- Hello lovely people
- Hi.
- and welcome to another episode of
Ask Your Lesbian Moms.
That's us.
- That is.
- We are also lesbian moms-to-be.
- Yeah.
- To this little one down here.
- I know if you can really tell
or see my bump that well,
(laughs)
- As this video goes out
Claudia is 33 weeks pregnant.
- Ta-da.
- Yeah.
- This is a boyfriend cut shirt
that I've had for years.
I just wear what I would normally wear.
Why do you have to wear something different
when you're pregnant?
- No I mean...
- I wear a lot of belts.
- You could wear the same thing...
- The belt would be much higher.
- Ya, ya, that's true (laughs)
- Until your boobs start touching your belly,
I'm waiting for that.
- Ya
- Jessica said it's not gonna happen
'cause my boobs aren't big enough,
but I was like well they might get big enough.
- And today's episode
is sponsored by Best Fiends.
One of my absolute favorite mobile games.
So I'm very excited to talk to you about it.
- Yeah, we've actually both had it on our phones
for about the last four years or something.
Haven't we?
- Quite a while. (laughs)
- Maybe longer.
- Best Fiends is a puzzle adventure game
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Top Tip: you collect cute characters as you go,
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So if you're new here, we do a thing called
"Ask Your Lesbian Moms."
Where we...
- answer your questions.
- Yeah, because you know,
sometimes you just need a mom
who you can ask some questions to.
And hey, lots of people in the LGBTQ+ community
don't necessarily have a great relationship
with their parents.
- or know...
- Or an older figure that they could go
and ask some questions to.
She says like she's old.
- or know any lesbians.
- We answer questions on
our joint Instagram at @jesseandclaud
which you can go and follow us
that the link is down in the description
for any questions that you might have,
any advice that you might be wanting an answer to,
- From non-experts
- God's sake,
take everything she says with a pinch of salt.
- Indeed.
- Right. This is one of the most asked things
Every time we do one of these,
"How do you ask a girl out?
- Mhm, that is the most asked question.
- I'm gay and I have social anxiety."
- Yeah. I mean, even if you don't have social anxiety,
I think it's kind of scary asking anyone out.
- Mhm.
- But then especially when
you've just like kind of accepted
or realized that, or, you know,
maybe you've always known that you're gay
asking someone out of the same sex, is scarier.
- Yeah yeah, sort of exposing your own sexuality.
- Yeah.
- Scary.
- Yeah, because you're basically,
not only are you asking them out,
you're coming out to them all in one.
- You are.
- I mean, I don't think this is answering their question.
- Oh no it's not.
- They know what this is.
- But just layering on the upset.
- I don't think Jessica ever asked anyone out in her life.
- I think that's probably true.
- See, did you go around like saying I'm gay,
like on news so people would come and ask you?
- Yeah.
I just told them I was gay and made my interest in them
incredibly obvious and then waited for them to ask me.
- That is one good tactic though, because,
- Oh thank you.
- it doesn't leave you in such
a vulnerable position either.
Because if they like you
or are a little bit interested already
then they'll get the hint.
But if they're totally like not interested,
then they won't get the hint
and they won't act on it.
- Also plausible deniability.
- Yeah.
- If you don't try, you never win.
So if you really, really like someone,
you're going to regret in five years time
that you didn't try,
more than you're going to regret
that they turned you down.
- Yeah.
- So the advice is: if you feel safe, go for it.
The only time you shouldn't go for it
is if you feel like you are outing yourself
and they may put you in a position of danger
by you outing yourself.
But otherwise, you go for it honey.
Do you agree with the idea that
you shouldn't get into a relationship
until you've processed all of your own baggage?
Or do you think that's something you can do
along with a new partner?
- From personal experience,
- (laughs)
- Is that why you were, like,
giving that question to me?
I would say that you can go into a relationship.
It would be a bit unfair to say to yourself,
I can't start a relationship
until I've dealt with my own baggage.
Because sometimes, part of what I think,
a lot of times actually,
part of dealing with your baggage,
being able to get emotional support from someone else,
which is what I got from you.
- Yeah. And I think there are a lot of
traumatized people out there.
And to deny them romance,
- Yes,
- is a little bit harsh.
- And yourself romance saying,
Oh, I'm not worthy of someone's love
until I've sorted out my stuff,
- Yeah.
- is not realistic.
