I'm married but love someone else
HELP!
My name is Coach Natalie and you wouldn't believe how many times I've
been presented with this exact same situation in my one-on-one coaching
sessions. As a relationship coach I've dedicated my life to helping people like
you stay happily committed in their relationships and when you feel you love
someone else, staying committed becomes a real challenge. But if you're watching
this video it's because you are married, you've identified that you love someone
else, and you're finding out what you should do
moving forward. So I'm happy you're here and I'm happy to help.
This is HAPPILY COMMITTED and HAPPILY COMMITTED is a platform we developed for
you at home to give you resources like this to
overcome challenges like this. Make sure you hit subscribe because we release
content just like this all the time for your review so that you can have the
tools you need to move past loving someone else while being married.
The first thing you have to identify if you're married but love someone else
is how in the world you got here. What happened? Where did you meet this new
person? How long did it take for you to discover that you liked them - that you
love them?
Have you been engaging with them? Have
you kept yourself distant? Specifically I want you to ask yourself, "How are you
feeling before - before this other person entered your line of sight, how were you
feeling in your marriage? Believe it or not, studies show that the average person
who engages in an affair does so not because they're sexually attracted to
someone new, but because they feel unappreciated, unloved, unseen by their
spouse. They feel neglected, they feel ignored, they feel overlooked, and now
someone is giving them attention, someone is giving them value, someone is giving
them purpose. And that is what we tend to love. We love the way we feel with this
new person. We love the electricity, we love the attention,
we love the connection. And a lot of those things maybe something you haven't
been receiving from your spouse. So before you say, "I love this person," I want
to challenge you and ask, "Is it this person or this feeling that you love?"
It's by determining the reason that you felt able to open your heart to someone
new that you can start to make a really big decision. The decision is:
Do you want
to save your marriage or not?
Do you want to pursue this new person or not?
Do you
want to come clean to your spouse or do you want them to find out?
How do you want this to unfold?
Answering these loaded questions and
determining the decision that you want to make to move forward is gonna be so
much easier if you really understand how it is that you got here. Don't blame
yourself for getting here but blame yourself
if you don't try to get out. And "out" doesn't always mean staying in your
marriage. But "out" means getting out of this limbo of loving someone else but
being married.
If you feel like it's this specific person that you're after and not just
the electricity and not just how you feel,
I then want you to ask yourself, "But how was it that you felt about your spouse
when you first met them - when they were new, when they were mysterious when there
was so much left to discover about them?"
Did you feel similar to how you're
feeling now? The difference between your spouse and this new person is that you
don't know this new person as well. They might be new, they might be fresh, they
might be spontaneous. But like anyone you spend a whole lot of time with, one day
they stopped being the new person and soon they just become a person - a regular
person with flaws and vices and challenges and obstacles. Are you
prepared to throw away your marriage, someone that once upon a time you knew
was "IT" for you for the hypothetical situation that this new person will
never change into an old person or a regular person or a person who is
grouchy in the morning and a person who will be late for work and a person who
might drive you nuts.
Make sure you aren't leaving your spouse because you imagine this new person will
stay new forever and that just because they're brand new they're your soulmate.
Really think this through before you decide to end your marriage.
I know. Loaded questions. I know that this is hard. It's certainly not easy but
remember, with marriages with relationships, there are seasons to love
and not all of them are spring. Sometimes things get dull. Sometimes we're too busy.
Sometimes relationships get monotonous but that doesn't mean you throw in the
towel because something spicier has caught your attention.
Remember, this new person is another type of season, and eventually you will
see a winter there, too. You will see bad days, you will see monotonous routines, it
has nothing to do with the other person, it has to do with you and the type of
person you want to be and the type of person you want to remember yourself as
3, 5, 10, 15 years from now. Love isn't easy. Love is a choice. And you
can choose to stay committed to your partner. You can choose to move past this
season, this stage in love, and try to reignite the spark in your marriage
instead of calling it quits. Ultimately you're watching this video for a reason,
you haven't left your marriage yet for a reason. It's because something is
stopping you. And don't ignore that thing just because something is sparkling over
there. It's such a big decision because you can't take it back. People say that
the grass is greener on the other side. But in reality, the grass is greener
where you water it. If you put this effort back into your marriage instead
of into this new person, you will see the difference, you will reap the fruits of
this labor, but it's only a decision that you can make. And if you're here on
HAPPILY COMMITTED, you can imagine that we're a movement based on staying
committed. We believe that being committed - HAPPILY COMMITTED - is possible
for the long run. We believe in growing roots in your
relationship and we believe that by growing these roots you unlock levels of
love that you have yet to experience and that you will never experience with
another person outside of your committed relationship.
My name is Coach Natalie
and I would love to hear about what's happening in your relationship. I'd love
to hear about the struggles that you're facing, the burdens the challenges. We
grow through adversity, we grow through struggle, and I want to help you grow
through yours. So I invite you to leave a comment under this video. Let us know
what's going on. The more you can share with us, the more we can help you, and
don't forget to visit HAPPILYCOMMITTED.COM to learn more about how you can
stay HAPPILY COMMITTED in your relationship