So at the end of last year I put out a video entitled "the weird game of this cheese drum
kit."
Broadly, it was an examination of experimental musical performance, and how we might think
of said performance as a kind of social game, how it seeks to examine and poke and prod
at all these different structures, interpersonal relationships and the like.
Now look, I still really enjoy talking about video games in a more traditional sense as
well, but after six and a half years of doing that, this piece—tapping into my musical
passions in a way I've only rarely been able to do on this channel—served as a change
of pace I really needed to just go with, a labour of love, and ended up being by far
the most fun I've had writing a piece in god knows how long.
Going into this, I really did not care about viewcounts on this thing at all.
A prudent mindset perhaps, seeing as the video is my worst performing for a while by some
margin—but ya know, rather than see it that way, I was honestly just thrilled that I could
get nine thousand people to indulge me on a video about free improvisation.
And not only that, the fun I had with it seemed to resonate with that limited audience—I
was terrified to put that video out there, but the response was overwhelmingly positive,
with many calling it my best video.
I worked so goddamn hard on that thing and it was incredibly heartening and humbling
to see that people were willing and able to connect with something they may not have had
much interest in to start with.
So, positive experience all round, right?
Well, yes and no.
In fact, while that video represented feelings of freedom and joy, the reason that it brought
those things to mind is because it also highlighted in no uncertain terms just how exhausted I’ve
grown with the platform otherwise and the surrounding bullshit that one has to deal
with in order to keep the lights on.
It forced me to deeply reflect and ask, is this something I can really keep doing going
forward?
In short, while I remain immensely grateful to have been able to do what I’m passionate
about for as long as I have, YouTube has drained me both physically and emotionally, and I'm
kind of at a crossroads as to where things go from here; whether the channel continues
or I look for something else.
See, I’ve mentioned it a lot before, but the way that you or I might define success
and growth could not be more different from how YouTube views those concepts; countering
those real positive feelings, that pride in your work, with big bold lettering telling
you how badly your video is bombing at all times, how badly you’re failing as a creator
and actively discouraging thinking outside the box, all while being the platform that
claims to care so much about creator mental health.
But you know, I’m used to that by now—no, the thing that really highlighted to me just
how tired I am of this whole process, was the thought that “god, good thing I didn’t
have a sponsor on this one, otherwise I would be freaking out right now!”
Look, I could write a whole essay on the misconceptions around sponsorships and the various shite
I’ve had to deal with in that regard (hell, maybe I’ll write out something more detailed
for patrons), but let me just put it like this—what started as a helpful little boost
to keep the lights on has, over time, left me with pretty deep feelings of unhappiness
around making videos.
And I’m not saying that all sponsor agencies I’ve worked with are like this (a bunch
have been really great and patient, understanding of the creative process and letting me just
do my thing) but overall negotiating and carrying out these deals has become more than a little
dehumanising, demeaning—it’s seen some companies making increasingly pervasive demands
in an attempt to control aspects of the content itself, all while constantly negging people
into taking lower and lower rates (I’ve been told “your channel isn’t doing well
so isn’t worth much to us,” begging the question of why they’d want to advertise
on said channel to begin with), as the at-bursting-point influencer marketing bubble has resulted in
complete, unsustainable saturation; the negotiating leverage squarely in the hands of the agencies
doling these deals out, while creators that, like me, lack representation, are left constantly
worrying how badly they’re undervaluing themselves.
And it all amounts to a situation where, no matter how hard you may have worked on a video,
remaining in a state of perpetual crunch working seven days a week with multiple sleepless
nights; no matter how proud you are of the end product and how many people actually like
it, you still get hit with the double whammy of YouTube’s negativity and the feeling
of not meeting sponsor expectations.
Personally, I couldn’t be happier with where the channel is at in terms of views—I mean
nine thousand people watched that cheese video.
That kind of number staggers me to this day, I don’t know why so many people are interested—it’s
just that that kind of viewcount is not the kind that sponsors are looking for, that the
platform deems as anything other than a failure.
They just want pure numbers, and that mindset grinds you down after a while.
The pride I used to feel publishing a finished project has, thanks to these exterior factors,
turned to anxiety and dread.
The sponsor stuff in particular has had a detrimental enough effect on making the videos,
without feeling like the money being offered is really worth it (pro-tip: you’d have
to be a fool to pursue YouTube for financial gain), that after almost seven years, it’s
gotten me to really examine where I’m at with all this stuff—if there is a future
at all in this.
And look, no one in their right mind expects to be doing YouTube for the rest of their
life (at least I hope anyway), and I promise I’m not trying to moan here or anything—I’ve
just been pragmatically weighing up if my time is better spent elsewhere at this point.
I could leave this, go work at some other place, doing just one of the many jobs you
end up doing when this becomes your full time gig, only working a fraction of the hours
I currently do and making more money for it.