And everyone has some kind of, baggage or such,
it kind of just makes you who you are.
- Healing process.
- I personally think there's an element of trust and
vulnerability that are hand in hand,
and actually to make a good relationship
or know that that's going to be a good relationship,
you have to be a bit vulnerable
and trust that person with your vulnerabilities.
And that might be telling them about some of your trauma,
or baggage, or such.
And then how you deal with it together
is then what makes you work as a couple.
- Yeah, I think if you find that person,
I think go for it.
- Also like, you'll just them when you find them.
- Exactly.
- You can't really choose the time.
- Exactly.
What are your child call your mum and mummy?
Or what do they call you
without there being confusion about who is meant?
We did float the idea of being mummy and Bobby,
because Claudia calls me Bobby.
- Yeah. It's kind of turned into Babba, isn't it?
Babba, Bobby, Bobbs, I call you Bobbs.
Anyway, it's all different types of Babby,
Bobby, Bob, Bobby.
- It's much easier for me to (laughs)
- For that reason alone
I don't think the child should call you that,
'cause sometimes you'll be Bobb
and sometimes you'll be Babbs,
and "Where's your parents darling?",
"My Bobby's over there."
- (laughing)
We have decided to be mummy and mama.
One of the reasons I don't like
my name being rebated to Jess is because
I can't hear it.
So when someone says, Jessica,
all I get is the "ica" at the end,
do not get the start of my name. I can't hear it.
So I think Ma, (laughs)
- Ma!
- Ma-ica! Maca! I'm like yep it's me.
- Maca, maybe it should be maca?
- (laughs) Maybe I should be.
- (laughs)
Okay, we've had a few questions about weddings,
and planning weddings and trying to...
- Yeah, apparently a lot of you
are planning weddings right now.
- Yeah. Well, I guess they will be on hold,
for like, at least a year.
- I know.
- So anyway, a lot of you have asked about
trouble trying to please both sides of family.
Do we have any experience with that?
And would there be any advice,
if we did it over again? Would we change anything?
- Yes. (laughs)
- (laughs)
- Yes. Forget about everyone else.
Would be my number one thing.
Don't listen to what they have to say.
- Jessica is trying to be diplomatic
and not offend anyone.
- (laughs)
- Our advice would be,
which is what we did at the time,
and actually was pretty good,
is effectively, what you're doing is,
you're inviting someone to have dinner
with yourselves and have a lovely day or evening.
Would we go out to dinner, and pay for their meal,
and have a good time with these people?
And if they were like, no,
they didn't get an invite.
(cymbal crash)
(laughing)
Pretty much.
There are some exceptions obviously with family
that you can't do that. (laughs)
- I mean, the joy of Covid though,
is that you're kind of a little reduced to numbers.
- That's true.
- You're like, Oh, what a shame?
- Yeah, you can use that as an excuse.
- However, in the same breath,
the grief isn't worth it, to be honest,
because your marriage is about your marriage,
it's not really about your wedding day.
And if you feel like your mother-in-law
is going to give you a terrible time
for years and years to come,
because you didn't put her favorite flower on her table
while she was eating her dinner, then,
- Don't get married.
- Jesus Christ, put her flower on her table.
Jesus, save yourself that.
- You just did opposing,
- I can be contradictory.
- Yeah. Only think about yourselves
and then you're like.
- It's a flower, it's one flower.
I'm says in a grand scheme of things.
Do you plan on having more children?
- Yes.
- Yes. We do plan on that.
Moving on. A few questions are like,
how do you know you're with the right person?
What was the biggest sign
that you knew each other was the one?
- And one that says, do you think
fast moving relationships burn out faster?
And I'd just like to say, (laughs)
'cause seven years later,
- Yeah.
- we're having a baby, so.
- Yeah, but not because we're bored of each other
and feel like we need to
add a third person into the mix,
- (laughing)
- to make it a little bit more interesting.
On the contrary actually,
we're introducing this person into our lives
and we're having like little mini panic attacks,
- Yeah we are.
- About, but there's going to be someone else,
like, in our lives,
- I know.
- but I'm not sure if I'm prepared for that.
I haven't spent enough time with just you.
- We are very, (laughs)
We are very close to each other. (laughs)
- Questions bout how did we know
we were the one for each other?
Did we ever fear about how fast paced it was moving
and that it would also burn out fast?
- No.
- I did. I didn't think I had a fear
about how fast it was moving, until we got engaged.
