
I would not cheat if you were more attractive.
OK.
I would not have hit you if you didn't make me mad.
So this is turning the tables on you
and making you think that it's your responsibility
for their poor behavior.
It's not my fault if he kissed me, right?
I've had male clients have told me
that their wives or girlfriends at a bar
have been kissed by a bartender.
And their excuse was well he kissed me.
OK.
Whatever.
It's not my fault if you didn't ask where I was.
And I didn't tell you.
OK.
So that's crazy making communication.
It makes no sense.
You disappoint me, so I have a right to smear your name.
Like what?
Say, what?
So that is what they're trying to do
in that situation along with crazy making communication.
They're using shame.
They know that you have high empathy.
They know that you're highly forgiving.
And they know that you're highly rational.
And they also understand that you're someone
who wants to understand.
So what they'll do is they'll shame you for their behavior.
One of the things that I heard a lot in my lifetime
was the problem with you is all you do
is focus on the negative.
So this is an attempt to shame you
and to make you feel guilty for wanting clear communication,
for wanting to discuss the situation.
When you're dealing with a narcissist,
you will never get from point A to point
B. You have a situation you want to talk about.
Guess what?
Never gets talked about.
We're talking about you.
We're talking about all the defects you have.
We're devaluing, you were gas-lighting,
minimizing you, and discarding you instead
of talking about this topic.
So another one.
So playing off your sympathies would be.
My ex cheated on me and that's probably why I cheated on you.
Now, you're like oh the poor cheated on me
because he was cheated on.
When you accused me of invalidating you,
that's humiliating, right?
So this is playing the victim.
This is turning the tables.
This is playing off your sympathies and your desire
to want to understand this person, right?
But it's a hook they're trying to hook you
and they're trying to get you to feel sorry for them
so they can continue to manipulate you and get
and remain dominant over you, so they can
keep this false image going.
So the goal of the narcissist to make you obviously
doubt your reality.
And in this way, they get to remain superior over you.
So let's talk about some of the lies narcissist tell.
Listen.
The reality is-- This is going to be a short list.
But if you're dealing with a narcissist,
you understand they lie about everything.
They lie about they cannot tell the truth.
And science is proving now that telling
the truth to a narcissist creates
too much pain in their brain.
And so their amygdala gets suppressed.
So they're able to keep their flight response system in check
by lying.
So I'm just going to share some of the lies
that I've heard over my life with you by narcissist.
So I love you more than I love myself.
I would never cheat on you.
We're just friends.
People will be jealous of us, so don't believe them if they
start talking crap about me.
I'm not a liar.
I'm not capable of lying.
I've never felt so connected to anyone before.
I will take care of you forever.
I will never hurt you.
I've never been accused of such things before.
So it's important that we really understand
that narcissism is really rooted in the need to lie.
That's what is essentially narcissism
is rooted in the need to lie.
And some researches are telling us
or evidence is proving that there
are narcissists on the spectrum that know when
they're being manipulative.
And then there are narcissists who don't.
There are narcissists who actually believe
what they're saying, right?
And so when you confront them, what they're doing
is they're defending their truth.
They're defending their reality that they're all good.
And even if they cheated on you, what's going on in their head
is but I'm a good person.
So there's a reason I cheated.
And it's this person's fault that I cheated.
We have to understand that when we're dealing with these
maladaptive personalities, that they believe their truth. ,
They have to see themselves as all good.
And when we confront them with this idea
that maybe they're not also good,
they are going to be vindictive, they're going to be rageful.
The smear campaign is coming.
Triangulation is coming.
If you have a business, they're going to write terrible reviews
about your business.
If you move on to another relationship,
they're going to try to get in touch with the new blood
person, the person you love in your life.
If you have people in your area that you work with,
they're going to go to your office
or they're going to try to connect with them on Facebook.
They're going to do whatever they can to smear your name.
So this is the mark of a wounded narcissist who is for some
reason, or whatever reason, .
