- [Tony] This video will contain multiple stories.
I will leave a link in the description if you would like
to read the comments on these stories.
Also, most of the videos on my channel
will have closed caption, so, if you prefer,
you can follow along that way.
Please feel free to leave a comment.
As always, thank you for listening and watching.
(electronic beeping)
She was having an affair for nearly two years.
Ended a four year relationship back in July
due to domestic violence, drug abuse, and manipulation,
but I always had a suspicion her and our close
mutual friend were having an affair.
This was confirmed by a few very hesitant sources,
but I'm not jealous, really not even enraged.
I feel empty and unable to trust anybody.
After nearly catching them once,
I was convinced I was crazy.
The last year of the relationship was so much work,
trying to improve myself, growing professionally,
financially, emotionally for someone who hurt me
time and time again, but this misplaced love
was just her selfishly holding onto me
even though she has something else in the works,
lying to me to my face for so long.
Not only that, but the friend who I love like a brother,
was he ever a friend or was I just part of the package?
I've lost my faith in humanity and this crap
seems too heavy for my friends.
I don't know how to work through this.
Every damn hour at work or at home is spent thinking about
how I was just a convenient place to stay or that
the two people I trusted made me a third wheel
in my own relationship.
How do I cope with this?
(electronic beeping)
You have spent time improving
and expanding yourself is good, maybe look into therapy.
I've had it recently and mate it helps a lot.
At first, it's weird, but it really helps.
I've just got out of a two year relationship,
and I often think of her.
I try to stay positive, look forward in life
and give myself stress rests like a good burger
or a workout at the gym.
Best of luck.
(electronic beeping)
Therapy is the most recommended advice and it is sound.
I'll pursue it when I have the financial means
as I just took a heavy pay cut.
Working out and cooking were getting me through
the first few months, but after finding this out, darn,
I ignored my garden and everything died.
I just want to sleep, went a week without working out,
eating frozen stuff.
Damn, I didn't even go to work yesterday
and slept for 16 hours.
The breakup made me happy, but dealing with this
is messing with me.
(electronic beeping)
Do you have old friends you can reconnect with?
Especially ones that fell by the wayside?
Reconnecting with them and finding your old self
will probably help a lot.
(electronic beeping)
Absolutely, I spent more time with my loved friends
within the first two months of ending the relationship
that I had the entire four years.
I learned that this is a narcissistic trait
that people just assume is needy.
She severed my connection to friends by creating conditions
that were uncomfortable for them or making it
absolutely impossible for me to even make plans
with them or just being evil instead of supportive
when I did see friends.
This is a tactic that allows a narcissist
to be one's only support and the leverage that comes
with this is scary because you're selfish
for coming to that conclusion and it just spirals.
(electronic beeping)
Honestly, mate, I can't say I relate or I can say even
been in the same boat because I haven't.
You need time to be upset and accept what's happened.
That's okay, and that's really normal,
but what you can't do is get stuck in that rut.
At some point, you need to squeeze your balls
and start looking after yourself.
Start a new routine, grow stuff in the garden,
get a fish tank, start working out again.
It's really hard and that's the truth.
Take your time to accept and then move on with life,
but I would 100% recommend therapy.
There is no shame telling someone how you feel
and it helps make you realize things you didn't before.
It helps you move on and look at positives and negatives
you didn't see before.
I wish you the best of luck, my guy.
I really do. Stay safe.
(electronic beeping)
I think you're coping with this remarkably well.
It would be so easy to go to extremes,
either suppressing all of your emotions
or completely allowing them to take you over,
but you're walking in the middle path,
which I strongly feel is the only way
to genuinely work through trauma.
You have to allow yourself to feel the crappy feelings
to be able to work through them.
Suppressing them just makes the agony last longer,
as well as having it crop up in unpredictable ways,
but at the same time, you can't allow yourself
to completely fall apart to the extent that you let go
of logic and critical thinking.
You're doing a good job, mate.
Thank you. I appreciate that.
It helps being able to reach out to a community
and contextualize this inner monologue running through
my mind all day, as well as what you have said.
It's reassuring.
(electronic beeping)
I think despite the pay cut,
you should make therapy a priority.
There should be therapists who do sliding scale.
Where there's a will, there's a way.
You deserve this.
(electronic beeping)
So there was a girl who reached out to me
and suggested Better Help.
It's online and affordable.
Are you familiar?
(electronic beeping)
I'm not, but I'm sure there are many great resources
out there, and a word of advice, finding a therapist
who you jive with is like dating.
If you're not feeling the person, you do not need
to continue with them.
Keep trying people until you find someone you like
and trust and P.S. I am unemployed and no health insurance
and I go to therapy every week and pay $40 per session.
Also, don't be afraid to ask around.
If you know people in therapy,
ask them to ask their therapist if they can refer you
or know where you can go for a low cost treatment.
(electronic beeping)
If you can't afford therapy,
try writing down your thoughts every day.
Just putting that stuff on paper can help a lot.
You can get these recurring thoughts out
and after some days and practice, you might be able
to again focus on something else.
If you can, use real pen and paper,
not a digital alternative.
This helped me a lot in the past,
so might be worth a try.
(electronic beeping)
- [Narrator] It's okay to take time to recover
from a shock like that.
My first serious partner didn't cheat exactly,
but she did only dump me after she'd basically
already made sure that she was going to start
a relationship with another woman who was a mutual friend.
I was young. She was my first love.
It messed me up.
You've had a much bigger betrayal as this was a real affair,
and this guy was a close friend.
This is a serious thing that you're going through right now.
It's a serious betrayal and a serious trauma.
I'm so sorry.
(electronic beeping)
- [Tony] You know, recently my high school sweetheart
and I have been talking as friends with no intent
for anything else, but it is nice to connect with
the only person to not cheat on me in the past 10 years.
I like to have a meta-awareness of myself and my actions.
So I question, what do I do to make people cheat?
It must be my fault,
but having her remind me I was in no way terrible
is something I'm very fortunate for.
The anguish that comes from being cheated on often is rough,
but I also never chose spectacular people to pursue really.
(electronic beeping)
Hey dude, many jobs offer an EAP benefit that will give you
free mental health counseling.
I'm not sure if you're in the U.S. or not,
but I'd imagine that most more advanced countries
with regards to health services
would have something similar.
Don't let this fester any longer than it has to.
(electronic beeping)
By cutting them out of your life completely.
Block, delete all that stuff.
Find new friends.
Wait until you feel better to date.
Stay away from shady people with red flags.
(electronic beeping)
I've done all of this as well as change my number,
and after an incident where she contacted me
for my birthday, she is aware I'll contact the police
if she kept up at it.
Sadly, there is only one taproom I enjoy
in the entire county, and after spotting me there
on my birthday, she can't get enough of the place.