♪ ♪
>> Stephen: GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND, EVERYBODY.
(APPLAUSE) LOUIS, YOU GUYS SOUND FANTASTIC
TONIGHT. YOU ALWAYS FANTASTIC BUT IT'S
REALLY NICE TO SEE JOE TAYLOR BACK, GOOD TO SEE YOU, MISSED
YOU COWBOY. GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK.
I MISSED YOU, WE HAVE SOME DELIGHTFUL GUEST THERE EVENING,
WE USE HAVE DELIGHTFUL GUESTS BUT THESE TWO, I'M VERY EXCITED
ABOUT. PULITZER PRIZE WINNER, HEAD OF
U.S.A. ID, FORMER U.N. AMBASSADOR OF THE UNITED STATES,
SAMANTHA POWER IS SHEER. (APPLAUSE)
, U.N. GENERAL A SEM BLEERKS U.N. GENERAL ASSEMBLY IS IN
SESSION THIS WEEK, WHICH IS WHY IT TOOK ME TWO HOURS AND TEN
MINUTES TO GET TO WORK THIS MORNING.
I'M GOING TO TRY NOT TO TAKE OUT MY ANGER ON SAMANTHA POWERS.
>> IT'S NOT HER FAULT. >> Stephen: AND ALSO BILLY ON
THE STREET HIMSELF, BILLY EICHNER IS GOING TO BE HERE.
(APPLAUSE) AND FOLKS, I'M SURE YOU HAVE
SEEN ALL THE NEWS ABOUT HURRICANE FIONA THE DEVASTATING
STORM THAT HIT PUERTO RICO ON SUNDAY KNOCKING OUT POWER TO THE
ISLAND, DESTROYING THOUSANDS OF HOMES AND I'M SURE YOU ALL WANT
TO HELP. BUT OFTEN NO MATTER HOW MUCH WE
WANT TO HELP, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WE HERE AT THE LATE SHOW
HAVE PUT TOGETHER A LIST OF ORGANIZATIONS TO WHICH YOU CAN
DO FLAIT TO HELP THE PEOPLE OF PUERTO RICO STVMENT PINNED TO
OUR TWITTER FEED. JUST GO TO@COLBERT DDZ LATESHOW,
GIVE WHAT YOU CAN AND LET YOUR FELLOW AMERICAN CITIZENS IN
PUERTO RICO KNOW THAT YOU LOVE, YOU CARE ABOUT THEM AND YOU HAVE
NOT FORGOTTEN. FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW YOU
KNOW I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE WANDERING THE
FRESH NEWS MARKET GATHERING FOR YOU THE MOST TOPICAL CHARCUTERIE
AND GUINEA HEN EGGS BLENDING THEM WITH A VADOUVAN AND SAVORY
VEEL STOCK AND CHILLING IT IN A HAND-HAMMERED COPPER MOWLD TO
CREATE FOR YOU THE MICHELIN STAR ASPIC GELEE TERRYNE THAT IS MY
MONOLOGUE BUT TIMES I REGAIN GONE SHUSNESS BEHIND THE PICK N
SAVE, BOIL THE GELATIN FROM A OPOSSUMS BONES AND THROW IN THE
LOOSE FLAMIN HOT CHEAT OWES AND SKITED ELS IN MY BOOT POUR IT
ALL INTO A DISCARDED SINKER UNTIL IT SETS TO PRESENT THE
POST APOCALYPTIC JEL OWE SALAD OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT, MEAN
WHILE. ♪ OH MEANWHILE, THAT IS
REFRESHING. MEANWHILE, IN ARKANSAS
PLANT-BASED COMPANY BEYOND MEATS COO WAS ARRESTED FOR BITING A
MAN'S NOSE. WELL, OF COURSE HE DID.
THIS MAN'S ON A STEADY DIET OF BEAN-BASED SAUSAGE AND BEEF
CRUMBLES MADE FROM PEA PROTEIN, THAT WOULD MAKE ANYONE SNAP.