Like up until I was like,
"Hey you, will you marry me?"
And she was like, "Yeah!" And I went, "Yeah!"
And then she went around telling everyone
we got engaged after four months
and we've now moved in together.
And for some reason, her telling everyone that,
got me really like, a bit freaked out,
- You proposed to me.
- I know, but I'm just telling them,
- (laughs)
- I got a bit freaked out by it all.
So we had a long engagement.
And I did say,
I did have some cold feet a few times.
- Oh yeah, freaked out.
- I freaked out,
- She fully freaked out a number of times,
- Yeah.
- during our quite long engagement.
- I wanted to call the wedding off, on occasion.
- She made me ask the Official at our wedding,
whether we could have a fake wedding. (laughs)
- (laughs)
- Where we basically go through the motions
of having a wedding but it's not legal.
- Yeah.
- And the woman was like,
- No.
- No. (laughs)
- Yeah. In my mind, I'd like made it like,
oh my God, marriage is such a big deal.
Like, things will change.
It's the same feeling we have at the moment
about having a baby.
- Yeah. Honestly, it was because other people
told us it would be so different,
- Yeah.
- and TV told us, and then movies were all like,
Oh my God, you get married.
And it's this whole big thing.
- You'll lose your voice.
- I felt more like myself
when I was with you then I was apart from you.
- Yeah. I was just, she just sort of made me feel real me.
I don't have to pretend.
I don't think you realize
that you're pretending to be someone,
until you don't have to do it.
- If you've never been in love,
I can only describe it as,
if you wear a bra,
when you take your bra off,
and you get that feeling of relief,
and you're like "ah."
- Great. So romantic darling.
- and you just feel so good. You're like, happy.
- It's going to be your
famous Jessica Kellgren-Fozard quote.
"Love is like removing your bra
at the end of the day".
Will we be raising the children Quaker?
- So, for those of you who don't know,
I am a Quaker,
a member of the religious society of friends,
which is a religion.
And you can click a card,
which is in the top left of the screen now,
to go to a video that tells
you what Quakerism is actually about.
I'm not just pointing at your head.
- I know.
- There's a card there.
In brief, it's based on the ideas of
equality, truth, justice,
simplicity, sustainability.
I would like to raise our children in Quakerism.
And I've always wanted to do that with my own children.
I think it's a lovely way to be raised.
There aren't any Quaker schools nearby where we live.
That's where Montessori comes in.
Had to bring it in. That I can't shut up about.
- I thought at some point I might get a word in,
like to say how I felt about this whole,
- (laughs)
- you know, will we raise our children Quakers,
but then she moved onto Montessori,
so I was like oh I guess that's the end of that topic then.
- No, no, now you go.
- This is what she means by like
we have sort of discussed it.
"I lecture Claudia about it.
And then we move on to the next subject."
- Now you go.
- I was going to say like,
I wouldn't really, I don't have any religion.
I'm not Atheist though. I am more Agnostic.
I was brought up Christian, I have been christened.
And I feel like there's a lot of value
to having some kind of faith and because
Jessica has like a strong faith and strong values
and beliefs of Quakerism as the
core principle of way of life,
then that makes sense for her to like impose,
impose is the wrong word,
- Impose is definitely the wrong word.
- Share those with her children.
If it's like,
Oh, there's a Quaker meeting, let's go children.
And one of them's like, no, then no.
- Then no, of course we don't make them go.
- Oh okay.
- That's how it works.
- Why didn't you go to Quaker club?
No. Then they don't.
- Then they don't.
- Okay, then sorry.
- (laughs)
- How do I find the motivation
to finish my dissertation.
- Honey, come on now. You can do this.
We believe in you.
You've worked so hard to get to this point.
You're really, really close to the end.
All of this effort, all of this hard work,
that finish line is in sight.
You can do this. Let's keep going,
come on, come on,
- Yep.
- Get typing, get typing. We can do it.
- Jessica's advice is giving you a like a little,
- A pep talk!
- My advice was, when I had to write my dissertation
and I just couldn't bring myself
to sit at my computer and type,
but I was just like, you know what?
I just need to get words on paper.
I drank a double gin and tonic,
and then I sat there and just typed
and just try to be like,
don't think about it too much. Just write it.
No one is even looking at this right now.
No one will read this unless you want them to.
So you just type away,
and I maybe had more than one gin and tonic.
