As a parent,
you wanna make sure that you care enough about your kids to find out what their
unique values are, and then help them fulfill that. And as it changes,
then help 'em again,
First of all, every child, every child that I've interacted with
loves learning,
but they may not be interested in learning what they're learning in school,
but it's a natural curiosity in every child to wanna learn.
But they have a unique set of priorities, a unique set of values,
things that are most important to them,
that they are engaged in and want to fulfill and love doing.
Now,
if they can't see how the classes they're taking in school
is helping 'em fulfill that, they're not necessarily gonna be engaged in school,
and you're gonna be having to motivate them and push them and remind them and
all that,
which is a symptom that they can't see how the classes they're taking is gonna
be meaningful to what's important to them.
Now we have this tendency as parents to think we know best.
And many times what we call caring to our children is actually protecting them
from our past wounds. Instead of clearing our own wounds,
we try to project onto them things that we've been wounded by to stop them from
going through it. But in fact, we literally draw into our life,
our children to express those wounds to make sure we get past our own wounds.
So don't confuse your own wound resolving with caring,
cuz sometimes we're doing is we're trying to protect ourselves by projecting
expectations on the kids.
Find out what your child is inspired by spontaneously.
And I don't mean just the things that they're disengaged by because they're
uninspired by having to go to class,
I'm talking about the things that they spontaneously wanna do and wanna learn.
You know, there's something in every child that's something that's spontaneous.
You know, it was Terence Tao the great mathematician that his mother said,
you know, he's not interested in school, he's not interested in this,
but he's interested in math for some reason, he wants to do numbers.
He's one of the greatest mathematicians in the world today because of that.
And Jacob Barnett the same thing, he wanted to do,
he used to draw stars and draw cosmos and look at the sky,
and he's one of the great astrophysicists today.
So your child automatically spontaneously has their own set of values.
If you haven't gone on my website,
drdemartin.com and done the Value Determination process,
you may wanna do that with your own child.
And don't just assume what it should be. You know,
don't come from the 1950s and 60s that your 'child has got a blank slate,
you're supposed to give them their values,
this is what they're supposed to do in life.' Otherwise you're gonna help them
fit in and be just an average person, living with a herd and not stand out.
Are you sure you really want that? Sometimes people think, well,
they need to be obedient, but being obedient is not the,
what makes people great. As you know, as Steve Jobs said, it's the misfits,
the square pegs in a round hole that sometimes make the biggest difference in
the world.
I wouldn't classify Elon Musk as somebody who's an average person that's just
fitting in, he's somebody that's got his own courage to go out and be himself.
So what I'm saying is that they have a set of values, find out what it is,
and then whatever you really truly believe will help the child,
whether it be education or other experiences,
take the time to respect them enough to communicate what that is in terms of
their values and they'll be receptive. You know,
we go around and we go to people and individuals go out and do sales training
programs for customers,
and they learn how to identify people's needs and establish
those needs,
confirm those needs and then offer services that match those needs so they can
sell. And they don't think anything about it.
They think about that's normal to do that in business,
but that's exactly the same thing with your children.
Your children are customers and the school is now a product seller and
you're a seller. Anything you want your child to do,
just know that if you respect and find out what their values are and communicate
in their values they're gonna be more receptive. I'm amazed.
I had a gentleman in Sydney,
Australia that was came to my evening talk one time. And he says, you know,
I got this eight year old kid, he's just driving me crazy. He's just,
he's just disobedient as heck and this and that.
And he was just griping about it. And I said,
what is the child's highest values? He goes, I have no idea.
And we identified what it was right on the spot,
we just stopped the seminar and I just addressed it. And I said,
and showed him how to communicate his values and how to find out what's really
inspiring and look at what he really loves doing.
And the next time I came there, about three months later,
two and a half months later, he was in the front row with that little eight,
almost nine year old boy now and the mother. And it was like,
he had his arms around him and he says, what a difference that made,
I've labeled this child, I put titles on him, attention deficit,
defiant, and all this other stuff. No.
Those are not the truth about the children.
Those children have something that's deeply meaningful to them and they're being
squashed.
They're not being honored and respected for some of the things that they're
wanting to do.
And they can't see how these things are gonna help them get what they want.
I personally believe, and I've gone to schools and many schools, and I've said,
I believe that every child, when they go to school, deserves to know what it is,
how this class is gonna help them fulfill their values,
what's gonna be important.
And some of those children wanna go and be a rockstar, and some of 'em wanna be,
you know, a model and somebody want to go and be business leader
and somebody wants to be a brain surgeon.
Some of 'em already know what they wanna gonna do,
but if they can't see how those classes or what they're expected at home or
anything that's being imposed on 'em,
if they can't see how that's going to help them get what they want in life,
they're gonna resist. They're gonna fight.
And it's because of disrespect in the communication to children.
And just imagine if they were an adult and they were somebody of high risk
reputation and they were paying you, how would you treat 'em?
