No matter how good of a speaker you are, all of us have left a conversation or more likely an argument thinking, “that could have gone better.” For most of us, it’s just because we aren’t able to gather our thoughts when things get heated.
Nobody likes to think back later that day and realize that they had the perfect comeback or reasoning but just weren’t able to get there in the moment, but it doesn’t have to be that way!
Luckily for us, experts have been able to crack the code on why so many people’s thoughts get jumbled up when we get heated, which is why today we’re presenting 10 ways to articulate your thoughts clearly during an argument.
Make sure to watch until number 1, because it’s one of the most helpful tips for arguments we’ve ever seen!
Number 10: Lose the Filter!
Now this doesn’t necessarily mean that you should be flying off the handle during an argument, but it does mean that being honest and straightforward can directly correlate to a clearer thought process. Let us explain.
You probably know some people that say “like” or “um” a lot when talking, and while this may seem like useless filler, it actually is an indicator that the person speaking is not being direct with you.
So if you’re arguing and find yourself using these kinds of “fluff” words, it not only slows your thinking process down as you search for the perfect word, it also may come across as you being unsure or even less knowledgeable on what you’re talking about!
Try to lose the filter and argue honestly instead of trying to find the perfect sentence to stump the other person; all that’s doing is more harm than good.
Number 9: Know your opponent.
This may seem obvious, but if you know anything about the person you’re arguing with, and most likely that’s the case, then you should try and tailor it to that specific person.
Even if you have all the facts in the world, if the other person says something that shocks you, it’s going to throw your mind into a tailspin that might derail you.
There’s a huge difference between a person that is trying to argue with facts and logic and a person that wants to yell or become emotional.
Being prepared for the type of person you’re arguing with will allow you to relax and stay on task easier.
It has also been found by most specialists that people prepared for an argument are much calmer and more collected than those that have them sprung onto them out of the blue.
Number 8: Let your words flow steadily.
It’s important not to get ahead of yourself in many things in life, but especially when you want to express yourself clearly.
It’s really common to find yourself stumbling over your words if you are rushing to get them all out in rapid fire succession.
Try to pace yourself, and even enunciate more deliberately than you typically would so that you force your brain to slow down and take your argument one step at a time.
Some people say that you should imagine your words like a river, and your mind a raft; you want a smooth, consistent current and not choppy, abrupt waters.
While there is no “right” way to argue, there are definitely wrong ways to communicate your emotions, and so rather than wondering if you’re speaking too slow or too fast, just try to stay consistent at whatever pace you naturally find yourself.
Number 7: Record yourself.
Now this one requires some planning, but studies have shown that when people record themselves speaking their mind they can often be shocked at how they sound played back.
If you think you are heading into an argument with your boss or a friend, hit record on your phone and put it in your pocket.
Listen to it back later and you’ll find that you maybe weren’t doing as hot as you thought, or that you made better points than you realized.
The key here isn’t really even to care about the message but instead to track how your brain works under stress, and to find ways to identify weaknesses or areas to improve down the line.
Number 6: Find a phrase to give yourself room to breathe.
Like we talked about earlier, you don’t want to use empty words or space-fillers when arguing, since this implies that you are thinking instead of letting your mind flow freely.
That is not to say that you must always be in attack mode, either, and it is equally important to give your mind the opportunity to respond to accusations or statements when they come up.
Psychotherapist Lynn Gabriel recommends coming up with a phrase to be able to collect yourself and respond intelligently instead of in a heated way.
Something like “I don’t have an answer for that right now but I will” can give your mind a chance to come up with that perfect answer during the argument and not hours later when your brain finally has a chance to think things through.
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Number 5: Recognize if you are becoming emotional.
A surefire way to lose an argument is by letting your emotions get the better of you, but it is also not a good idea to completely cut yourself off from them.
Arguing can be difficult, and usually either you or the other person is already entering the conversation a bit emotional to begin with, which can overshadow valid criticism you may be trying to articulate.
When you start to feel the signs of emotion taking over, there are some tried-and-true methods to calm yourself down, like counting to 10, giving yourself a pep talk within yourself, or inhaling deeply.
When you’ve calmed yourself down, you can continue to express your points clearly.
People will sometimes tune out those that they think are speaking from a purely emotional perspective, and while this may not be entirely fair, in the heat of the moment it is more important to seem like you are on top of the situation rather than it overwhelming you.
Number 4: Acknowledge their point of view.
While most people can understand that the person arguing does not share the perspective that you are trying to share, a lot of people stop their thought process there.
Unfortunately, that's probably harming you when you’re in the heat of the moment.
This is because if you can’t acknowledge their point of view, you are going to spend valuable thinking or being confused about their perspective instead of trying to convince them of yours.
It’s rare that two people are arguing just for the fun of it, and so realizing that the other person is having just as hard of a time in this confrontation as you are can help relax you and realize that coming to a solution is more important than being right.
Number 3: Decide what is worth mentioning.
Angry thoughts are usually referred to as “seeing red” by people because they literally feel so blinded by their anger that they no longer see reason or are even aware of how they may be coming across anymore.
Seeing red is sort of a point of no return for most people, since calming yourself down mid-argument is no easy task.
That’s why it's super important that you let go of thoughts you may be having that are resentful or that won’t help articulate your side of things.
Try to comb through your brain to only bring up things that will help better your argument, and especially stay away from retaliating, bringing up the past, or dragging in separate arguments that don’t apply, as that just makes it harder to stay on track.
While this can be hard since the other person may not be applying the same rules to their own argument, you should try to avoid sinking down to their level and instead try to raise them up by pushing them to defend themselves with facts and logic instead of pride and ego.
Number 2: Don’t let questions cloud your judgment.
If you are arguing with a person and they bring up something that you don’t fully understand, or that you can’t see how it's related, speak up and ask right away, as the moment to respond is short, but the space it takes up in your mind if you don’t ask will just make it harder to respond.
Most people are bad at arguing, and so it's a real possibility that the other person either misspoke or is coming from a place of hurt or emotion rather than logic.
Asking them to clarify or even calling them out for not being logical will help you remain in control of yourself and not get dragged into a pointless screaming match.
Number 1: Use “I” statements.
This one is a classic, but has helped countless people argue better and in turn get their point across.
Instead of accusing people, which will only make them defensive, try starting your sentences with “I”.
For example, don’t say, “You were mean to me,” but rather, “I felt like you were being mean to me”.
This will force the other person to ask you why you felt that way, or ignore it, but either way you successfully articulated both your thoughts as well as your emotions, and that honesty is much easier for your mind to spit out than some overly confrontational statement that will just end up in more arguing.
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