A common and really important question. How to discipline your child with love?
Okay, Live On Purpose parents, quick review. What is your job?
Think about this. Yeah, you don't have to think about it very long, do you? Your job
as a parent is to love them no matter what
and even if. Disciplining with love, you know what? I don't even think that it's
truly discipline unless it's done with love. If it's something else, it's some kind
of Dominion or whatever. Love is an essential part of the equation. Now, can I
put this into context for you. Because all the research that we've done over
the years in psychology leads to the same conclusion. This is the most common
finding that you can find in the child development literature. That there are
2 things that are necessary for a child to be well-adjusted and stable in
their life. Those 2 things are love and discipline. There's different words that
are used in the different studies but basically that's what it comes down to.
Love and discipline or structure. Okay. So, discipline with love is essential to
your child being well-adjusted and stable in their life. Let's look at that
word discipline. Discipline has in its very roots. The idea of learning. Why
would our children need to learn something? Here's where we get into a
dilemma sometimes. We want to discipline our children because it makes our life
easier as a parent. Okay. Maybe that's not the best approach. What
is it that the child needs to learn in order for them to have the best life
possible? You see the shift? So, we're not disciplining children so that our world
is more organized or structured or more convenient or less chaotic. Now, that
will happen. That's secondary. The primary purpose of the discipline is to assist a
child to learn something that ultimately allows them to experience more joy in
life. I know that that's subtle but I think it's also important as parents to
review that from time to time and come back to what is the purpose for this
thing? It's about that child, it's not about us.
We've been talking philosophy and I know you get the philosophy. The philosophy is
important because that's what drives the practical application. Let's get
practical for a moment about discipline in love. And give you some strategies. Now
if you take the love out, these are just manipulations. So it really turns into
effective discipline when you do it in the context of love. Stay with me on that.
When you're giving your child a task to accomplish, give them 2 choices. Now,
there's always 3 or 4 choices and others that they could make up on their
own. But I'm talking about 2 specific
choices. So, let's say that you're loading up to go to the store and your
3-year-old is resisting. Okay. And then I'll use an example from an older
kid too. Your 3-year-old is resisting. "I don't want to go." Let's give them 2
choices. "Sweetie, you can come out to the car on your own 2 feet
or you can come on Mommy's 2 feet. Which one would you prefer?" Okay, now.
Notice there's something important about these 2 choices.
You're okay with both of them. Honestly, if you give your child 2 choices and
you're okay with one but not the other, which one are they going to pick? I know. It
kind of rolls that way, doesn't it? If you're okay with both of them then it
doesn't matter. And you just took yourself out of the equation. "What I
think is not important. I'm okay with either choice. You pick one of these."
You're okay with both of them. Now, they're going to try to choose door number
3, aren't they? "No, I don't want to do either of those."
Okay. So, here's the other important thing about these 2 choices. You control one
of them one of them. You can enforce, 100%. You don't need their buy-in, you don't
need their cooperation. You control it 100%. This is so crucial because if they
choose door number 3, a lot of parents are just like, "Aah" and then
they get frustrated. It's like, "Well, my kid won't choose one of these things
that I gave them." That's because you can't control one of them. You get in
control of one of the choices and then chances are they're going to pick the other
one because kids really love to have control over their own life. But whether
they do or they don't, you're okay with either choice and you can enforce one.
That one becomes the default. Okay, you got this? Okay. Let's take a teenager
because teenagers and 3-year-olds are very different and there's a lot of
other ages in between. But this will give you an idea. Let's say that your teenage
son wants to go to a party. I had this with one of my son's when he was I think
16 years old it came to me and said, "Dad, can I go to this party?" Your first
response is going to be, "Tell me more about the party." Okay? Because they've
kind of kept you in the dark, they haven't given you all of the crucial
details. Let's say you find out enough about the party that you don't really
want them to go. Let's give them 2 choices. okay?
"Son, I don't approve of the party. So you've got 2 choices. You can stay home
tonight. Hang out with us, get your homework done,
do some family stuff, whatever. Or you can go to the party without my permission."
Well, that's going to confuse them, isn't it? "What do you mean? Go to... What do you mean?"
"Well, I'm not giving you my permission to go to the party, is that clear? You do not
have my permission. I'm not saying you can't go because you've snuck out before
and you've gotten without my permission. And that's one of your choices. So you
can stay home tonight or you can go to the party without my
permission." Now, I like to throw this part in especially with teenagers. "Any
questions?" And I like to say that with a little to my voice, I raised my
eyebrows just a touch. Because it means you better be asking some questions
about this if you have some. A lot of kids don't have much curiosity so that I
don't ask him any questions. Kids who have worked with me for awhile,
they'll say, "Well, what happens if I go without your permission?" "That's a pretty
good question. And we can talk about what the consequences would be if you were to
go without my permission. but that is absolutely an option and I'm okay with
that one. I don't want you to go into the party. So, if you go, you're going without
my permission." Now, do you see how we've set up these 2 choices? I'm okay with
either one. I have a preference that he stays so. I'm going to acknowledge that. But
I'm okay with this one. Why? Because I know that he's going to learn something
from the consequences he'll receive if he goes without my permission. I'm not
going to lose my cool. I'm simply going to enforce. Do you see how that works? So,
there's an example with a 3-year-old another one with a teenager. Give
them 2 choices. You're okay with either choice and you control one of them. Give
that a try. I hope you're finding these videos
helpful. Thank you so much for being here. I love our Live On Purpose parenting
community. If you haven't checked it out yet, come and look at the Parenting Power-Up.
You can find that at parentingpowerup.com.
Hope to see you there too.