- I know y'all can't tell but I'm recently gay.
(audience cheering and clapping)
- Yeah.
You have to clap or you'll be canceled.
(audience laughing)
(laughing) I wasn't even supposed to be over here longterm,
I was just over here doing a little sample trial,
like a seven-day free trial.
Don't put your credit card number in
and I had so much fun I forgot to cancel my subscription.
And I've been here for three years now,
and it's crazy!
Cause being gay is expensive and they don't talk about that.
(audience laughing)
It's expensive!
And I'm picky with my gay, that's the thing.
I'm not gay for everybody.
Very picky, like when ugly girls find out I'm gay,
they be like, "You gay," I be like, "Nah."
(audience laughing)
This has absolutely nothing to do with you, no.
(audience laughing)
I'm not dating a ugly guy, I'm not gonna date a ugly girl.
That's a waste!
If I'ma be gay, I need to be top notch gay.
(audience laughing)
So I went and found me a girlfriend and she's beautiful,
and it's crazy cause I picked the restaurant
for the first date.
We met at the restaurant.
She was dressed up, I was dressed up, it was cute.
We order food, she got food, I got food.
She got drinks, I got drinks.
She was like, "Let's take shots,"
I was like, "Let's take shots."
(audience laughing)
Took shots, she was like, "Let's get dessert,"
I was like, "Baby, let's do it."
(audience laughing)
And then the bill came out, right.
And it got quiet like this.
'Cause at that point we was just two beautiful women sitting
across from each other.
(audience laughing)
And I was confused 'cause I was trying
to figure out who was paying for it, 'cause I knew I wasn't.
(audience laughing)
(laughing) I was like, "I'm not paying for this.
"I don't know what you thinking, but I know I'm not."
So the waiter came back out to the table.
He was like, "Are you ladies ready yet?"
I was like, "We are not.
"We have a problem, give us a second.
"Let's figure this out." (audience laughing)
So I looked at her across the table
and I was like, "Well, since I picked the restaurant,
"I think I should be the judge of this."
(audience laughing)
So I looked at her and then I looked back at myself
and I was like, "Well, my titties are bigger than yours.
"So you the man by default.
(audience laughing)
"Pay this bill and make sure you tip, sir!"
(audience laughing)
(laughing) and she did, she paid it.
She's a great guy, she's a good one.
(audience laughing and clapping)
But Rose switched a little bit recently.
She woke up on her birthday this year and she was like,
"Baby, I know what I want for my birthday now,"
and I was like, "Okay, what is that?"
She was like, "I want you to fuck me with a dildo."
And it was six o'clock in the morning.
(audience laughing)
I was like, I don't know if she had a dream
but it's early.
(audience laughing)
So I was like, "Okay, cool."
So I asked her a question.
I was like, "What size dildo do you want me to get?"
And she was like, "I don't care, just nothing too big."
So I was like, "You want me to go to the store,
"buy a dick, and not get the biggest dick in the store?"
(audience laughing)
Like if you could pick your dick sir,
would you not have the biggest dick in the store?
Nobody buying bottom shelf dicks.
Top shelf dicks only!
(audience laughing and clapping)
My dad is Jamaican, I gotta make him proud, you know.
(audience laughing)
And the dick gotta be brown
'cause it has to match my knees, you know.
(audience laughing)
You don't wanna turn around, see two different colors.
That's like "Ah, that's not what I was looking for," no.
It's not what you want.
(audience laughing)
So I go to the store,
and I see the dick I want.
The dick I want, it wasn't on display.
It wasn't.
It was in the back.
Both employees had to go on break
and go get the dick together.
(audience laughing)
They bring it out to the register.
It was a ten-and-a-half inch brown dick.
I got it.
They rung it up.
This dick was $175.
Did you know dicks cost that much?
(audience laughing)
Me neither, I called it back, I said,
"You know you can go get regular dick for free, right,
"this is expensive!"
(audience laughing)
This is a lot.
She was like, "It's my birthday, I want what I want."
I said, "You're absolutely right."
So I got the dick.
She called me right back, she said,
"I forgot to tell you, when you buy a new dick,
"you have to buy new shoes, for balance."
(audience laughing)
Expensive, so I go two stores over,
I get brand new shoes, $100.
We had a $275 dick package at this point.
So I get it, I go home, I'm ready.
I'm like okay, then I get home and it hit me.
I was like, "I never had a dick before.
"I don't know how to do this."
(audience laughing)
So I took a shower with the dick on for practice.
I took a shower. (audience laughing)
(laughing) I took a shower with the dick on.
I gotta be great at everything I do.
(audience laughing)
Now let me tell you, big dick energy is real!
(audience laughing)
This was one of the best showers I took all year, okay!
(audience laughing)
Big dick energy is so real,
'cause you don't have to bend your back.
You don't have to do too much when you have a big dick.
I'm just in the shower like, yeah.
I could kill with this, I like this.
I'm peeking in and out the curtains looking at it.
I'm like, "Okay, I'm ready."
So I get out the shower, I dry off,
I put lotion on my kneecaps.
You know, you don't wanna give dick for the first time ashy.
(audience laughing)
Put the lotion on, I put my shoes on.
It's time.
So we have sex, I kill it.
I know I do 'cause big dick energy is real.
(audience laughing)
She came of course, I didn't, and I took the dick off.
It's not mine.
(audience laughing)
This has nothing to do with me, this is about her.
So then she was like, "Baby, this was good but..."
And I was like, "But?"
She was like, "But, you hurt me."
I was like, "What?
"You asked for this!"
She was like, "I know but it was so big,
"you moved around something in my insides."
(audience laughing)
And I was like, "Yeah!"
(audience laughing)
That sound like $275 worth of dick to me!
(radio beeping sound effect)