Trust me when I say that’s a pretty harrowing realisation to come to about something you’ve
poured yourself into for well over half a decade.
And yet… that fucking cheese video, completely free from the shackles of corporate or platform
expectations, showed me why I still love doing this—it was freeing.
I do not give a shit about views; I don’t want to become some personality; I just love
digging deep into these weird pockets of art and culture I’m passionate about and presenting
interesting stories about them.
That video reminded me of the old days of doing this, where a smaller but dedicated
audience would actively have to seek out my videos and so were more likely to really engage
with them, rather than the situation you sometimes find once the sub counter ticks over a certain
point, where people instead react angrily to having YouTube force a video upon them.
I think I always kind of mourned that feeling of community that defined a lot about those
early days.
And it’s a community that I have kind of always had with Patreon—where there remains
that ideal that, technically, it doesn’t matter if a video gets a million views or
a few hundred; as long as those patrons are happy, that’s all that matters.
The truth is, of course, a little more nuanced than that (part of why I’ve had to go with
sponsors over the years is that it’s become harder to grow the Patreon over time) but
while I say this constantly (and some of you are probably tired of it by now), I say it
because I mean it—without your support I would not have been able to do this for as
long as I have, and I cannot thank you enough for your continued generosity over all these
years.
So after all that preamble, here’s where I’m at.
I want to make more videos like that cheese kit one, and judging from many comments, that’s
what a lot of you want too.
My vision for the channel going forward is that Writing on Games isn’t limited to video
games alone—there exists competition and play throughout art and culture of all kinds
and, alongside the other, more traditional videos (which I still enjoy making and aren’t
going anywhere), I want to uncover and explore the games that exist all around us.
The problem, as with all creative endeavours worth their salt, is the small matter of sustainability—both
financial and personal.
And that is where you come in.
That Patreon community is where I want to focus my efforts going forward—I already
have various rewards and exclusive content I’ve been trying to build up over the last
wee while and I intend to keep adding to it.
I know it’s cliché to bring this kind of thing up but maybe it’s cliché for a reason—even
with that cheese kit video tanking so hard in terms of views, if just 10% of the people
who clicked on that video and seemingly enjoyed it were to pledge one dollar a month, this
wouldn’t even be a conversation.
I would suddenly have so much more time to really explore the topics I have in mind—I
wouldn’t need to adhere to daft sponsor deadlines or expectations, and also, even
if I did take a sponsor from time to time, you wouldn’t even know because all patrons
at whatever level get access to a separate upload that’s completely free from ads of
any kind.
I do have a few sponsor obligations left in the pipeline, but after that, I’ll be significantly
re-evaluating my relationship with these companies in the coming months.
And I won’t lie, it’s worrying because while the money they offer is frankly pittance
compared to how big these brands are, I still live very much month to month on this stuff
and so turning down any money is a scary prospect.
At some stage though I really do have to consider my health and wellbeing.
I’m in my thirties now—I can’t keep doing this with the same ruthless, blinkered
focus I could way back when.
Speaking of which, I guess I think of this as more of a controversial point than it probably
should be, but I just want to be a bit more comfortable doing this.
Right now, it’s not healthy—like I say, it’s just a given at this stage that I work
absurd hours, seven days a week at this stuff, I haven’t gotten nearly enough sleep in
god knows how long, and am finding less and less time away from word processors, editing
software and, increasingly, contractual back-and-forths.
I need to cut down how much I’m working, and strengthening that safety net of a community
funding this work themselves, as well as the freedom from a lot of the corporate bullshit
I’ve outlined here, will allow me a flexibility I haven’t had since this became my job—which
I’m hoping will ultimately result in a higher calibre of work, even if it’s viewed by
less people.
And to be abundantly clear, I certainly do not think I’m in any way special in this
regard—I mean, it’s kind of astounding how basically every year-end round up I’ve
watched in the last few weeks has had the creator bringing up a similar kind of exhaustion,
of feeling like they need to fight more and more against a platform that wants to turn
itself into TikTok and, unfortunately, will likely continue to punish those who produce
longer, more thoughtful videos going forward.
As I always say in these update videos, if not me, find a creator who has brought you
joy or comfort or informed you about something and consider supporting them.
You know, we’re all in this together.
But yeah, sorry about this weird video—I don’t do this kind of update video very
often because I really don’t like being so blatant in asking for help.
Whatever happens with the channel’s future though, this whole thing remains the most
meaningful endeavour I’ve ever undertaken in my life and I am genuinely unbelievably
thankful for your support in whatever form it’s taken.
I have a lot of ideas for cool, leftfield things going forward and I’m hoping I get
to realise them, but only on terms and a timeline that’s comfortable for me.
If that sounds cool to you, then consider supporting.
If not, that’s cool too.
Either way, I’m off to work on other videos—thanks for watching, and I will see you all next
time.