- A friend of mine was at my house
and I told him I'm gonna do stand up again
and he said, "Really?"
And I said, "Yeah, I was hoping for more of a really!"
But it was really.
And I said, "Yes, why?"
And he said, "Well, do you think you're still relateable?"
(audience laughing)
I said, "Yes I do think I'm still relateable.
I'm a human being."
And he said, "Well, I mean your life has changed so much."
And I said, "I know, but I still think I'm relateable."
And anyway just then Batu, my butler,
stepped into the library.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
So I'm sitting in the solarium eating my breakfast
and I was on my third or fourth bite
of cubed pineapple that Batu was feeding me.
And I said, "Batu, I'm not hungry.
I've lost my appetite,
my friend has really upset me by what he said."
And he said, "Well then I shall draw you a bath ma'am."
(audience laughing)
And I said, "You don't have to announce it
all the time.
Just draw the bath."
(audience laughing)
So I'm sitting in the tub
and I'm looking out the window with the rose garden
and Tatiana was tending to the roses.
And I knocked, ma'am.
And anyway I get out of the tub.
And Batu had forgotten to put the towel
next to the tub, again.
And so I had to do that bath mat scoot
all the way across the bathroom to get to the towel.
And it's a big, you can imagine how big
the bathroom is.
It's like (audience laughing)
doing the bathmat scoot.
And then I stopped and I was like,
oh my God.
This is relateable.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
- I came home early from the road.
I had a 12,000 dollar suit on
'cause life's been going good.
(audience laughing)
And I got home early
and dinner was cooking.
You ever come home when dinner's cooking?
Doesn't it smell good?
And my son saw me and he was like, dad's home!
And he got up from the table
and ran over to give me a hug,
but he had chicken grease all over his face.
So I stiffed on him like,
yo, yo, yo, yo, my man, my man.
(audience laughing)
Watch these threads son,
this is an expensive suit.
I don't want you to get the chicken grease
all over me.
And he was like, what the?
Chicken grease?
Dad, this is duck.
(audience laughing)
A tear came out of my eyes.
I never dreamt that I'd do so well in life
that I'd raise a nigger with duck grease
all over his face.
(audience laughing)
- I know my life has changed drasticly
but it wasn't always like that.
And the reason I'm telling you this
as a famous person you sort of read about yourself,
you know, gossip and Twitter and everything.
And one thing kept cropping up,
even as I was preparing for this talk.
It was saying, oh, oh he's out of touch.
He's so famous, he's rich, he's mega rich.
I am.
(audience laughing)
I could have this place burned down for a laugh.
(audience laughing)
No, but they say things like,
oh he's an observational comedian.
How can he say things that relate to ordinary scum.
(audience laughing) And I say,
I say don't call them scum, all right.
But even the papers, they try and get around to it.
I do interviews and they're always gonna say,
oh, do you always fly first class?
I go, no, often private.
(audience laughing)
And the number of times I've answered this question,
they say, do you know how much a pint of milk is?
It's meant to make you look out of touch
and I don't know, but that's irrelevant, all right?
(audience laughing)
Next time a journalist asks me that
I'm gonna say I don't know, mate,
but here's a grand.
Run and get me one will you?
(audience laughing)
Is that enough?
That enough, yeah.
(upbeat jazzy music)