You treated them and just for a moment or maybe a few moments
or maybe over time, for whatever reason,
cause them to doubt for a moment that they weren't
as good as they think they are or they aren't
the victim they think they are.
But at the end of the day, narcissist
lacks self reflection, narcissists
must believe that they're the victim, narcissists
thinking black and white.
They see themselves as all good as all bad as all victim.
And not a persecutor.
They're persecuting you.
And they cannot see themselves as being a persecuted.
They can't.
They have to justify it.
So they lack the ability to check themselves.
They lack the empathy for other people.
They'll have empathy for people who play their game.
But anyone that they have-- any type of an issue with that they
feel threatened by, that's it empathy is out the window.
So what you'll notice is you'll notice this stark contrast
with people who have high narcissistic traits.
And it's really sad.
But at the end of the day, we have to know about these traits
and why they are this way so it's easier for us to let go.
I hope this video in narcissism lying and shit
blaming and blame shifting has helped you better understand
what you're dealing with.
And for me, what I've learned to do,
which is very difficult because it happens
is, when you're being lied about,
when you're being abused, when you
are at the end of a narcissists threat,
it could be very unsettling.
And what we have to learn to do is
we have to learn to take the high road.
So in other words, what we do is we accept
that these people exist, we accept that they're angry,
we accept that they're going to go through what they're going
to do and it is what it is.
But what we want to do is we want to stick to the facts,
we want to stick to the truth.
If you have ever seen any evidence
of anything between you and this person that is lying about you
or is lying to you, collect the evidence.
If there are any text messages, any letters,
any emails, anything that this narcissist has ever
done to you any communication, keep the receipts,
keep the text messages, make a copy of everything,
get a journal, create a timeline, talk to other people
so that you can stay rooted in reality
and do what you can to stay unemotional about what's
happening because that's your best bet at being
able to survive this and having the ability to leave it
in your past.
And before long hopefully the narcissist
will also move on as well.
Personally, I think this is a terrible way to live in life
and to lie to yourself and to lie to other people
and have to keep this going.
And this idea, there's so much shame inside a narcissist
is, I have empathy for anybody who's suffering that terribly.
But I also know that having the ability
to label a wolf as a wolf.
And oftentimes, these wolves are in sheep's clothing.
They wear mascara.
They wear lipstick.
They wear a ties and pretty cufflinks, and they smell good,
and they look good.
They're not always easy to spot.
Sometimes they come to us as all twisted people who
seem like in the beginning they want to help us,
they want to support us.
And before long, they're stabbing you in the back.
So I don't think there's anything wrong
with having empathy for people.
But I do think it's a tremendous value
to understand what we're dealing with.
My name is Lisa Romano.
I'm the Breakthrough Life Coach and best
selling author of six books.
And my seventh book will be out soon.
I'm also the creator of the 12 Week Breakthrough coaching
program, the Breakthrough Warrior Membership site,
the Law of Attraction Master Class,
and the Loving the Self video and meditation program.
So I create programs and products
to people who come from alcoholic backgrounds, who come
from narcissistic backgrounds.
I create products and meditations for people
who are suffering with the feeling of invisibility
who don't feel good enough and who are finally understanding
that what's wrong is not them.
It's just the programming.
I created a roadmap out of my own co-dependent dysfunctional
mind.
And what I do online through 12 we
break the coaching program is I share it with people
and I help them get through it and I teach them the tools
that I learned the hard way.
Once you become a member of this well brief the coaching
program, you get to keep the program
for a minimum of three years.
I do suggest that people cycle through it three times
the first year, twice a second year and once a third year.
You get to work with me and my team
online for three months, 12 weeks.
Meet every week on Facebook for a livestream where
I answer your Q&A. If you'd like to jump into a program now,
check out the breakthrough worry membership
site and my loving yourself video and meditation program.
Healing is possible.
And it's your birthrates who love yourself to know yourself,
to know how to protect yourself, and to figure out
how to heal from the past so that you
can create and manifest an amazing future.
Namaste, everybody.
Until next time.
Bye for now.