You'd be surprised.
They might have a different outcome if you took the time to think about that.
You know,
if I know what's important to them and I can talk in terms of that and show 'em
how whatever I want them to do in terms of out, I'll get them more engaged.
Otherwise you're gonna have to be doing reward and punishment.
The lowest level of motivation for kids is reward 'em if they do,
punishment if they don't.
But if you can show them how specifically whatever's happening in their life is
helping them get what they want in life,
they get engaged or whatever their responsibilities at school or
responsibilities at home are. But if you talk in terms of what they value,
they'll listen, they'll get engaged.
But if they can't see it and you don't see it, and you do it,
you're gonna be an autocrat and an autocrat's gonna end up having a backfire,
because the more you end up being an autocrat, the more they resist,
cuz they wanna be able to do, they wanna be honored, look,
every human being wants to be loved and appreciated for who they are and who
they are is an expression of what they value most. And whatever their value is,
even though it may change in different phases of life,
whatever it is at that moment that's deeply me meaningful to them.
My son loved video games. He's now a video YouTuber.
He's got 50,000 people viewing his YouTubes today. You know,
that's not wrong. Whatever they value is not wrong or right.
Nobody's values are right or wrong. That's the illusion.
And what most people do is they're immature enough to go and project their
values and expect the world to live in their values. As a parent,
you wanna make sure that you care enough about your kids to find out what their
unique values are and then help them fulfill that. And as it changes,
then help 'em again, cuz it will change over time. Or maybe it won't.
Maybe it's gonna be very consistent. Since 17 years old,
I wanted to be a teacher and travel the world, that hasn't changed. And I know,
I met a gentleman in South Africa that was three years old he wanted to be a
brain surgeon. By the time he was 13,
he was already working on it and already studying brain surgery and doing the
things that he could for brain surgery.
Already watched somebody do brain surgery. He knew what he wanted.
So find what it is because it may not be what you thought.
I had a gentleman in Brisbane,
Australia who brought his son to an evening talk I did on children,
engaging children. And he came, he drove like six hours to get there.
And he came there and he says,
I got a son that's been kicked out of literally three schools.
He's not inspired by school, bored to death. He won't participate.
And I turned to the kid, he was sitting there. I said,
what do you love doing every day? He said, cars. I said, what do you,
tell me about, what do you know about cars? I know a lot about cars.
And I started chatting with him. I said, you know what? Your heart is in cars.
I said, look at how you fill your space, is your room filled with cars?
The father said, that's all he's got all over the room.
He's got posters everywhere, he's got models everywhere,
he's got magazines on there. Cars. I said,
do you spend your time focusing on cars? Every day he said. I said,
does it energize you to think and do and focus on cars and watch cars? Yes.
And if you get money, do you put money into car magazines,
or car models or whatever, and looking at cars and going by and watching cars?
Yes. And when he is driving around with your dad,
is he staring and looking at the different cars going by? Yes.
And is all your cars in your room organized? Yes.
Got all the different types of cars I've got. Great. And I said,
are you disciplined to focus on that?
Does anybody have to remind you to focus on cars? No.
And I went down my Value Determination process,
which is on my website and it was clear cars was important to him.
I told the father, I said, look, he's not inspired by the class.
He doesn't see how the classes are gonna help him do it. My advice,
get him into a car dealership and let him go and sell.
Let him go and develop his way. Probably in a few years,
he'll be a multimillionaire having a car dealership. Well,
that's exactly what he did and that's exactly what happened.
He knew what he wanted at a young age,
but he was trying to be fit into what's average.
And not all educational systems are really meant to create leaders,
they create drones to make 'em fit in,
to make them be obedient to society, to make them good little citizens.
And that has a place, but it may not be for your child.
Your child may have some leadership role that's sitting there wanting to express
itself and be a genius and wake it up.
Every time a child is feeling that whatever they're doing is helping 'em fulfill
their highest values, they wake up their creativity, their innovation,
their genius,
and they want to go out and be of service to people and solve problems.
But anytime you squash that,
the blood glucose and oxygen goes in their brain down to their amygdala and they
want immediate gratification. If you see a child that's disengaged,
uninspired and says, I don't know, I'm not and I can't,
they're disengaged because they're feeling suppressed and they can't see how
what they're doing is helping 'em get what they want. The second you,
then you gotta depress child then you stick 'em on medication,
then you give them a label. It's crazy.
Find out what the child really loves.
Find out what's inspiring to the child and let it evolve.
If it changes in two years, fine. It's okay. That's their journey.
Look back at your own life.
You had to go through a few gyrations probably to find yourself in the journey
too. It's okay, some kids know right away,
they already know what they're gonna do. Some may not.
Some may have to go through a few trials and errors,
but look at what their life is. Do my Value Determination process,
look at what their life demonstrates and know that if the second they can see
how what they're doing is helping 'em fulfill what's meaningful to them,
they will be in their executive center, they'll have self-governance,
they'll have self-control, they won't be distracted, they won't be impulsive,
they won't go to immediate gratification.