And then the next morning,
when I was a bit clearheaded,
I'd go through it
and then edited it.
And it's actually really good
because you just feel like you've got to stuff down.
- Yeah, yeah. That's a good plan.
- You don't have to drink alcohol.
But you know, you just need to like,
the point is you have to just let go
and not get too fixated on it being perfect
and just get stuff on the page.
And then, it's so much easier to work.
And by editing something down.
- Yes, we are in no way encouraging you, to drink.
- But that was my advice, what I did.
- That is a really good plan.
- Tip on multiple things there, on life really is:
Don't worry. It can be edited.
- Yeah!
Do you think people have to experiment
in order to know their sexuality?
I'm struggling to accept my sexuality
because my mom is telling me,
I need to try guys first,
before I can know I'm a lesbian.
What's your opinion on this? Ha ha. Well.
- I mean, actually that's probably quite a good one
to ask us as non-experts and just
purely based on our own personal experience
- Yes.
- because Jessica is only ever, sorry.
- I've never kissed a boy.
- Yeah, she's never kissed a boy.
- Never kissed a boy. I've been near a boy.
- Never near a boy. (laughs)
- Never held hands with a boy.
- Never sniffed a boy's hair.
- Ugh!
- ...as you slow danced, thinking,
"Why do I feel physically sick?"
- (laughs)
That's Claudia's life experience there, coming through.
- (laughs)
I did. I have had boyfriends where
I felt very comfortable, and one I was in love with,
but, one of my first boyfriends,
actually happens to be a gay man himself now,
married with a kid. And when we dated,
I did feel physically sick.
- Your gay pheromones were just like "boing".
- Yeah.
- "Boing" no.
- From my point of view,
I dated boys, but not because I was like,
not sure where my sexuality at the time,
I didn't know my sexual,
I just assumed I was straight.
Everyone's on a bit of a spectrum
and I'm probably more towards the bisexual part
than completely gay compared to Jessica
because I have dated and enjoy dating men in the past.
but then when I realized that
I was maybe interested in women,
I didn't feel like I needed to go
and find someone to kiss
or have some kind of sexual involvement with,
well, I didn't even come out as BI.
I came out as gay.
- I'm a lesbian.
- Yeah. And for me that was like,
I needed to know that in myself
because I didn't really want to do
the whole curious thing.
- See what I think this is really interesting
is that I suppose it seems
like we've had quite different stories,
but we both had the same thing
where we were like, ah, lesbian,
and didn't need there to be someone else involved.
- Mhm, yeah.
- And very much felt that this is a thing about me,
this is about myself,
- Your own personal, yeah.
- my own sexuality. Your sexuality is about you.
And I also equally just didn't need to try a boy,
- Yeah.
- to see whether that was me
because it was a part of me was inside myself.
- In the same way that I didn't feel the need
to try a girl to know and feel confident enough
to tell my friends and family
that I was actually into girls.
- So that wraps up today's
Ask Your Lesbian Moms.
Thank you to everyone who suggested questions.
Remember you can go and follow us
on Instagram at @jessieandclaud
And thank you so much Best Fiends,
for sponsoring today's episode.
We will continue to be
a bit obsessed with their game forever.
If you would like to get involved,
you can click the link down in the description.
You can download it for free.
Not only that,
when you click the link, you get $5 worth
of free gold and diamonds,
in the game, as long as you beat level five.
So, do it. Do it now.
- You got up to like what level? 200 and something.
- Yes.
- Jessica's really talented at these sort of games.
I just like joining the things
and I'm like, "Whoa, I joined."
And then I just like all the animations,
but I don't think about actually the game plan.
- Yeah. And then she just picks up my phone
and she's like, "Oh, I think I'll play...
Darling, I ruined your win streak."
- I lost her winning streak, sorry. (laughs)
- Yeah. We've got to go and be dog mummies now.
But again, thank you so much.
And we will see you in our next video.
- Bye!
- Today our Kellgren-Fozard club question
comes from Ken.
"Can you tell us about one of your
favorite childhood toy?"
The light of my little girl life, my doll Laura,
who I took absolutely everywhere with me.
I insisted that the adults in my life handled
as if she were real baby.
Thus, when I was on and lost her on a ferry to France,
I ran around the whole boat yelling,
"I've lost the baby!"
and they put out an alert for a stolen child.
Don't worry though, she was found,
and my parents were deeply embarrassed.