GIVE THE GUY A SLIM JIM BEFORE HE KILLS AGAIN.
THIS NOSE CHOMPING INCIDENTS EXPLAINS BEYOND MEAT'S NEW
PRODUCT, MEAT! APPARENTLY IT WAS A ROAD RAGE
CONFRONTATION IN A PARKING GARAGE AND WHEN POLICE ARRIVED
THEY FOUND TWO MALES WITH BLOODY FACES AT THE SCENE TO WHICH
RAMSEY SAID ACTUALLY IT'S BEAT JUICE, IT TRICKS YOUR BRAIN INTO
THINKING YOU ARE EATING REAL NOSE.
MEANWHILE, THE PRECURSOR TO THE SMILEY FACE EMOJI, THE EMOTICON
IS 40. THE FIRST EMOTICON WAS POSTED TO
A CARNEGIE MELLON UNIVERSITY MESSAGE BOARD ON SEPTEMBER
19th, 1982. THE HE MOT COP REALIZED IT WAS
40 WHEN IT FELL A CLEEP ON THE COUCH WHILE WATCHING A
DOCUMENTARY AND IT WAS FINE WITH THAT.
MEANWHILE-- THAT SOUNDS GOOD. I WOULD LOVE TO DO THAT.
MEANWHILE, ETHEREUM PLUNGED AFTER THE SEC CHAIR SAID THE
MERGE COULD MAKE CRYPTO A SECURITY.
FORECASTERS FURTHER PREDICT THAT I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND ANY OF
THOSE WORDS. (APPLAUSE)
MEANWHILE, STARTING IN 2027 CALIFORNIANS WILL BE ABLE TO
CHOOSE HUMAN EXOSING AS AN ALTERNATIVE BURIAL OPTION.
GREAT. OH SURE, YOU CLAP NOW.
BUT IT IS ONE MORE RECYCLABLE TO KEEP TRACK OF.
HONE! HONEY, I KNOW EGG SHELLS AND
COFFEE GROUNDS ARE OKAY BUT WHAT ABOUT UNCLE RICK?
IS HE COME POST OR DISPOSAL-- . MEANWHILE, IN THE COUNTRY OF
GEORGIA, ARCHAEOLOGISTS FOUND A 1.8 MILLION YEAR OLD HUMAN
TOOTH. ARCHAEOLOGISTS PLAN TO PUT THAT
TOOTH UNDER A PILLOW IN HOPES OF ATTRACTING THE 1.8 MILLION YEAR
OLD TOOTH FAIRY. MEANWHILE, FOLLOWING THE
POPULARITY OF SOME DUMBASS PARTICULAR TOK CHALLENGE THE FDA
IS TELLING PEOPLE DON'T COOK CHICK THEN NYQUIL.
THAT WARNING OF COURSE ISSUED BY THE FDA'S DEPARTMENT OF I GUESS
WE ACTUALLY HAVE TO SAY THIS NOW.
THE FDA FURTHER WARNS THAT BOILING A MEDICATION CAN MAKE IT
MUCH MORE CONCENTRATED AND INHALING THE MEDICATIONS VAPORS
WHILE COOKING COULD CAUSE HIGH LEVELS OF THE DRUGS TO ENTER
YOUR BODY. REALLY, FDA.
IS THIS A WARNING OR INSTRUCTIONS?
BECAUSE-- THE STATEMENT CONTINUED MARIAN-- MARIJUANA CAN
BE DANGEROUS IN HIGH CONCENTRATIONS LIKE SAY IF YOU
PACK SOME DANK NEWINGS IN A GRAVITY BONG AND TAKE THE ENTIRE
CHAMBER THEN HOT BOX THAT [BLEEP] FOR A WAY MELLOW SERB,
ALSO MANAGER HELPS FIGHT COTTON MOUTH, CAN I SMELL TIME.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH BILLY EICHNER!
(APPLAUSE)