They're less likely to do drugs and alcohol and parties and then get, you know,
pregnancies and all kind of crazy stuff that happens,
because those are symptoms of unfulfillment.
And you're now looking for a quick fix and a dopamine fixation in the brain to
compensate for an unfulfilled life. Immediate gratifying, compulsive, impulsive,
addictive behaviors are compensations for unfulfilled, highest values.
The second you get your child back onto what's important to them,
they will get engaged and be inspired. I've seen it, watched it.
So let's take the time to find out what your children's values are.
Let's find out how, whatever we are going to ask them to do,
we're going to take the time to respect them enough to communicate how it's
going to help them. Don't assume they're supposed to know,
find out and articulate it and work with them and ask questions and
wake it up and so they can see that doing school will help them get what they
want, or maybe going after the path that they wanna do.
I had a mother that was very frustrated with her 23 year old son.
He was sitting in front of the TV.
Now she was paying for things and he didn't have any accountability so he didn't
have to go and make money. And she didn't realize she was doing that.
But at the same time, he was in front of the TV for six hours a day.
So she said, well, you need to go in there and straighten him out.
And so I went and chatted with him and I said, your mom's on your case huh?
He goes, yeah. I said, what do you love doing? What are you watching on TV?
And he goes well, I'm very much into those PSI, those
forensic solution solving crimes and stuff. I said,
is that what you love doing? And he goes, yeah.
Is that what you want to do in your life? He goes, absolutely.
He knew what he wanted to do.
And his mother was thinking he was just lazing around watching TV doing it.
I came back out. I told the mother, I said, you know what?
Let's find a curriculum that allows him to become a forensic scientist.
Let's find out what it takes to become a forensic scientist,
to solve problems in crimes.
And if he sees that there's classes at school that are gonna be necessary to it,
he will get engaged. And it's exactly what she did.
And at first she goes, you gotta be kidding, he wants to do that?
I didn't know any idea. You've been calling him lazy,
but he's doing what he really wants to do. He saw that, the second he did,
he was like, yes, finally, somebody understands me.
He knew what he wanted to do. And he started to see,
and he went online and they started looking at what are the classes and the
curriculums and the pathway to get that.
And he came alive and now he wants to take those classes cuz it's something
engaging to him. See,
there's a natural yearning to want express our authenticity.
And everybody has a set of values and priorities in their life,
regardless of age.
And whenever they're able to express that their genius is born,
their energy comes out, their creativity comes out,
heir feeling of I'm on top of the world I can do things,
their confidence comes out. Finding out what that is, is crucial.
And giving them a permission to go and be that. You know,
I wanted to go surfing when I was a teenager,
I was blessed to be able to go surfing.
And I traveled the world and went surfing. You know,
my parents didn't put a constraint or said, well,
you have to do this and gotta do this, they weren't into that.
I'm very grateful for that. I found out my mission at a very young age,
and then I ended up changing it into education. But in the process of doing it,
I found out that I really love learning.
So give yourself permission to love your child enough,
to find out what they value and respect them enough to communicate,
whatever you think will help them,
in terms of their values and follow their lead. Albert Einstein,
some of the Nobel prize winners, some of the greatest philosophers,
I can show you a list of those individuals that have said,
don't squash the child's creativity by forcing them to be somebody they're not.
Allow them to express their natural genius and let them find it out.
Because if you do, they'll blow your mind in what they'll accomplish.
So every child has a desire to go do something extraordinary with their life.
I've asked people and I've been,
even in prisons I've asked people and in schools I've asked people;
how many of you wanna do something extraordinary and make a difference in the
world? Every hand goes up. So it's a natural born,
inborn state inside them. But it gets squashed.
As Ernest Becker said, his denial of death, most people subordinate to the herd,
cloud the clarity of their own mission in life by trying to fit in and being in
the thing, fear of being rejected by people and lose their identity,
have a lost soul instead of giving themselves permission to do something
amazing.
So take the time to find out what your child's values are by doing the Value
Determination process. Look at what they spontaneously fill their space with,
spend their time on, what energizes them, what they wanna spend their money on,
what is their discipline on, what are they organized in?
Find out what they love to think about, visualize, talk about the most,
what they want to converse about, what inspires them, what are their goals?
What is it they wanna learn spontaneously?
And then let's find out whatever you're going to expect,
how to communicate it in that.
Imagine them being a customer and you have to meet the customer's values and
needs in order to make a sale.
If you wanna sell your ideas to your children,
find out what they value most and communicate and respect 'em enough to
articulate it in their values. They have a genius sitting inside,
don't squash it, give them permission to live it.
This is Dr. Demartini for my weekly program.
I just wanted to throw that out there just in case you have a challenge with a
child that's totally transformable by respecting them as an individual,
they're unique little geniuses waiting to surface. I'll see you next week.